Never Getting Off With My Partner

**Allmessedup** · 06-10-2010 10:28 AM

Just as a warning, this thread will mention abuse. If you have been abused, you may wish to hit your back button now, but if you do read this I'd appreciate your personal viewpoint if you can handle it.

....

So here is my issue and I'm going to be very blunt because I'm a kind of blunt person, so please bear with me. When I was 7 I was sexually abused by a family friend every day for months. It happened and it screwed me up for a while. To a point where any physical contact as a young teenager made me feel sick to my stomach. So boyfriends that kissed me generally got a black eye for their trouble. I'm a tough girl now emotionally. I can handle a lot of things. And I have dealt with this in my past and moved on pretty well I think. It doesn't hurt anymore. I got over feeling sick and now its fine. I can kiss, make out, get so turned on that I physically shake hard enough that my teeth chatter which is kinda stupid and embarrassing, whatever.

But I never "got off" with my boyfriends. Its not that I can't have an orgasm. I can. Please forgive me for being a little descriptive, I know of no way to explain this without being so, I will try to be discrete. I am a virgin technically. Its not exactly something I'm thrilled about but, I'm waiting for someone to be worth it considering my life up until this point, but as time goes on I feel like I'm waiting for something that doesn't exist and why should I bother. So far all of my boyfriends have been lying, cheating jerks who just happened to be superficially charming at first and then later punch walls near me to intimidate me or worse and I leave.

That aside, the point is that I never get to vaginal sex with them because they do something stupid first like cheat on me and get caught. I tell you this so that you understand that when I masturbate there is no penetration. And I still can orgasm through it. This is what I mean when I say its easy enough to do to myself within a few moments with a toy without doing much of anything at all. I may not have vaginal sex with my boyfriends, but I do other things in the building up to that point. Like oral, anal, other kinky things. Now... I have only had like 2 real partners so far that made it that far. And they've each tried 1 time to get me off orally and neither time did I enjoy it at all so they didn't bother a second time. I didn't like it. It was boring!

My mind was contemplating "when was the last time I dusted that ceiling, what about those curtains, should I have turned the light out before we started this because now its in my eyes, how long should I let him continue trying before telling him its just not working or should I attempt to fake it", etc. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. And anal is nice but there was never any foreplay with either partner and well I dunno that you can really get off on that. Now, my boyfriends have known about my past and that I had not only that but one forceful anal experience by a, very quickly ex, boyfriend. So, when I bring up that I'm not enjoying it I get "well you need to get over your past and just let it go already".

My mind is thinking: I thought I did or I wouldn't be allowing you to touch me at all.

But maybe I didn't? Is this my fault that I don't orgasm with them? Am I broken because of what happened? Mentally blocked against having a partner? Or am I just dating losers? I don't know. I can't figure that part out and I feel like I'm never gonna get fixed, that this is somehow my fault even though I can masturbate just fine. I find though that the things I contemplate while doing so are things my boyfriends don't ever do. Even simple things. Like dirty talk. I'm very verbal and I love dirty talk. Its a huge turn on. Anyway... How can I be that turned on by revving the engine, that I tremble that hard, and then get a flat tire on my Sunday drive and limp home?

Do some women only get an orgasm with their partner through vaginal sex? Am I stupid for waiting to see if the guy actually loves me first? My best friend hadn't had sex until she was 21 because she said you should be in love when you do so that its worth it, even if you fall out of love later, no regrets. And I like that idea, I do. Its just that nobody loves me. Ever. And I don't wanna look around one day in the future and realize I'm 40, half of my life is gone, and I've never had sex because I'm so unlovable and all messed up. So... I'm single again because another bf cheated on me. And I'm thinking I should fix this problem of mine. But what could be wrong with me? Is it even me? Or is it my partners who most of the time skip foreplay, get off, and go watch tv? Is it that these types of sex I'm doing are not orgasm friendly?

Part of me thinks that maybe I should just get a temporary boyfriend and do vaginal just to get it done and out of the way with a guy I have no intention of being around again and find out if there's still an orgasm issue or just so I don't have to still be a virgin which has such a terrible stigma attached to it that's embarrassing. But then part of me thinks that is such a stupid idea and I'd really regret it. I'd really like to get some advice but I don't even know where to go or who I can talk to and my best friend isn't around anymore after dating an abusive guy. So I have nobody to talk to about this stuff anymore. I'd really be open to any kind of thoughts or opinions on the whole situation please. I'm really at my wits end. Thank you in advance and sorry I talk too much and ramble.

-Allmessedup

**herbie** · 06-10-2010 11:02 AM

it sounds like you have a few issues but i will comment on your thread title........ it doesn,t sound like you have been with a partner long enough to acheive the sex you desire.Its a trust issue you have your guard up so high how could you ever be relaxed and comforatable enough to ever let go like that Yet you can achieve it yourself ......Until you find that special man who drives you crazy sexualy and emotionally i don,t think you will acheive your goal .Mister right is out there go and find him...good luck

**cuff** · 06-10-2010 12:09 PM

You need to wait for the right guy. Don't have intercourse just to get it over with and see what your reaction would be with it. Besides, if you do have intercourse with a random "boyfriend", it may be a horrible experience because the guy has no intention of pleasing you. Where will that leave you? You're better off finding the right guy.

People find love at all ages. 20, 30, 40, 50, 60..... Don't try to rush things because you think at 40, your life has passed you by. That is not true.

**maverick** · 06-10-2010 12:54 PM

First, I'm not a psychologist, but my reply may sound like I am trying to play one. By your own admission, you are a "tough girl" now. Maybe a bit too tough. Your horrible childhood experience may have caused you to form more of a shell around sexual enjoyment than you think. Looking at the ceiling and having random thoughts during sex tells me that your head is not in the game. The mind is the greatest and most powerful sex organ in the body. If you head is not into it, you are not likely to orgasm or even find pleasure.

To answer a few of your questions: Are you broken? I doubt it. Mentally blocking? Highly possible. Dating losers? It sure sounds like it. It's strange, but many people that are sexually abused subconsciously tend to blame themselves for what happened. Sometimes this causes them to think that they deserve punishment, don't deserve a good relationship, and will never have pleasure from sex. This causes them to seek out relationships with people that can never fulfill them. AKA "losers". You may be doing this without even realizing it. Even your "handle" seems to indicate that you have low self-esteem. Do some women orgasm only through vaginal sex. Yes, but it is uncommon. Also, since you can orgasm solo without penetration, it is unlikely in your case. Most women find it harder (or impossible) to orgasm through penetration than through other methods of stimulation. Should you wait to find someone who loves you to have sex? Yes, definitely! If the guy loves you and you love him, he is going to want to please you and you are going to want to please him. It's going to be a lot easier to get you head into the act that way. I don't think that random sex will solve anything and will potentially be physically and emotionally damaging to you.

I think that you should consider seeing a counselor. You may think that you are over your abuse trauma, but I think that you have possibly built a shell around yourself to keep from being hurt again. And if you can never be hurt, you can never be loved. I don't think that you are "allmessedup" at all. You just need to understand what is standing between you and having a positive relationship with the opposite sex.

God Bless,

Mav

**stressed** · 06-10-2010 02:34 PM

I agree with maverick. Counseling is a good start and it can help you a lot.

By your post, it doesn't seem as if you're all messed up at all. I think that your childhood experience has toughened you up a lot but you still turned out alright. You're certainly too tough to allow anyone to mess you up. So, based on this, I also think that you choose the wrong partners. Maybe your relationships don't last long enough for you to be in love with the man you are with, maybe the men you choose want to rush sex. Have you told any of those men about your past? Have you found a man worthy of sharing such an experience with?

As for orgasms, it seems like you can achieve clitoral but not vaginal orgasms. This could be related to your past, but it is also a very common case with many women. It could also be that you don't do what you really want to sexually and having the man in control is not as exciting for you. You like dirty talk, oral, anal, or at least it's what you fantasize about. Some times it's hard to turn a fantasy into a really good experience; it can take work from both partners to make it feel great. The longer you are with a man you're in love with, the more chances you have for sex to feel better, because you both learn about what the other wants/likes the most and try to improve. It seems like you haven't found a sexually compatible partner yet, but that does not mean that you never will. You just need to find the kind of guy you need in your life and choose him yourself, based on your own standards and needs. Don't settle for anything else.

**jns** · 06-10-2010 09:52 PM

It seems as if you are rushing your relationships. Slow down and let love build.

**Allmessedup** · 06-15-2010 12:23 PM

I just wanna thank everybody for being very nice to me about it. I've had friends I told about my past be cruel in their remarks, blame me for it, or completely shut down on me and walk away. So obviously, not good friends. Right now I have two close friends but they're both men (one gay and one bisexual), I figured there was no way they could answer my questions. That men in general probably wouldn't have any advice on what I figured was a female situation but, looks like I was wrong. So, thank you for reminding me to be open minded. Its funny how many odd things you can open minded about but when it comes to your problems you think nobody can get it. So thank you again for giving me something to consider.

**Nwaba** · 06-16-2010 02:30 AM

For sex to be great for you it must be with a person you love cherish and desire strongly.Do not allow your past to hinder your future.Forget the past and forgive whoever that huret you so you can be able to hold on to the future.All men are not the same.There are good and bad men.Just be very careful in making a choice.

**Allmessedup** · 06-17-2010 07:48 AM

I have forgiven him a long time ago. And I honestly would not change it, I know that sounds cliche, but I have helped a lot of other people because of my ability to understand their pain and help them transform that into something more valuable. Like the will to survive and fight back. And as for there being nice men out there, yes there are. Absolutely. Same as there are plenty of cruel, spiteful women. I actually sympathize with men more than I do women because I see more women being mean on a daily basis in snotty little ways that are verbally abusive toward men and other women. If that's because as a gender we're actually the more hostile ones or simply because there are 3-4 times as many of us as there are men, who knows. I only know what I see going on.

Believe me, I hold no grudge against the male species. In fact, quite honestly I'm more masculine in personality, I dress and act like a guy (with a slightly strange sense of fashion from my fedora to my wide legged pin striped slacks one day and the next maybe gothic, maybe emo or scene or tshirt and jeans), and in my head a majority of the time I feel male. Dating brings me to a female place in my head that is not easy to deal with. Its a massive change in personality to how I normally behave. And I can't seem to help it. I don't like it. Whether my being this way is something caused by the sexual abuse or the constant physical and verbal abuse growing up... I dunno. I simply am what I am.

I'm so far down the path past normal that I should be a spokesperson for what abusing your kids can do to them. And you know what? Part of me doesn't want to be normal. There's no such thing really though I feel like its something we all strive for to be socially acceptable. Of which I am anything but. Not even my fantasies are on par with socially acceptable. Stressed earlier made a very good point to me that I'm not getting what I really want and maybe being out of control is not exciting for me. Quite insightful. Most everyone had a different insight that I did find very enlightening. And I wasn't sure I wanted to talk about it, but I think I will. You were right Stressed, I am not getting what I really want because I've been afraid of what I want and how badly its viewed.

I don't want to be out of control. I find it distasteful. I hate it... but its acceptable to most people and up until now I have allowed that because its expected of me to want things that way and enjoy things that way. I only mentioned dirty talk because its the most acceptable naughty thing people do... or one would think so but neither of my boyfriends were dirty talkers, which sucks so bad cause I'm very verbal obviously. I want the same in return. And yes, I do fantasize about anal but not in the way you think. My version does not involve me on my knees but him on his. I never fantasize about ordinary sex. I fantasize about choking, blindfolds, gags, chains, clothespins, begging, etc. The general idea is bdsm. I'm probably slightly sadistic. What I desire is to torture my man before having sex with him.

Mildly. Pleasure and pain. I don't want to hurt him hurt him. No one should truly harm another person or break them. Things like those I dream about should only ever be done consensually between adults and in the safest way possible. But that is what I want. To control him (bedroom only). I want a guy who wants to be treated like a sexual toy. Talked to like he's property. The very idea of controlling some strong, beautiful, independent creature... knowing that he is allowing me to do these things to him, enjoys bending to my will, loves me and wants to be treated this way on his knees... its an intoxicating high. Even the pornography I watch is men being used by a Dominatrix. I've heavily researched the Ds lifestyle, all of my current friends are in the Ds Ls, I even spoke to a real life master many times who taught me about the non sexual side of the relationship, consensuality, individuality, and human rights.

Most people see the porn and gasp and the first thing people tend to think is that its hurtful or forceful. Or that you have to be flogged, which is untrue, you don't have to do anything you don't want to. If that part isn't for you, then so be it. Do what makes you happy. There is no true force when things are consensual. And there are limits and safewords in place to make sure that play stays consenting and safe. The main idea is a deep trust between two people that allows them to go so far without hurting each other. SSC: Safe, Sane, Consensual. I have not taken the plunge and done it for a few reasons.

So far I've dated vanilla men (non Ds and therefore maybe I'm shopping in the wrong store).
Its not socially acceptable and I'm already so weird and have been clinging to this attempt to be normal when there isn't such a thing.
There is a certain stigma attached to the things I want that is socially unacceptable and can make life difficult for you if anyone were to find out you do those things.
I think previous sexual experience might be required. As a virgin, I dunno that this is the first thing you should do. I'm not sure, but it seems like one should have vanilla sex before trying this and at this rate I'll never get to try it cause I am not enjoying what I've experience of vanilla so far and I'm really not great at picking men obviously.

In that regard, maybe Mavrick is right. My head is not in that particular game and I have been subconsciously choosing men who cannot fulfill me. In which case if that's true I'm screwed because I have no idea how to fix that. I would like counseling but I've been told that it goes on your permanent record that you saw a shrink and employers can see it and it'll ruin your life. Is that true?

**Hopeless Dork** · 06-17-2010 09:57 AM

You are not damaged because of what happened to you. Everyone deals with that kind of hurt in different ways. You may have been hurt by your past but you are not "damaged".

If you are able to orgasm by your own touch, thats a real good sign that all things are working as they should. Some women can't orgasm at all -- masturbating, with a partner, with a vibe, nothing -- so you are way ahead of the curve there. It sounds like you were just not intimate enough with these men you've been dating to at all explore what feels good to you.

Them going down and dropping a few licks one time and you not coming from that doesn't mean your stuff doesn't work with them... it just means they didn't do it the best way for YOUR body... all of us are different and need different sensations in order to orgasm. If you have a boyfriend that is caring he's going to be patient and you are going to have to be honest and tell him what feels good to you, to show him... how you want to be touched, the pressure, the rotation, etc etc.

If you are dating guys that have no interest in your pleasure and say 'your broken cuz you didn't come when i did that' then YES... you are dating losers :P Make sure you are in the right place in your own mind before you let a man into your life. Take some time to be single and figure out what makes YOU happy, do things YOU enjoy... learn to love yourself, learn to get in touch with yourself sexually, to explore your own fantasies and become more confident in your desires.

Get in touch with yourself mentally, and emotionally. Read books of interest, take a class you want to take for fun, take up a sport or hobby, start a fitness program. Get yourself to a point where you are happy inside and want someone in your life to share in the happiness -- not create it, not destroy it... but simply share in it.

When you are not in NEED of a guy, but simply are open to one... thats when you will let the right one in. And when you do... don't give him a mountain to climb or set hurdles based on past experiences... instead accept him for who he is and don't blame him for the men in your past that he isn't responsible for.

Be open with your feelings, be up front about wanting to hold out on 'sex', as you consider something important to you... if he respects you, he'll respect that. But let him know you are still a sexual person... as you guys become intimate, communicate, tell him what you like, show him... and he can learn how to please you in the same way you give yourself pleasure.

I think you just have to be in the right place in your own mind, and with the right guy in order to orgasm with them.