insecurity...why it started & how to deal W/ it....ladies help plz!!!

**sandman24** · 06-02-2010 05:10 AM

secure. I discussed it W/ lanabear who viewed it like I did, as a stab to make me insecure, & also W/ stressed, who felt I shouldn't take things so personal. Although I wanted to listen to lanabear, I found some validity to stress's argument. (thanks for not just telling me what I wanted to hear). Any thoughts on her motive for telling me that? If u feel she was trying to hurt my pride, does that mean she doesn't love me?

2. item 1 lead to me searching everything she said/did for her hidden message; I wondered if the reason she likes using a toy during sex was b'c she was used to more. I started being suspicious of her guy friends, and other insecure that is totally not me. It has also led me to feel jealous, which I have always made fun of in the past. How can I stop this if I love her.

3. I know we need to discuss things but feel if I don't initiate it, or she doesn't wanna, it doesn't get done. Do I continue to always be the bigger person, or b passive agressive like her?
4. How do I respond to passive agressiveness??? Ignoring me, being spiteful, & then saying nothing is wrong or "I'm not doing anything", etc. Just to name a few...I hate to fight but if its gotta happen I've learned to b straight forward. I don't wanna play games but feel if I don't, she'll never stop.

I could go on and on, but I don't wanna ear rape yall w\ a million subjects...any advice is greatly appreciated...don't sugar coat...I like conts. Criticism.

Thanks in advance,

Sandman

**LanaBear** · 06-02-2010 10:11 AM

Here is the thread so that others can see what Sandman is talking about.

http://www.womens-health.com/boards/...irlfriend.html

Does she make you happy? Or do you spend your time thinking about her and the things she says, her motives for saying them? Do you feel as if you are walking on egg shells around her, not sure what to say or do because you don't want to cause an argument?

**sandman24** · 06-03-2010 08:40 AM

[QUOTE=sandman24;193436]
Lanabear,

I'm sorry for leaving some of it out. thanks for helping me out til I learn how to do it!!! Here is the 1st part that I didn't post...

hello ladies,

I couldn't sleep so I thought I'd blow off some steam to my new found friends...i'm having an issue W/ my gf of almost 2 yrs. & I need a ladies opinion on a few things. I hope u don't mind list style questions.

1. As I mentioned in another post, my gf has subtly said things to me such as "ur the shortest guy I've been w:", I wish I could wear my heals but would hate to be taller than u, & even managed to mention her ex's 10 inch member!!! I have always been cocky & have never had self confidence issues, but I'd be lying if I said that didn't make me insecure. secure. I discussed it W/ lanabear who viewed it like I did, as a stab to make me insecure, & also W/ stressed, who felt I shouldn't take things so personal. Although I wanted to listen to lanabear, I found some validity to stress's argument. (thanks for not just telling me what I wanted to hear). Any thoughts on her motive for telling me that? If u feel she was trying to hurt my pride, does that mean she doesn't love me?

2. item 1 lead to me searching everything she said/did for her hidden message; I wondered if the reason she likes using a toy during sex was b'c she was used to more. I started being suspicious of her guy friends, and other insecure that is totally not me. It has also led me to feel jealous, which I have always made fun of in the past. How can I stop this if I love her.

3. I know we need to discuss things but feel if I don't initiate it, or she doesn't wanna, it doesn't get done. Do I continue to always be the bigger person, or b passive agressive like her?
4. How do I respond to passive agressiveness??? Ignoring me, being spiteful, & then saying nothing is wrong or "I'm not doing anything", etc. Just to name a few...I hate to fight but if its gotta happen I've learned to b straight forward. I don't wanna play games but feel if I don't, she'll never stop.

I could go on and on, but I don't wanna ear rape yall w\ a million subjects...any advice is greatl

**sandman24** · 06-07-2010 10:38 AM

Originally Posted by LanaBear

Here is the thread so that others can see what Sandman is talking about.

http://www.womens-health.com/boards/...irlfriend.html

Does she make you happy? Or do you spend your time thinking about her and the things she says, her motives for saying them? Do you feel as if you are walking on egg shells around her, not sure what to say or do because you don't want to cause an argument?

Lanabear,

She's like a little girl w/ a curl; when she's good, she's great, but when she's bad she makes me miserable. I wasn't always suspicious of everything she said or did b'c, a) in the beginning, we were friends W/ benefits & were all about having fun w/o getting too serious. I was drawn to her b'c we had the same vices, same easy going irresponsible lifestyle, & b'c I didn't have to change or hide myself to make her happy. After awhile of hanging out everyday w: just each other we both agreed that even w/o bf/gf title's we would b exclusive. even though I new from the start that she was an unhappy person b'c she hadn't dealt W/ losing her dad, & had been using alcohol/drugs as a form of escapism, I liked that she was real, & started to have feelings for her. As far as walking on eggshells, I generally say what's on my mind, but have found that that sometimes its as if she's looking for a way to take what I say wrong.

I have found that u can't change someone unless they wanna change themselves. I'm a happy person & want her to b happy, but have tried everything to make her happy but nothing has lasting success. I've concluded that happiness comes from within, & by me trying to b the source of her happiness I am being drained of my own. I don't wanna feel insecure & don't want her to. I've always felt that if I had to b jealous I didn't want her, but she's very jealous. How can she expect trust if she gives none? is this not gonna change?

Thanks in advance,

Sandman

**samanthatallon** · 06-07-2010 10:58 AM

Ok well first , hi its nice to see a fella braveing the hordes of feamle hormones!

the fact that she is constantly putting you down, is not very nice, and is neither acceptable, when us women hurt we can be irrational and lash out at those closest to her, is there any reason that she is being like this in particular? the drugs and alcahol is not a great way to balance, A lasting healthy relationship, for sure. You need to have it out with her, and say what needs to be said to resolve this, but possibly picking the right words, and being as polite as possible. I am not going to say leave her or stay thats entirely down to you, you obv, care about this girl or you wouldnt be looking to here. So thats the first step in the right direction, maybe a nice night out to dinner, or a relaxing bath together to downsize the mood, and make things more relaxed and open, minus the booze as it never helped me when i was in a relationship a teeny bit similar to yours. Although the tables were turned, it was friends with benefits he would tell me he loved me, and then not call for three months, or he wuold come to my hoome for a few days, and play with my kids spurt jargon about what i had was what he wanted, or the mood swings where he was grumpy went off with other women,but called me from a mental facility to say that he had tried to kill himself, i really had my work cut out, i i loved him so much i was always there for him, which in the long run, did not help him.We were the kind of friends when in low places at the same time, we would go out, get trashed go home and tlak about setting up a life together. The sex wasnt anything to wrote home about, but it was nice, and loving. But come soberity, he was gone, i eventually cut him out of my life, and funny i still have a soft spot for him when i bump into him, but not love, or anything else. I moved on to find someone who truedly loved me for me, in all his porn crazed madness, i know he loves me and respects me. And this is what you need from your long term partner. I am banging on a bit, hope it helps.

**lushley666** · 06-08-2010 07:22 AM

Hi there - I have been on the receiving end of this sort of behaviour. My ex picked and picked away at my confidence until I literally didnt wanna go out because I felt so vile, ugly and worthless and my ex was doing me a favour staying with me!! He would constantly go on about me being blonde and say I should be brunette because he liked brunettes. He even offered to pay for a tummy tuck and I hadnt even mentioned wanting a tummy tuck!! Of course I then became conscience of my tum! It was only as we ended our relationship he admitted he just wanted my to feel bad about myself so I wouldnt go off with anyone.....so I left him and now I am with someone who tells me all the time how lovely I am and how fantastic I look and wish I had left my ex years ago... hope this helps, I'm waffeling! :-)

**samanthatallon** · 06-10-2010 05:26 PM

dont worry about waffling! i do it allll the time!!

I am a size fourteen and let me tell ya! having junk in the trunk works for me! lol, its nice that you went away, its horrid to be spoken to like that, i didnt have it a lot, but occasionally from a rather unsavoury squeeze i think who lasted a month, as i am a bit mean, lol i just walked from most of them.
Never let someone tell you, you do not look good. Unless you know yourself you dont make the effort, but still to be told in a nice way is the way to start! So what if you were blonde! he chose to date you, what was he colour blind? if you ever need to bash him i have a huge granny handbag!

not that i condone violence of course!

The fact you moved on tells a lot in itself, keep that confidence and remember to feel good for who you are and what you feel works for you. xx

**stressed** · 06-11-2010 04:27 AM

It seems like what attracted you to her initially was her attitude, her behaviour, her 'toughness', the 'bad girl' who is not very keen on the gf/bf titles. She did drugs, drank, needed an escape, and you admired her strength to fight, even if she used the wrong means to do so. You both had an irresponsible, easy going attitude in the beginning. Maybe your problems started when what you had became a real relationship and one or both of you were still too irresponsible to handle this change, from friends to partners. Maybe you were attracted to each other over different reasons and now find that you have a hard time communicating as a couple. Maybe you are not what the other saw in the beginning during the friendship stage. Good friends don't always make good lovers.

There's clearly a communication issue and you seem to have different views in basic subjects/approaches in life. She has given you reasons to be jealous of her, she is also very jealous of you. Maybe the way your relationship started, as friends, makes her feel as if you'd have sex with any of your friends, just because you turned your own friendship into something more? In any case, she cannot have double standards. If she wants to hang out with male friends you should be able to hang out with female friends.

1. I talked about this in the other post. I don't find this, by itself, a serious issue. It may be something to think about when you first hear it, but if the relationship is serious and you communicate like a serious, adult, couple then it should not be a concern by itself. First, because it does not matter. Secondly, because you should know by now, after 2 years, whether she wants to hurt you or not with what she says. If you have doubts, or if you feel that, even in the slightest, she says this to hurt you, whether it's intentional or not, then you're clearly not happy in this relationship and you feel that this behaviour reaches the point of mental abuse. Also, she should know by now what hurts you and what not. Clearly, she either does not realize that talking like this hurts your feelings, or she does it intentionally. However, I still believe that a lot matters in the way things are said. If she has mentioned that her ex was 10 inches more than once, then she doesn't seem to be particularly aware of what she says. As admitting about an ex's size is one thing, but rubbing it into the other's face is another.

2. You started looking for a hidden message, but what if there is none? Have you directly asked her about this? It is always better to have this in the open than assume the worse. You seem to be going through the same hurt as women whose SO's watch porn do, and I don't blame you for it. You feel inadequate because she uses a vibrator which she is used to. It's like porn, it's a habit that lowers sexual pleasure. If she can't understand that she has to quit it then it will never improve.
I can't orgasm by sex, or oral, or anything done by my SO or a vibrator, I can only achieve that myself. My ex'es were larger than my current SO as well. If my SO would see it like you then he'd be depressed. Why he doesn't see it like that is because I've had many talks with him about this, I don't blame him for it and I always compliment him.

3&4. These are the points I find the worse. When you don't communicate as a couple, when you feel she is playing games, when you are slowly turning into a person you don't want to be, then you are clearly unhappy. You cannot change her personalty. You can change her vibrator habits, she can even become less jealous with a little work, but you cannot change the way you talk with each 2 years in the relationship. I don't know how old you both are, but you seem to be in different stages. If you can't talk to each other about what bothers you then the problems will only multiply instead of be solved.

**sandman24** · 06-14-2010 06:38 AM

Originally Posted by stressed

It seems like what attracted you to her initially was her attitude, her behaviour, her 'toughness', the 'bad girl' who is not very keen on the gf/bf titles. She did drugs, drank, needed an escape, and you admired her strength to fight, even if she used the wrong means to do so. You both had an irresponsible, easy going attitude in the beginning. Maybe your problems started when what you had became a real relationship and one or both of you were still too irresponsible to handle this change, from friends to partners. Maybe you were attracted to each other over different reasons and now find that you have a hard time communicating as a couple. Maybe you are not what the other saw in the beginning during the friendship stage. Good friends don't always make good lovers.

There's clearly a communication issue and you seem to have different views in basic subjects/approaches in life. She has given you reasons to be jealous of her, she is also very jealous of you. Maybe the way your relationship started, as friends, makes her feel as if you'd have sex with any of your friends, just because you turned your own friendship into something more? In any case, she cannot have double standards. If she wants to hang out with male friends you should be able to hang out with female friends.

1. I talked about this in the other post. I don't find this, by itself, a serious issue. It may be something to think about when you first hear it, but if the relationship is serious and you communicate like a serious, adult, couple then it should not be a concern by itself. First, because it does not matter. Secondly, because you should know by now, after 2 years, whether she wants to hurt you or not with what she says. If you have doubts, or if you feel that, even in the slightest, she says this to hurt you, whether it's intentional or not, then you're clearly not happy in this relationship and you feel that this behaviour reaches the point of mental abuse. Also, she should know by now what hurts you and what not. Clearly, she either does not realize that talking like this hurts your feelings, or she does it intentionally. However, I still believe that a lot matters in the way things are said. If she has mentioned that her ex was 10 inches more than once, then she doesn't seem to be particularly aware of what she says. As admitting about an ex's size is one thing, but rubbing it into the other's face is another.

2. You started looking for a hidden message, but what if there is none? Have you directly asked her about this? It is always better to have this in the open than assume the worse. You seem to be going through the same hurt as women whose SO's watch porn do, and I don't blame you for it. You feel inadequate because she uses a vibrator which she is used to. It's like porn, it's a habit that lowers sexual pleasure. If she can't understand that she has to quit it then it will never improve.
I can't orgasm by sex, or oral, or anything done by my SO or a vibrator, I can only achieve that myself. My ex'es were larger than my current SO as well. If my SO would see it like you then he'd be depressed. Why he doesn't see it like that is because I've had many talks with him about this, I don't blame him for it and I always compliment him.

3&4. These are the points I find the worse. When you don't communicate as a couple, when you feel she is playing games, when you are slowly turning into a person you don't want to be, then you are clearly unhappy. You cannot change her personalty. You can change her vibrator habits, she can even become less jealous with a little work, but you cannot change the way you talk with each 2 years in the relationship. I don't know how old you both are, but you seem to be in different stages. If you can't talk to each other about what bothers you then the problems will only multiply instead of be solved.

Stressed,

As always, thanks for ur honest opinion!!! U said items 3 & 4 concern u most & I agree. If a couple can't discuss issues they can't make it. I've got a couple of questions:

1) about playing games; I've found that most women do this to test us guys to make sure we will behave like a man in any situation. Do u think there is any validity to this?

2) I have a very active communication style but she is much more passive. I require short exchanges where both parties have a Q & A sessions to make sure I'm understanding u correctly & ask questions about info u may have left out. When I stop her, she feels like I'm interrupting her & says I never let her talk. when I'm talking & she continues doing other things it makes me think she is not listening & is not interested in what I'm saying b'c I can't multitask like she does. any thoughts on what I can do to fix this???
3)i've seen a lot of change for the good in her since we've been together; I know I can't change her, but do u think by showing her how real love is supposed to be, w/ no need for jealousy & insecurity, she will continue to change on her own?

I've suffered through a yr. of waiting for her to get back on her feet (she lost her job so we've had to make it on mine) & I think we've made it through the worst of it.…i don't wanna quit but don't want to keep throwing good love bad. Do u think there's still hope? She's going to have to travel W/ her new job & it has me a little worried.

Thanks again!

Sandman