he won't have sex with me...

**juicyfruit** · 06-03-2010 12:08 AM

I have been with my husband 6 years now...First we would have great sex, try different things, he would be tired yet find energy to have sex. Last two years things changed...I feel like I can always have sex but not him. I'm 29 and he is 32, we are living with his mother in a small house but she makes sure we have privacy and leaves the house for hours to do her own things. Lately he has been working night and I understand he is tired however we had 3 day weekend with plenty of opportunities to do something yet nothing happened. I have told him what bothers me and seems he listed. Every time I bring sex subject on I feel guilty after-wards and I'm scared to make first move and be pushed away by him. I learned how to deal with the fact he never wants to go down on me, in 6 years he did it twice, never told me the reason...I enjoyed it and made sure he knows that. What bothers me is that he won't do nothing with me yet I know he masturbates, I have walked on him couple times already (when he is in the shower plus I found evidence of that while doing laundry). What should I do, I'm sexually frustrated with million reasons, excuses and questions in my head?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-03-2010 02:38 AM

yet I know he masturbates,

There is nothing wrong in my opinion with masterbation however, all sorts of things can occur when you become dependend on it, such as, it's quicker, easier, does the same trick, no performance required, quicker. It can cause a man also to "have to work at cumming" and I believe in some cases masterbation at the end is the only result (mind set).

So it's laziness as well as perhaps he has a problem now that he has chosen this maybe due to living in his Mother's home, morals regardless that she is out, coupled with it's "sex" your asking for "sex" not, that you want to be intimate and bond with him because you love him.

Perhaps there are a few reasons here.

It's strange but I am sure that men are no different than women, that being that they want intimacy, to know they are good looking, look good, kissed, hugged for no reason... and that sex, is a bond, intimacy, togetherness not sex.

So I would try two things.

I would let him masterbate after being intimate with you, perhaps even say it's something you would like to see, share with him... Then you may establish that he doesn't see it as "work" as he may be extremely tired, rather, you are happy to compromise, feel the love and then let him do his think so it's over with, until he's not feeling so tired, or if he is in-deed having issues due to masterbation.

I would tell him you love him and not ask for sex, let it go for a couple of weeks and just show affection attention without wanting anything, therefore, sub-consciously, putting into his mind the love you have for him, which may lead to him wanting to re-connect with you, not seeing it as sex.

Failing either of those, there may not be enough communication... You don't know the reason why he doesn't like oral, it may be taste, it may be that he finds it yuck, what ever the reason is, you should know, your married, together, so start communicating with each other and talk.

Lastly, you don't say if you work... Your living in a parental home, yet married, he's working, it's time to work out how you can save together and be married properly, in your own home.

CW

**juicyfruit** · 06-03-2010 07:30 AM

Thank you so much for your reply...Yes, we are working on things to help us settle down on our own again, we both need our privacy back as also his mother wants her home back. I realized that it might be an issue for him, living with his mother and simply because he has respect for her and her place. I've been working hard on not asking him for sex and I want him to make first move, to show me the affection and passion from him. I tried so many times talking, I make sure I compliment him, give him sexy look, smile in flirty way but still find it strange he acts the way he does... I will try to take it easy and not talk about my needs or sex to him...as much as it makes me mad I will find ways to change my focus and not to think of sex myself....

Once again thank you for your reply.

**rcoreyus** · 06-03-2010 12:06 PM

You might want to look at some other threads here. This is a surprisingly common problem - the idea that men want sex more than women do doesn't seem to be true. I'm very sorry to hear that you are in this situation, its miserable (as I know from first hand experience) and it is almost certainly not in any way your fault.

**sassi_classi** · 06-05-2010 07:54 PM

I think that the reason he is masterbating instead of having sex with you may be because there is something he wants that your lacking.i know you said the two of you use to do it alot and alot of different things.but im thinking he is fantasizing about something that you havent done and is probably ashamed to tell you.so try asking him what he wanta sexually or try randomly coming up with things you have completely never done and may not have even thought about til that moment. and i know your scared of being pushed away but if you want it you have to try. suprise him one day with this new thing and dont take no for an answer you be in total control.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-06-2010 01:21 AM

I realized that it might be an issue for him, living with his mother and simply because he has respect for her and her place.

When someone says, they "realised it might", that to me says, you are second guessing because you are aware and do know that he respects his Mother.

So the only thing that bothers me here and may help you with your question as well more so, is that HE has to communicate with you.

If your together, in a committed relationship, the word might doesn't come into it, as you both can talk about these things and know that's the reason

It sounds to me that he doesn't open up to you and talk to you in any fashion, rather, you "ask" and get no replies.

You'd know that, if you take sex out of this and ask yourself other questions that you don't have answers to...

But, I can understand a person feeling strange in a parents house "doing it" even if Mum goes out, it's like she's out and thinks that is what we'll do and so I just can't do it, knowing mum thinks that.

You need to talk to him and get him to open up and talk to you.

Your important as well.

I wasn't suggesting that you back off totally and not ask or instigate sex, it may be that you two can talk and have adventures so to speak " outside the house" that will solve this for now.. It may be that you need date nights, to re-ignite things as well.

Being sexy, smiling sexy still says "sex"

CW

**rcoreyus** · 06-06-2010 03:55 PM

Reverse the genders and see how it sounds . Unfortunately some men just don't want sex.

Originally Posted by sassi_classi

suprise him one day with this new thing and dont take no for an answer you be in total control.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-06-2010 05:48 PM

Being sexy, smiling sexy still says "sex"

Unfortunately some men just don't want sex

.

And, that quote is from a man

As, I said before, "everyone" male or female NEED to feel loved, not just that they are a sex machine

CW

**juicyfruit** · 06-08-2010 01:03 AM

I have new addition to my post...Two years ago I have found out he had online fling with some girl. It happened when I was in another state for four months and he was home all alone, no excuse there but I confronted him and we worked things out. He said it never meant anything it was to kill time. He promised he will end it all and on front of me he canceled his email account. It have hurt me, broke my heart but I moved on and tried not to think about that. I just found out they are exchanging emails, well last one from her was in Dec. It wasn't everyday thing more like every couple months and nothing serious just how are you, thinking of you. I'm not trying to get that into me, he is still married to me. What worries me is why? is it because it is married man's fantasy, to have what they can't, to feel young and single inside. Another thing that I would love to understand is why do married men turn to sex sites?

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