Thread: Bf looking at porn, it's sure different when you're not the reader and it happens 2 u

So I have been on these forums for a little while, and have read countless posts about women's SO's watching/looking at porn. I have read the debates. My take has always been I don't really care much unless I'm having to go wothout for the most part. I always had a feeling my bf has watched a lot of porn because of the way he has sex. I could just tell. I have asked him about it before, and he said I watch it to check out new positions, but don't just sit around to get off to it. Well, we just moved in together this past week. And, yes, this morning I snooped. I really knew I shouldn't but I couldn't help myself. And on his laptop, shows he has been looking at porn for the last 3 nights while I'm in the bathtub in the same room. And right now, I am just wondering why? Is he not turned on by me and have to watch porn to get turned on before bed? Why now, that we just moved into together? Is there something he wants that I'm not doing? Or doing good enough? Has he not been honest with me? I want to ask, but don't want to have to fess to snooping, and if I ask about porn watching in general he will tell me the same bs he has been telling me. The other thing that bothered me was the personal ads he was looking at on C-list. All about threesomes. I don't want to jumop to any conclusions about that yet, unless he keeps looking. Could've been curiosity. All I know right now is, I think I will be a little more sympathetic to women when it comes to them being upset about their SO's watching porn. It really doesn't feel very good.

I'm sorry for that little tinge of pain in your gut rhiannon. Guys can say its natural all they want for them to want to look at porn whenever , before sex, after sex, during sex , whenever... its just normal la la la. But I think a woman feeling a little insecure when they know their S.O does this... is just as natural.

Its not as if you are setting out to feel a little stung by it. You feel stung by it. Organically so. Whether you should or shouldn't your heart says.. ouch. That is real. Not saying your ouch is any more important than his desires to watch but I think its no easier for someone genuinly hurt over it to feel better about it than it is for somone that wants to watch it to stop watching it.

Only one person feels discomfort, insecurity, feelings of distance, questions of their adequecy to arouse and or satisfy fill their heads.... while the other person feels entitled, indulged, greedy, ungreatful, selfish, me me me, what excites me in this second matters way more than any doubt it causes you.

I've been fighting with my feelings about my boyfriends desire for porn throughout our entire relationship. Its been the source of all of our fights. We've tried open communication, we've tried secrecy and lies, we've argued til we are blue in the face, we've cried, we've tried doing it together, we've made promises, we've broken them. But all in all there is one constant. Porn is still there. Whether he's leaving it up for me to see, whether he's hiding it and lying about it. Its there. Always. Its in the drawer, its on the computer, its on the phone... but its "not important".

Guys can't wrap their head around why it would hurt our feelings, its not cheating, and they don't 'love' it or have 'emotions for it' why on earth do we care? They have nothing to compare it to because most women's needs are met differently than through voyerism. As a woman that takes pride in her appearance and pride in her ability to satisfy her man, its insulting when a few pixels on a mag or lcd monitor can provide the same feelings.

Its like having a husband thats a handyman and him coming home to find bob the neighbor fixing his sink... he'd be like excuse me? uh... I'm fully capable of handeling that thank you. Oh... I just thought I'd get bob to do it, no reason. Um, its not that he's better at it than you or anything... he just... has a different tool box.

''Its like having a husband thats a handyman and him coming home to find bob the neighbor fixing his sink... he'd be like excuse me? uh... I'm fully capable of handeling that thank you. Oh... I just thought I'd get bob to do it, no reason. Um, its not that he's better at it than you or anything... he just... has a different tool box''


LOL i love that.

I think what hes doing is kinda natural, although a bit rude in front of you or in the same room. Its ok to feel hurt by it, as it makes us feel like we are missing something they get from that. I am quite honest, so ill just say it. They simply cannot help themselves. It makes em feel good, and it could be his way of arousal, which i am sure you probably perfectly capable of, but it makes them feel naughty and like they are doing something forbidden hence forth the love for it. Thats my opinion, my bf sneaks off to watch his every third or fourth night, it took a long time, but i accepted it, as long as i get what i want when i want it, he could sing over the rainbow all day. lol. I love my partner and trust him and i think you may have a few insecurites you may be beating yourself with. Dont be so harsh on yourself or him, simply talk it out, and lay your feelings on the table. xxbest of luck xxx

I understand that you could be insecure about it... but here's my two cents:

I look at porn. I'm a female. My boyfriend looks at porn. We both do it. Usually it's a private thing, but there are times when we'll openly swap which websites we like, show pictures of things that really excite us, etc. There are, of course, things he likes to keep private- but so do I. Porn is just porn. However, there were a few times looking through his websites that I began to get insecure. "These girls are much thinner then me, have better curves, better facial features, etc"... But that's just a jerk reaction. If you're confident in your relationship with your partner, then that's all it is.

However, if it is really bothering you... why don't you talk about it with him? I understand you don't want to tell him what you did, because you're ashamed of it. It was wrong, and you know it. So, what's the problem? You don't trust him, and he doesn't trust you in the end. Women don't snoop around for no reason. I think there is something you're not telling us about the relationship. If he looks at porn and masterbates TO THE EXCLUSION of everything else... then yes, that's unacceptable. But if it's just carefree looking... I don't know, I don't see a problem with it.

I only snooped around with my ex, because I had a strong gut feeling that I couldn't explain that things were just not right at all. I wanted validation for those feelings just as much as I was afraid of them. With my new boyfriend, I don't snoop at all... because he makes me feel loved through his words and actions. There is just a deep feeling that he cares for me, and I have no reason to doubt that. He's with me. I'm not alone in the relationship. Do you know what I mean? So, what made you feel like you had to snoop? Do you feel like something is amiss in the relationship, and you're trying to put those feelings into the issue of "He looks at porn, and it makes me unhappy"?

Just out of curiousity. I wish you the best!

Sidenote: My ex was also extremely against me looking at porn... or even masterbating on my own. He thought it was cheating. This was rooted in extreme insecurity, possessiveness, and his own guilty conscious about things. He eventually cheated on me. I'm not accusing you- just restating things. I don't think it is entirely selfish for a partner to feel somewhat entitled to look at porn if it's within reason... You don't own him as a person, and you can't control his choices. He's free to do what he likes. It's only if you trust that it'll stay in moderation that it isn't an issue. If you're morally against it or you can't control your insecurity- he has as much reason to know this and decide if he wants to leave to find someone who DOES accept him as... well, you have the choice to also leave and find someone who doesn't do these things!

HD, loved that. Loved all your comments honestly. I read once in a book, I think it was The Five Love Languages mabye? Can't remember, but it said that one of the main things women need in a relationship to be ok, is safety and security. And the way I see it, men oogling other naked women getting hot and bothered isn't a very secure feeling. And EVERYONE has insecurities, I don't care who you are.

About the snooping, I think I mainly did it out of my own distrustfulness. I am divorced only about a year(seperated 1-1/2 years) from a horrible, abusive man, who was also awful to my kids. I think I just want to make sure there isn't anything there I don't know or can't see, or that he's hiding. I know he shouldn't have to put up with me being that way, but he does, god love him. He doesn't give me any reason to be insecure at all. He's great to me, communication isn't fantastic, he isn't very open, but that's all. I fessed this morning, couldn't help it, and asked about all of it. He said he was bored and checking out new positions, I guess that could be true. Lord knows, I have looked at some very strange stuff online to entertain myself sometimes. Just goes to show why you shouldn't snoop!! Things look very different than they might be when you do.

Originally Posted by KDia03

I understand that you could be insecure about it... but here's my two cents:

I look at porn. I'm a female. My boyfriend looks at porn. We both do it. Usually it's a private thing, but there are times when we'll openly swap which websites we like, show pictures of things that really excite us, etc. There are, of course, things he likes to keep private- but so do I. Porn is just porn. However, there were a few times looking through his websites that I began to get insecure. "These girls are much thinner then me, have better curves, better facial features, etc"... But that's just a jerk reaction. If you're confident in your relationship with your partner, then that's all it is.

However, if it is really bothering you... why don't you talk about it with him? I understand you don't want to tell him what you did, because you're ashamed of it. It was wrong, and you know it. So, what's the problem? You don't trust him, and he doesn't trust you in the end. Women don't snoop around for no reason. I think there is something you're not telling us about the relationship. If he looks at porn and masterbates TO THE EXCLUSION of everything else... then yes, that's unacceptable. But if it's just carefree looking... I don't know, I don't see a problem with it.

I only snooped around with my ex, because I had a strong gut feeling that I couldn't explain that things were just not right at all. I wanted validation for those feelings just as much as I was afraid of them. With my new boyfriend, I don't snoop at all... because he makes me feel loved through his words and actions. There is just a deep feeling that he cares for me, and I have no reason to doubt that. He's with me. I'm not alone in the relationship. Do you know what I mean? So, what made you feel like you had to snoop? Do you feel like something is amiss in the relationship, and you're trying to put those feelings into the issue of "He looks at porn, and it makes me unhappy"?

Just out of curiousity. I wish you the best!

Sidenote: My ex was also extremely against me looking at porn... or even masterbating on my own. He thought it was cheating. This was rooted in extreme insecurity, possessiveness, and his own guilty conscious about things. He eventually cheated on me. I'm not accusing you- just restating things. I don't think it is entirely selfish for a partner to feel somewhat entitled to look at porn if it's within reason... You don't own him as a person, and you can't control his choices. He's free to do what he likes. It's only if you trust that it'll stay in moderation that it isn't an issue. If you're morally against it or you can't control your insecurity- he has as much reason to know this and decide if he wants to leave to find someone who DOES accept him as... well, you have the choice to also leave and find someone who doesn't do these things!

I do not want to control him in any way, I don't believe in that kind of relationship at all. He is free to go where he wants, I don't even check on him, do what he wants with his own body. He has actually acted more possesive with me a few times than I ever have. He is free do what he likes, as do I. As long as it doesn't cross any bounderies.
I am not exactly morally against it as much as I just don't think it portrays realistic, healthy sexual behaviors. So I would prefer for it not to be watched on a regular basis. Not sure what my reaction would be if it was a regular thing, kinda new to this subject.

I think samanthatallon has got this right. Besides, what if he looks at porn and it gives him a huge erection and then he comes into the bathroom and wants to insert it into you, Wouldn't that be perfect ?

LOL that was priceless.

Its a natural healthy thing for a man, unless its all the time of course. as long as its respectful and private unless you think otherwise of course. Men are strange creatures for sure, but i dont think he is out to make you feel bad, maybe he doesnt realise, you should talk to him about it for sure.

xxx