Thread: Sex every 5-6 weeks? Just not enough!

This may sound like I am defending your wife, and maybe I am. There are an awful lot of "I"s and "my"s in your post. Sounds like you are just not a positive influence for each other. Perhaps you should leave and free her to become a happy individual once again.

Originally Posted by wingnut

I?m at my breaking point. My wife and I have been married for 5 years and together for 7. We do not have children. And as the topic points out, sex has become nonexistent, but is only the final straw in a long list of problems.

My wife has changed. Significantly changed. When we were first dating we had great communications and a correspondingly we had a good sex life as well.


The communication has declined. I try to stay very upbeat and always see the glass as half full. She is always very negative, about everything. To be honest I enjoy working so much because I am around people who are not so bleak about everything. Everything is a disaster to her. We have had her to several different doctors and tried many different meds, but nothing. She won?t try to think more positively. She wants a magic pill or a ?happy? pill as she calls it. She is just a genuinely negative person, and I have about had enough of it.

Initially I thought she was just depressed about living so far from home. I gave up my career, a good income, my family, my friends and my hobbies to move 2000 miles to be within an hour?s drive of her family. Still she is not happy. I ask nothing of her, and I mean nothing. In the evenings I dash home to cook a fast meal before I head off to class. I do the majority of the laundry and about all of the house work. She has collected 4 cats along the way that I now have to scoop and clean after. I have bought a second home that is larger to accommodate her cat collection and my dog and give us a bit more room to breath. I have rented out our old home, yet she still is not happy.

We have 17k in credit card debt. She charged 22k on her cards last year alone. I pay those bills because her income is simply not enough. Health insurance comes out of my check as well. Meanwhile, she is contributing to 4 different retirement accounts for herslef. I finally opened a 401 just a few months ago. I get the feeling sometimes that I?m here just to pay the bills and make the meals.

I built a gym in the house so she could work out with me. She has been told that regular exercise will help he moods. She has yet to step foot in it. Alternatively, she has gained almost 70 pounds which only fuels one more negative thing for her to obsess about. If I am not able to make it home to make a hot dinner; BBQ chicken or Salmon, veggies and baked potato, she eats a few bowels of cereal and a couple pieces of bread. The last meal that she cooked was Christmas dinner, and then she only made a dish to take to her parent?s house.

Hobbies are an important thing for a couple to share so I have explored that route as well. Knowing she likes to fly I have tried to take her flying with me every chance I could get. We would fly to her parent?s house rather than drive fairly frequently. I also flew her to a couple of air shows. Turns out she didn?t care for it much and only saw it as a waste of money. I offered for her to get her pilots license, but she says no thanks. She likes motorcycles. I bought her some gear and she attended a rider?s class. Now she could care less. She wants to ride o the back of my bike but I do not have the heart to tell her that she is too big for it to be safe so I have to make excuses. The bike is a sport bike and she is just to big at this point. I cannot bring myself to tell her she is obese.

Now I am a decent looking guy. 5?6?, 180lbs at about 15percent body fat, blue eyes and thinning hair, so nothing special. I exercise regularly, work two jobs, attend school in the evenings and volunteer as a medic/firefighter in our community. I also work in healthcare and am attending school in hopes of applying to medical school in a few more years.

In my job I work with clinically depressed people frequently. We also see people who have a baseline personality that is just, well, negative. They are not depressed. To the contrary they are only happy when they are miserable. I?m afraid that I have married into that personality.

The final straw has been the lack of sex. My libido is normal and I would be happy with once or twice a week. At the moment we are once every 5-6 weeks, and then it?s nothing spectacular. I get the ?lets get this over with? attitude. I will initiate foreplay and she will pull her pajamas down to her knees and roll on her side and hike a leg like a dog. How romantic.

Enough already. I am her second marriage and I hear that the first one was plagued by the same problems. Being committed to the relationship has never been a problem for me, but it requires both parties to try. She is not trying. I would like to have children, and so would she. But I do not want my child to grow up around this.

At what point do you just throw in the towel. I get hit on allot at work by very attractive, educated and fun women and I have to say, it?s getting harder to walk a straight line.

sounds very difficult. i'm not sure that working 2 jobs and teaching a class at night could leave much time for the two of you; so have you thought to drop one of the jobs and spend more time with her?

I believe your wife is severly depressed. As I read your post, I thought back to about 8 months ago....you could be describing me (up to a certain point) I was overweight, working in a job I disliked and felt I wasn't making any real contribution to the family, was overly critical, judgemental, felt as if everything my husband did was wrong, had no energy, no sex drive and wat totally miserable with my life. Waht changed? One day I found myself thinking that things would be easier for everyone if I wasn't around...permanantly. Since I couldn't do anything right, and I was making everyone around me miserable what was the point?? BUT, I do have children and the only thing keeping me from doing something tragic was the thought that my children would grow up thinking that they weren't good enough to live for. I couldn't do that to them. So I took my husband aside that night and I told him we needed to talk. And I told him everything I was feeling...worthless, fat, ugly, a horrible wife, a shrew, just a miserable excuse for a human being. And you know what he said. I love you, the kids love you, you are not worthless, you do have value, and you need help. Immediately. So I went the next day and sought help for depression.

Fast forward a little less than a year. I am now a student, stay at home mom, and not depressed. I am still a little overly critical, I'm still a neat freak, and unfortunately I am still overweight. But I'm on a diet and although I'm not happy with my body, I feel a little better about it. Our sex life to be honest is horrible. Once every 2 months or so...but it is getting better, too. Even if we don't have sex we are more affectionate. We communicate our feelings. Life is good. Not great, but much better than it was.

My advice is to sit down and talk to your wife. Be blunt. Tell her you think she's depressed and you want to help her. Because her problems are making your life a living . You love her, but something's got to give. You can't continue being miserable forever if she's not at least willing to seek help or make some type of effort to save your marraige. To be perfectly honest, even depression medication is not a "happy" pill. It's a make you feel more normal pill. I really do feel for you. You are alot like my husband. Hardworking, willing to help out around the house, and concerned about your wife. I say give it one more chance. Tell her this is it...get help, try to change or I'm gone. And then stick to it for your sake. If she really loves you, she'll try. If not, you have your answer. Keep us posted.