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Thread: Love my man, but he can't get me aroused. Passion problem? Vibrator problem? Help!

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    Unhappy Love my man, but he can't get me aroused. Passion problem? Vibrator problem? Help!


    First post here. Seems like there are a lot of great people here, hope someone can advise me. This is long, sorry! Thanks!
    So, here's my story in a nutshell (a really big nutshell!). I'm 26, hubby's 25. We've been married 6 years, after a year of dating. We had great sex while dating, and when first married.
    I was dealing with a lot of emotional issues, weight issues, health issues, and our relationship suffered the first few years after we got married. I definitely had to grow up a lot! But I figured my life out, lost the excess weight, built my self-esteem up, and now life is good!
    Our relationship is really good too (although it wasn't always). We've dealt with a lot over the years. I was raised in a very religious house, where I felt such guilt and shame over feeling sexual/masturbating/fooling around with boys that I used to hurt myself. I cheated on my hubby before we got married, then didn't tell him for 5 years. Also, I was sexually abused by a boyfriend in high school, and had a whole lot of baggage along those lines. We've worked through these issues and feel pretty much over them. We both are happy with each other and with our life.
    The only real issue we have is sex. We even spent last summer working with a sex therapist (who I think helped a lot, but he doesn't agree).
    Here's the problem we have: Our sex drives aren't on the same page at all...they're practically in different books. He would like sex 3-4 times a week (not unreasonable at all, I know). I however, would probably be okay with once every week, if even that.
    He has expressed to me that he is VERY willing to work on this, and come to some sort of compromise (ie, the $2500 in therapy). We've read several books together on sexual help, we are pretty open about talking about what's going on and how we're feeling. I just struggle on how to talk with him about this, as I know it is something that hurts him.
    For a long time, I blamed the problems we have on low sexual desire. But I don't believe that's my problem. I've always been a very sexual person. I used to masturbate as a kid/teenager a couple times a week. When we first got married, I stopped doing it as much, but my husband encouraged me to keep doing it if it helped. I have no problem getting aroused when by myself, orgasming by myself (either with manual stimulation or a vibrator/dildo). I admitted to him that I enjoyed watching porn, and reading erotic novels, and he's encouraged me to use that to help me get aroused as well.
    What I think the core issue we/I have is that HE can't get me aroused. Often, when I know he's in the mood, or it's been a few days since we've done anything, I will "prep" myself- watch or read something erotic, play with a vibrator, do something to get me aroused when I know he's on his way home. When I do this, the sex is usually good! When I'm aroused, I enjoy him touching me, going down on me, etc....FYI, things that completely turn me off when I'm not aroused.
    When I'm starting from complete unarousal, the only thing that gets me there (with him) is a strong vibrator (with or without penetration). I have a dildo with a clit stimulator, which is the most effective way of getting me aroused and making me orgasm. He HATES it though, b/c he feels like using that, what do I need him for? (I totally understand this, but I also don't know how to recreate the great clit stimulation as perfectly with any of my other toys It's not that I prefer the dildo at all! It's just that the toy was made to get my clit just right!!). We do try to have sex while using a vibrator, and I can usually come that way, it's just more work. A lot of times what happens is he'll come first, then finish me off with the dildo. But he really has been trying to get me to come first lately.
    He's also concerned that I'm dependent on a vibrator to orgasm (which I suppose I am, when he's around. I only ever remember one time where I had an orgasm with him without it. Although I have no problem with manual stimulation when on my own, so I don't know what the issue is there).
    We've tried watching porn together to help get me aroused, but I just can't get there while he's there watching. I'm sure I have some sort of mental block from 10+ years of watching porn and masturbating alone (and being very secretive/feeling guilty about it).
    One other thing we both agree on, and I'm sure is somehow tied into all of this, is that I feel a lack of passion in my life, especially our sex life. My husband is still as crazy about me as he ever was (especially since I am back to the weight I was when we met). But I feel like something's missing. I rarely crave sex, and when we do it, I can get into it, but I don't go crazy like he does.
    We both work full-time, and he's going to school as well, so our time is limited. I hate to say that I feel like sex is just another thing on my checklist, but sometimes it feels like that. I know that stress also affects my sexual mood. I have noticed that when I'm not stressed or having to deal with work/housework issues (like when we're on vacation, over the weekends, etc), it's easier for me to want to be sexual. It's also easier for me to enjoy sex when I prepare myself, which is why weekends are better for our sex life (I work 4 days a week, so have an extra day off, where I can have some alone time before he gets home).
    Let me also say that I don't think there is anything wrong with my husband. He is very hot, he has worked hard to build his body (and I really enjoy looking at him/grabbing onto his muscles when I'm aroused). But he. just. doesn't. turn. me. on.....

    So, I guess I'm asking for help! How can I get over my mental blocks of not being able to get aroused with him involved? Have I completely ruined myself with all the years of secrecy and doing these things alone (and LOVING them!)? How can I bring my sex drive into my marriage? I would love to do more with him, more often, and help us both feel fulfilled, but:
    1) When we do stuff together, I have a really hard time getting aroused if I haven't spent some time alone getting there beforehand.
    2) I can only orgasm with a vibrator (which I know is normal for some women, but I know it bothers him a bit).
    3) I love my husband and I love being close to him, but doing stuff on my own just feels more satisfying (even though I DO make an effort to try and take care of his needs, and be open to sex more often than I want to).
    4) How can I incorporate things that arouse me when alone into my sex life with my husband? I can't figure that one out!

    This is the only thing we ever fight about anymore (and it's usually mid-act...which completely ruins it, and makes us both frustrated and upset...plus it turns a one-hour activity into a 2-4 hour ordeal), and I really would like to resolve this however I can. I just don't know what to do.

    Sorry this is so long. Thanks for taking the time to read it, and help me out a bit
    Last edited by Sweetfudge; 06-15-2010 at 09:45 PM.

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    It is possible to get desensitized by using a vibrator, so maybe that is part of the issue.

    Just a few thoughts in no particular order:

    If you can orgasm by yourself using your hands, can you show him? Most men really enjoy watching their SOs masturbate and it would let him learn what you like.

    You can look for a vibrator that is easy for him to use on you while you are having sex. Something small and easy to hold (pocket rocket or similar) might work.

    Sex is mostly mental. What do you fantasize about and can you bring your husband into this?

    Have you told and shown him what you like in bed? Don't assume he can guess or figure it out.

    Has sex become routine - do you make an attempt to keep it fresh and interesting?

    If you can have more enjoyable sex with him you might find yourself more enthusiastic about the whole thing.

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    What i could deduce from all you said so far is that the problem is in your mind.Try to overcome the difficulties being posed by your mind then you are on your way to having a great sex drive and passion for your husband.

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    Are you more attracted to women than men? Just a thought...

    Otherwise I second everything rcoreyus has said. My man turns me on but I too struggle with climaxing with him. You gotta lay off the vibrator and learn to use your fingers, as then you could teach your partner to do the same for you.

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    Quote Originally Posted by rcoreyus View Post
    It is possible to get desensitized by using a vibrator, so maybe that is part of the issue.

    Just a few thoughts in no particular order:

    If you can orgasm by yourself using your hands, can you show him? Most men really enjoy watching their SOs masturbate and it would let him learn what you like.

    You can look for a vibrator that is easy for him to use on you while you are having sex. Something small and easy to hold (pocket rocket or similar) might work.

    Sex is mostly mental. What do you fantasize about and can you bring your husband into this?

    Have you told and shown him what you like in bed? Don't assume he can guess or figure it out.

    Has sex become routine - do you make an attempt to keep it fresh and interesting?

    If you can have more enjoyable sex with him you might find yourself more enthusiastic about the whole thing.
    I wondered about being desensitized to a vibrator, so a couple days ago, I tried just using manual stimulation while masturbating, and it worked great. I enjoy the more intense sensations I get with a good vib, but don't think that's the problem, or at least not the main problem.
    I've tried showing him what I like, what feels good to me, but it just doesn't feel the same when he does it.
    We do usually use a small vibrator when having sex, and that definitely helps. Problem is, ours recently broke, and our most recent attempt/fight was vibrator-less. May have added to the frustration (him knowing that we had nothing to get me there). My husband is a very caring lover, and would rather focus on getting me to orgasm before concerning himself with his needs, so not having any good tools to utilize was very discouraging for him.
    About the fantasies...maybe it's a part of the problem. I don't have a lot of fantasies. At least, I have a hard time conjuring them when we're mid-act. That's something I've really been trying to work on lately.
    I don't think sex has become routine. It's not very exciting, and yes, we usually stick to a certain few positions (optimal for vibrator use). When I'm aroused, I don't care what position we're in, I like it...

    What you're saying though, makes sense. I communicate pretty well with my husband, except for when it comes to intimacy. I think I just need to take more initiative, showing him what to do, guiding him, etc.
    Thanks for the advice and thoughts!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Nwaba View Post
    What i could deduce from all you said so far is that the problem is in your mind.Try to overcome the difficulties being posed by your mind then you are on your way to having a great sex drive and passion for your husband.
    I am totally with you! I know my problem is all in my head. I just don't know what to do to fix it...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mes_T View Post
    Are you more attracted to women than men? Just a thought...

    Otherwise I second everything rcoreyus has said. My man turns me on but I too struggle with climaxing with him. You gotta lay off the vibrator and learn to use your fingers, as then you could teach your partner to do the same for you.
    I don't think so. Most of the porn I enjoy is girl on girl action, but honestly, never been with a girl, and very uncomfortable with the thought of actually pursuing something along those lines (even though my husband has said he's all for it if that's what I need. lol).
    I think you're right. Back to the basics. I never had a vibrator until I got married, and I did very well without it for many years. Thanks!

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    Practice practice practice
    Seriously though, it sounds like he is willing to learn, so give him lots of encouragement. Maybe let him help while you are doing yourself? You will both enjoy it if he learns to please you better.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sweetfudge View Post
    I've tried showing him what I like, what feels good to me, but it just doesn't feel the same when he does it. !

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    Watching girl/girl porn? That's what you should fantasize about when with your husband. My SO likes watching girl/girl though she won't admit it; I found out she watches when she masturbates - but I don't think has ever had an experience.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sweetfudge View Post
    I don't think so. Most of the porn I enjoy is girl on girl action,
    May I ask, why? Is it their bodies or what they do? Can you try to incorporate men in the porn you watch and find what would arouse you?

    I personally think watching homosexual porn can affect sex and fantasies. If you need to watch homosexual porn before having sex with your man to enjoy it, then something may not be as you think it is. I could be wrong, but if my man watched gay porn before having sex with me I wouldn't be happy about it...

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