my boyfriend secretly put me on video chat help!

**saturn71188** · 06-14-2010 10:38 PM

ok so I'm 21 years old and we have been together for 1 year now. (we have been good friends for 7 years) He always really liked me but it never worked out till now. Everything was good for the first 2 months until I found lots of porn on his computer and e-mails from him trying to find girls to have a 3 way with us, and porno chats. Ok so I cried for a long time and got really angry. I never fully got over this because the beginning is supposed to be the best time and he's looking for 3 ways and porn when i'm sleeping right next to him. I know he really loves me though and not like my abusive ex, but he is a good guy for the most part. So I moved on and tried to trust again. I don't have much of a sex drive at all which I need to look into for help. I feel like i could go the rest of my life without sex and i'm 21 which is another issue but any advice would be appreciated! Anyway he asked me the other night for a blowjob and sense we hardly ever have sex maybe once a month I said let me finish what i'm doing and maybe if i'm not too tired. I decided I wanted to make it good and surprise him. So I waited a while and while he was playing his online poker I started. I noticed he was clicking on the computer but I figured he was just playing and kept going figuring soon he won't even be able to concentrate...which he said 2 minutes later...so i at some point see him look at and then cover chat roulette site and go what the is that...which i get up stop what i'm doing and freak the out. This is all the night before our 1 year anniversary. He keeps saying he wants to explore and try new things and he knew i would say no, and he knows is was wrong but wants me to just move on and get over it because and this might have something to do with why he's very open sexually he was molested by his step father around age 11. I feel bad and I'm not trying to be insensitive. But it really hurt to be lied to, put online to have some creep jerk off to me, and not be enough to give him a rush that he has to put us online. I don't know what to do anymore. I had no sex drive before and now I REALLY don't. I don't want our sexual differences to end the relationship but if we don't fix things I don't think I can do this anymore.
Has this or something similar happened to anyone else? and What should I do?!

**WildChild** · 06-14-2010 10:45 PM

Are you trying to say that he put you on web cam while you were giving him a bj? That he did this without your permission and now wants you to just let it go?
Sweetie this isn't about your sexual differences. He is a total Ahole. It's very likely you could bring criminal charges against him for this. Get out now. There is nothing to save.

**jns** · 06-14-2010 10:49 PM

I'm not sure if he knows how to love someone. I agree with WildChild, get out.

**saturn71188** · 06-14-2010 10:58 PM

yes he did put me on chat roulette without my knowledge. It's hard to leave because i know he's a good person. I understand what your saying because unless you know him he sounds horrible. I guess because he doesn't mind someone else watching he doesn't see why i'm so "uptight about it" those are his words. He thinks that the lying was were he messed up but what he did wasn't that bad. I'm surprised i haven't been bugging him more about it because usually I wouldn't let him forget it and constantly be reminding him about it but it happened 2 days ago and I don't even want to think about it because I feel sick. Then I feel guilty for not being understanding because he did say a bunch of times that he's a jerk and he must be damaged from the sexual abuse...which he rarely ever talks about or brings up.

**BlissfulEnigma** · 06-14-2010 10:59 PM

That is sexual abuse, hun.
I agree, get out.

If he's blaming it on his sexual abuse, you should know that many men who were abused as children grow up to be sexual predators themselves. I'm not saying he'll start molesting kids, but the kind of thing he's done to you is pretty indicative of that kind of sexual predator mindset. He may seem sorry now, but who knows what he'll do next.

**LanaBear** · 06-14-2010 10:59 PM

I agree with WC. That is wrong on SO MANY LEVELS! If it was me, I wouldn't even be there at this point, my stuff would have been packed up and me, long gone!

Your problems from your other posts, could be related to his disrespect for you. Leave, take some time to yourself and find someone who does it for you. Someone who respects you, you deserve farm more than this arsehat is giving you.

**saturn71188** · 06-14-2010 11:03 PM

He's sleeping over and i'm trying so hard not to wake him up and scream and cry at him. I guess i was in such shock after it happend he kept trying to talk to me and I kept telling him i didn't want to talk. Finally we talked things out for hours but I was really upset when he said he still wanted to jerk off! I said you just broke my trust and probably the relationship and thats what your thinking of. Now he says that he wasn't serious but this all just kills me if his hiding this what else is there.

**Mes T** · 06-14-2010 11:04 PM

From a slightly less drastic perspective, it doesn't look like his fascination with 3 ways and everything related to that will magically change just because you're not into it. Who knows, he might suggest an open relationship in the future - something I'm assuming wouldn't sit well with you.

I think you should find someone you're more compatible with.

But, hon I gotta agree with the other posters - this is BEYOND not-okay.

I don't know what sexual abuse you're referring to when you said your boyfriend uses that as an excuse, but if he was actually abused like that in the past, then he might have some issues right now that only a professional counselor, not YOU, would be equipped to deal with.

Oh and by the way - I'm not surprised in the least that your sex drive is gone. A man like that would kill mine, too.

**rcoreyus** · 06-14-2010 11:05 PM

Just so you know where I'm coming from: I don't object to porn unless it interferes with a couple's sex life. I have not objections to a very wide range of behaviors between consenting adults. but..THIS WAS NOT CONSENTING!. It was a direct violation of trust and completely unacceptable.

If he doesn't understand how serious this is, what else doesn't he understand?

Now before I go too far off the deep end, people do really stupid things some times. If he can really understand how bad this was, maybe there is hope.

**cuff** · 06-14-2010 11:09 PM

While it's horrible about him being molested as a child, I don't believe in the abuse excuse. What he did is wrong, no matter what he tries to blame. It doesn't sound like a good relationship.