Celibate for 3 1/2 years, Unsure What to Do Now?

**Lucid14** · 06-19-2010 09:07 PM

I separated from my now ex-husband when my son was 2 months old, in 2006.
(We divorced a year later) From 2006 until now I have been a single parent and I have had no relationships
or sex with anyone. My marriage was a toxic one and I am somewhat afraid to get into another relationship
and I now have a son who is my first priority. I don't feel like I have a lot of time to invest in a relationship
at this point. That being said I'm feeling very deprived in the sex and affection department. A part of me
feels like I should just find a friends with benefits type of situation to at least take care of a few needs. But
the part of me that has been celibate for so long says I should wait until I get into relationship to have sex
with someone because I've waited this long already.

I guess I'm afraid that I won't find a relationship for a while and I don't want to wait any longer to go without
sex and affection. 3 and a half years is a long time! Is there anyone who has a similar situation or can offer any
advice?

Thank you so much!!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-19-2010 10:10 PM

It's good that you've realised the reason why you have been celebant,through a fear of relationships and that, your child remained your "reason" in your mind, your excuse.

Now it's cause and effect.

I can tell you from my own experience, that I certainly spent a long and lonely time on my own, but in that, I also found as I learnt myself, what exactly I wanted out of my next relationship, including sexually and so I explored, by myself in that fashion and found some amazing things out about myself, and realised that I was sensual,sexual & horney and could be any of those, or all of those. And, I did, have sexual relations, continuing that exploration

And, I don't feel cheap, nasty or bad within myself, because I also dated, and met people and did not have sexual relations, keeping to what you may also have inside, morals.

But, you need to realise we do have needs, wants and desires and if you can take an adventure, for a few weeks with someone to explore and find yourself, it's OK.

The only time it is not, is when your being used, treated un-fairly, or wrongly. Then you get out of it...

It's a beautiful thing to hold on, until you find someone in your life that you start to fall in love and lust with.... I have done that and I am at that place now.

But, not-withstanding, I did try a couple of times over my 3 years myself, knowingly that they weren't going to be what I was looking for "relationship wise" but on the same accord, there are other things there to acknowledge about yourself, your needs, your findings of life and there's nothing wrong as long as you don't cheapen yourself and sleep with Tom and Harry, and then John, Michael and Bob

If you know what I mean.

You've given your love to your baby, now start to give some love to yourself, you deserve it.

And, forget past, past is exactly that, past... It's your present now that you need to concentrate on, for your future.

Welcome to the Forum.

CW

**WildChild** · 06-19-2010 10:18 PM

I too have have several periods of celebacy in my life and being a very horny woman, it wasn't easy and am probably heading into another. I think that when you do give sex a try, you just may find it more delightful than you expected. Know that is it likely that the first man or two you date won't be who you want long term, nothing wrong with that.

One thing you should keep in mind is that use it or lose it applies to all the muscles in your body including vaginal walls. You should be using a kegel master or some sort of resistance device to keep them toned. This will not only make getting back into sex easier but good string PC muscles will reduce your likelihood of having trouble with incontinence as you get older.

**Lucid14** · 06-19-2010 10:26 PM

Thank you CW, that was exactly what I needed to hear. I think I'm ready to open up!

**Lucid14** · 06-19-2010 10:27 PM

Thanks Wild Child, yes, I try and do Kegels when I remember. It will be fun getting back in the swing of things so to speak!

**Hopeless Dork** · 06-20-2010 02:14 AM

I went much longer than 3 years without sex... and then the longer I waited the more the whole idea of getting 'back on the horse' so to speak totally freaked me out :P Like you, the longer I waited... the more I felt like when I did finally decide to have sex... it was going to be with someone I really wanted to have it with. Once you establish you CAN be celebate... you really don't have to worry about falling into someone one night stand with someone you really didn't even like because you know you can live without sex... and that its just a real nice benefit when you find a real nice person to share it with.

I wouldn't worry so much about finding sex, get out there and date... or at least keep your heart open to meeting someone new should they cross your path.. and when someone comes into your life, and it feels right, go on ahead

Don't build it up so much in your mind like a new virginity... it really isn't. And we women are worth more than our vaginas or whether or not they have been inhabited lately... so i feel like it shouldn't really matter.

I was celebate for so long because after a long history of abuse... I just gave up on the idea that sex was worth it. I loved the feelings, I still masturbated, still was a sexual person.

When I met my boyfriend, we were sexual early early on... but without intercourse... it took me a while to do it, not because i didn't want to ... but just nerves about it because of having went so long without it. But finally I did... and I am so happy i did

I'm in a very loving, very sexually heated relationship and I am glad that i decided i deserved that.

Don't worry you won't grow cobwebs... nothign re-seals lol. I do reccomend kegals... since you aren't using your muscles as actively they may become slack. Keep up wth those kegals... live your life for you and your own happiness and don't rush out to find someone to 'break your streak' or don't build up a mountain of qualifiers before someone may ever grace your vaginas presence again :P Instead just treat it like the non issue it really is rather than the supreme court case you make it in your mind

Just be yourself, follow your own desires and your own heart and when you let it happen it'll happen.

**jns** · 06-20-2010 01:53 PM

I don't think friends with benefits usually works, because over time one of the partners wants more and they find out the other partner doesn't want to upgrade the relationship. I agree with the moderators, get out there dating, take it slow, and if it feels right, pursue it. Somewhere out there is the right partner for you.

**Lucid14** · 06-20-2010 07:09 PM

Thanks to both Hopeless Dork and jns. I don't think the FWB really works either, it just seems like where will I be able to fit in anything else after working fulltime and taking care of a 3 year old? I suppose the right person can and will be okay with my busy life. Probably has a busy life too.

And I like the idea of treating it like a non-issue, that's good. I have built it up to be this huge thing in my mind, which is maybe why I haven't met anyone.

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