Thread: I do not enjoy sex. Ever.

I masturbate without penetration and I do fine. Sex gives me nothing. I have a low sex drive, and I could go my whole life without having sex, if it weren't for the fact that my husband has a very high sex drive.

"You should try more foreplay!"

Foreplay is not as good as masturbating, and getting nice and wet doesn't help. It takes my husband longer to cum and eventually the wetness goes away, no results. He's use to the friction of masturbating because I don't want to have sex, so he needs a little friction to get off, but he also wants it to last a long time and I don't. I have other things I want to do with my time. I feel nothing when I'm wet and nothing but pain when I'm not.

"Coach him to do what you like!"

Tried that. Doesn't work. He doesn't easily understand and I get frustrated explaining things. He wants to listen, but it takes a long time to teach and it kills the mood, so I end up not feeling turned on and it takes forever to get off, when I could do it so much quicker with a vibrator on my clit.

"Have you tried different positions?"

Yes. No success. I just do not seem to get anything at all from penetration.

"What about your g-spot?"

Oh, I found that. It just doesn't seem to DO anything. I've tried rubbing it on my own and it's awkward to reach, doesn't cause any of the "intense" sensations I've heard women bragging about. It's just ineffective.

"Could it be psychological?"

Since I was a virgin when my husband and I first had sex, and I was never abused, I doubt it. Over the years I've built up a psychological issue where I think of sex as a chore I need to perform because I love my husband and I want him to be happy, but that seems to be a result of my lack of pleasure, not a cause.

"You should see a doctor!"

I have no medical insurance. I'm dead broke. I've researched information on a lack of pleasure, but I can't find something that sounds like me. I don't seem to have vulvodynia, or uterian fibrosis. If there's any other medical cause for something like this, by all means, tell me about it.

I apologize. I know I'm being challenging and confrontational, but I am so fed up with reading the same thing over and over, and I get insanely jealous with women who describe great success with penetration. I don't even look at straight porn anymore, it's either woman-on-woman or man-on-man, because I just can't relate to a girl getting off through penetration. If there is any advice you ladies (and occasional men) can give me, I will be appreciative.

Do you masturbate together? Do you love your husband, are you attracted to him? Do you want to enjoy sex with him?

We don't, I try to avoid anything that might lead to sex when I think I can. I love my husband a lot, or it wouldn't bother me so much that I can't enjoy sex with him. He's gained weight, but he still has beautiful eyes and a very nice voice, and he's going to the gym a lot to try and lose his stomach. I want to enjoy sex with him, I want to experience some of the things other women seem to, even the smallest orgasm would be better than nothing.

Edit: I don't want to do things that could lead to sex WHEN I DON'T INTEND TO HAVE IT because I don't want him to be disappointed. Thought that needed clarification.

Sex has a big mental component - what do you find romantic/exciting / sexy - what do you fantasize about?

Using a vibrator a lot can desensitize you to other things. He could use the vibrator on you while you are having sex - but it is a bit awkward.

I try to fantasize about sex while it's going on. It's hard to ignore unpleasant sensations, though. If I'm on top, I'll get tired very easily, or he'll have his legs wide and my hips will hurt, or he'll slip out a lot. On the bottom, he's very heavy and tends to shift around a lot, pinching or pushing on different parts of my body. Doggy-style I wind up with my face in the mattress or on the headboard. There's one position I like that doesn't cause a lot of tiredness or weight problems or concussions (jk), but I still don't feel anything. I'll try that, plus a vibrator tonight, if I can.

I'd strongly recommend to start masturbating using your fingers only (just for a little bit) you are able to orgasm that way and it will keep your clitoris from becoming desensitized. Use your hand (or vibrator -- maybe make it a special treat for during sex... that might get your mind to react more positively toward sex) during penetration.

I'm sure if it will lead to more sex with you , he won't mind one bit you using a vibrator on your clit during sex, and you guys can even try one of those rings where he wears the vibrator to stimulate your clitoris while he is inside of you.

Maybe make a trip to the sex shop together... pick out a dvd you'd both enjoy... a sex toy of your chosing and one of his choosing ... just the trip alone can make you feel excited and in the mood.

The same negetive confrontational approach you've taken to your post... if its also whats in your mind when you are about to have sex... its never going to feel good. Sex is mental, if you are thinking... this is just gonna suck -- it will, regaurdless of what happens.

You mention rather than coach him into what you like, although he listens... you can get off faster with a vibe. Though that is the case... it doesn't support intimacy. Don't try to make it a contest between his penis and your vibe. Its a machine, its going to win the speed race. Sure you'd rather spend your time elsewhere... but you sound like you love your husband, and he loves having sex with you -- and that is something that can bring you guys closer or tear you apart. The ball is truly in your court on that. Rather than having sex simply to pacify him (I'm sure he can sense your resentment and ask anyone if pity'get -it -over- with- pls' sex is very satisfying... its not) training yourself to enjoy it.. where you are organically, naturally thrilled to have it... will make it not feel like killing time but rather, bonding pleasurably.

You mention not thinking its psychological blocks with you because you were never abused and a virgin when married, but a checkered or damaged sexual past is not the only thing that can lead to mental blocks. Were you brought up in a house where sex was a dirty word? Were you ashamed of your body? Did you masturbate or have sexual feelings? Did/do you have any guilt associated with that?

do you think you've mentally "given up"? I mean, I know it's easy to get frustrated at times, but sexual enjoyment for women is really mental... If you've kind of resigned yourself to just not enjoying it, do you think maybe your body physically might be reacting to what you're thinking mentally?

I might have missed this, but have you ever enjoyed and/or had sensation from penetration?

Maybe try something. For a month, no sexual release without him present. Use your fingers or vibrator during sex. Let him watch you masturbate (most men love this). It sounds like he wants sex more often than you do - so there shouldn't be a need for you to be doing it alone. To me this would be the equivalent of a man who goes off to watch porn because it gets him off quickly, rather than have sex with his wife. I'm not trying to sound harsh - just indicating how he might feel about it.

I think it is fine for people to masturbate, watch porn, use sex toys (all the same to me), when their SO's aren't available, but I think it isn't a good idea to do any of those rather than have sex with a willing partner. If your partner is wiling to learn to be a better lover, it is definitely worth the effort to show them what you like.

I honestly believe some people's bodies aren't compatible. I love my partner, he can make me orgasm and we have an extraordinarily adventurous sex life BUT I feel very little with penetration. I've just come to accept it and work with it. For me, the best is me on top, leaning very far fwd and going very slow until I find what movement creates sensation. Also 'doggy' works best for me with him. Missionary? Nothiing. Nada. No feeling whatsoever. But I don't tell him and I don't make a fuss b/c everything else we do is awesome. I've just accepted it.

I've had sex with other guys and it's been mindblowing and I have NO idea why or what the difference is. Penis shape (not that there was anything spectacularly different that I noticed), just the way we 'fit' together internally, his position, his 'skill' at working out what feels good. Penetration isn't the 'be all and end all' of sex so I think you need to concentrate on the positives and work with those.

Unfortunately penetrative sex doesn't provide the right kind of stimulation for many or most women. Women usually require direct clitoral stimulation to orgasm. Some may like to touch themselves or use a vibrator during sex but I often prefer to keep my orgasm separate and finger myself to orgasm immediately after he's cum. Many couples are happy for the woman to orgasm from oral sex before penetration, then they are often sensitised and may enjoy the rest of the lovemaking better.