Thread: Boyfriend looking at porn - what am I doing wrong?

To be honest, everything to do with housework etc is pretty much shared - he's better than most men for that kind of thing! And he earns quite a lot more than me and contributes more to the household finances than I do.
I just feel so frustrated because we do have the kind of relationship where we can sit down and tell each other if something is bothering us...I just feel that with this issue I can't say much before getting upset and the way he is just so calm and matter-of-fact about it makes me feel like I am over-reacting. I just can't get across how much this upsets me.
I just want my lovely boyfriend back - I thought he was perfect, and now I just feel like he wants an upgrade...

I'm sorry you are in this situation. While I don't object to porn in general, it this case (and many others) it seems like it might be directly interfering with your sex life - and that is a serious problem. Is there any chance you can talk to him - tell him that it isn't the porn itself that worries you, but his losing interest in you? That it seems he is becoming more interested in pictures than in a real person. He is probably gradually becoming addicted - may not realize it himself.

If he can't break out of this cycle, then maybe it is time for you to move on.

While I do see where your coming from in that this is affecting your sex life because that just simply isnt okay. I do have to vouch for the fact that men have been watching porn since they learned how and im guessing this is just a normal behaviour for him, not to mention the fact that fantasies are just that they are fantasy for a reason. If you did everything in the pornos that he likes he would switch to something else because its different. Kwim?

I think you need to sit him down and tell him that it bothers you that he has seemed to lose interest in you, because that is the real problem here. Unless the rcorey is right in that he is becoming addicted to porn, then it is something you should learn to live with because its something he will probably always do.

Thanks for the reply. I have tried talking to him about how I feel that he's not as attracted to me as he used to be...he said that I needed to realise that relationships change and that he loved me more than he ever did and he thought that sex was good - the fact that he didn't want it as much didn't worry him as he still felt it was enough. He said that sex wasn't the most important thing and I needed to realise that and maybe my priorities in the relationship and my view of what made a successful relationship were different to his. That was the point that I decided to stop making any advances, as I couldn't see things changing. When we do have sex, it's amazing - maybe even better than when we first started because there is a higher level of trust and intimacy.
I don't think that he looks at porn that frequently, or if he does, he hides it well. He has just been promoted at work and now has a lot more reponsibility and work to do - I don't know if that's an issue. He says that he just looks at porn because he feels like it and he could stop if I wanted him to. If I take him up on that offer, I'll feel as if I've deprived him of something. He sees porn as not being related to our relationship and he says that he does look at women who are different to me because he can look at me whenever he wants and there's no point in looking at other women who look like me because that's what he's got! He keeps re-iterating the fact that he loves me and doesn't see the sex thing as an issue - we just have different levels of sex drive. He did understand that I saw it as a rejection of me in favour of porn and said that it wasn't the case...aaargh! Don't know what to think!

So to start off, just about the different sex drive. He is totally right in that things change, BUT if you two want it more or less you need to compromise, it isnt fair if he gets it whenever he wants it but you dont! Lol. Also I hope he was sympathetic when you told him that it hurt you to be rejected because he would have had the same reaction. Him getting a promotion could definitly affect his sex drive, thats a big deal! So all of this could pass in time anyway.

As for him telling you that he loves you more than ever and all that. You just have to ask yourself if he has ever lied to you about something so important before, if the answer is no then why would he start now? If yes then you have some things to re-evaluate.

And finally the porn, dont ask him to stop, that is only going to cause him to hide it because he feels its acceptable behaviour, which is only going to cause issues in your relationship. I am not a man so I cant be sure of this but im pretty sure most of the men you date will be into porn. Now im not going to lie I have seen the things that men i've been with type into the search and it has definitly made me insecure at times but I realize that its the fantasy that gets him, how us women think of one to get off to is their porn, they are just much more visual creatures.

Ultimatly you have to decide if your comfortable with it, and ask yourself if you believe that it isnt you or the porn its you and the porn.



If that doesnt work, look at it this way. Would you rather him look at pornstars, or go find a woman that doesnt have a problem with him looking at them (or like you doesnt know that he has been doing it all along).

You can, and should... really take comfort in the fact that you are not alone in what you are going through. There is nothing wrong with you, your boobs, your hair color, your size, nothing. If I had a quarter for everytime I read a post EXACTLY like yours...

The formula:

*Feeling like you have a decent sex life... maybe not having it as often as you like but figure, eh... he just wants it a little less than you, no big deal, you're happy.

*Disovering he's masturbating to porn in his free time, feelings of insecurity, inadequacy taking hold... wondering why on earth he turns down sex with you, but still masturbates to porn... a very hard thing to not take personally.

*Confrontation... telling them how much you hurt, them saying it means nothing, they don't even need it and wont do it anymore if it bothers you.

*Sex life becomes more sportatic... insecurities rise, a small looksee around see's he's still looking at porn. Double hurt. Hurt that he is still masturbating more than having sex with you , hurt also that he lied about stopping, lied about not needing it.

*Re-confrontation... this time they are faced with the fact you no longer buy their bs that they don't really need it, for if they didn't really "need it" they would have left it alone as they said they would. So... defensive reactions on their part. "I"m a guy" "Its what guys do" "get over it"

You can pretty much later rinse repeat those last two steps because they are the only things that happens next after this point on their behalf.

You on the other hand either choose to keep banging your head against the wall trying to figure out why they only want sex with YOU once every 2 weeks... (tired, stressed, not in the mood) but want to masturbate to porn daily.

Some guys will realize how selfish they are being and at least try to level their attention and make it split more fairly between sex with you and masturbation to porn.

Others will continue the same pace. Leaving you frustrated and feeling unwanted.

That is the point to which you have to decide for yourself if you are getting your needs met in this relationship. Rest assured that not all men are this way. In fact I'd wager to guess more men would prefer sex with their significant other to masturbating alone to porn. But it seems to be the latter is on a rapid incline for becoming the state of things for a lot of men based on the hundreds of posts exactly like yours.

Guys in their 20's and 30's have pretty much developed sexually with instant available internet porn and some do not have a healthy relationship with it. They don't have the capacity to fantasize, or to even desire to be with someone 'real', are typically more aroused by inanimate sex object females than ones with emotions. If they used porn more sparingly saved up their energry for their partner and spent more time fantasizing without the aid of the internet... they can retrain their bodies to be more responsive and interested in intimacy with a live human being. But too many fail to see the need to do so.

My advice for you is discontinue any battle with the porn itself, its a symptom of the deeper issue... lack of intimacy, and selfishness. If you keep fighting the porn , 1... he's just going to do it anyway and hide it better, lie about it more and 2.. its giving him a built in excuse (in your mind) for why you are being sexually neglected.

You will get more mad at the porn than the guy, and that will get you no where but a vicious cycle. Instead approach your concerns to him from a logical standpoint rather than an emotional one. Instead of saying I don't want you watching porn anymore... say I want to feel more wanted by you sexually.

If he loves you and values the relationship, he'll put porn in its proper perspective, beneath you. And you can learn to live with the compromise that he may still occasionally prefer porn/masturbation... but as long as he is meeting your needs and making you feel desired, its not something you absolutely can't live with.

If he keeps the status quo, still avoiding intimacy with you, still porn'ing it up... you will have decide if you are goingto be happy with sex once a fortnight while he's cranking away in the office. And if you can't... it might be time to persue other avenues of interest.

I think porn is like alcohol. Some people can have a little and have no negative - and maybe some positive effects on their lives (a drink with friends / watching a porn flick with your SO can be fine occasionally). Others consume more and more, eventually wind up lying in an alley with a bottle of thunderbird in a paper bag / watching and masturbating to porn every day while ignoring their SO.

I agree with HD (as usual) that the important thing is to convince him that the big issue is your declining sex life, not the porn as such. If you can really make him realize that he is trading a real live woman for jerking off to pictures - maybe he will understand what a mistake he is making.