Thread: Asking for sex.....when is enough, enough?

Ok, so we had a our normal little Wednesday get together last night with some friends and as normally happens after a few beverages, discussion turns to sex.

Last night there was a specific question raised about me asking for sex "every day"

We had 4 girls (all in their 30's) and 2 guys (34 and 43) and 4 of us had no issue about the thought that someone would want sex daily. So long as there wasn't specific pressure or guilt placed on the person that wasn't interested, it was dismissed as OK.

What interested me was in another thread here a couple of weeks ago someone made reference to the fact that asking for sex "1 or 2 times a week" was too much.

I get up before my partner 90% of the time and will come from the shower in the morning, climb back into bed and perhaps ask if she's interested in a quicky before the baby wakes up or I'll make sure the jobs are done and head off to bed at 8pm ish and ask if she would like to join me........she does, and then watches TV for an hour. If I have a day off I'll prepare some snacks and a wine mid arvo so we can have some time to ourselves and even that results in a stern "why is it always about sex" before I even get to the couch.

FYI on my situation, we have a 7 month old baby and sex was super up until about 2 months ago. Oddly this was around the time we finally became more organized with more time to ourselves and much better sleep patterns etc. I literally do "heaps" to help out and would love to feel like I can discuss this without it being a personal attack on her.

Back in mid May she suggested that she would be far more willing if I didn't ask. I stayed completely away from the subject and gave her nothing but a quick kiss at appropriate times. After 3 weeks I was bursting to ask why there was no interest from her side and was greeted with a "well I have no interest" type of reply.......she said she literally had not even thought about sex in that time.

If I just leave her be, I'm now concerned we will head down that route of never having sex and wind up resenting each other over it.

Many people (myself included) would think that sex once a day is fine - assuming that some of those are just something quick. Other people want sex much less often, or never. There have been many discussions here on the problem of relationships with mis-matched desires for sex - it causes a wide variety of problems.

I'm sorry you are in this spot, and don't have any useful advice.

Oh, I forgot............sex a couple of times a week would be more than enough for me.

It just seems I ask daily because when its been a number of weeks the urge tends to rise.

Just thinking out loud here bored at work but say I do allow her to "come to me" in her own time.

Do I need to wait until Thanksgiving before I am entitled to question the matter further, whats a reasonable time frame to be patient?

I literally do "heaps" to help out and would love to feel like I can discuss this without it being a personal attack on her.

I'm always a little concerned by a statement like this. Simply because if a similar message as that was conveyed to your wife, I can see where she'd feel like "What? He thinks he's helping ME out when really he's just doing his part in this relationship as a husband and father?".

I get up before my partner 90% of the time and will come from the shower in the morning, climb back into bed and perhaps ask if she's interested in a quicky before the baby wakes up or I'll make sure the jobs are done and head off to bed at 8pm ish and ask if she would like to join me........she does, and then watches TV for an hour. If I have a day off I'll prepare some snacks and a wine mid arvo so we can have some time to ourselves and even that results in a stern "why is it always about sex" before I even get to the couch.

What kinds of things do you do for your wife that are not done as a direct and obvious means to get sex? I don't mean that in a bad or blaming sort of way, but doing the dishes, changing diapers, straightening the house....well that doesn't count. The snacks and wine and all that is a great thing to do, but honestly ask yourself, are you doing that with the expectation that it will get you sex? Because if you are, trust me she knows. Would you be fine with wine and snacks and talking, maybe snuggling up and watching a good movie, without the anticipation that sex should be involved?

I know I went through a point with my ex where I felt like everytime I touched him, everytime he touched me, everytime he did something nice for me or tried to get close to me, he was wanting sex, thinking about sex, hoping for sex, doing something to lead to sex. This started when we stopped having sex as much. He was still getting sex, just not twice a day, and not every day. It was a huge turnoff to me to know that everytime we did anything special together or anything there was affection he intended for it to lead to sex and would be disappointed otherwise. Thus, it began to feel like a job to me.

The hormonal changes that happen to a women during pregnancy and after giving birth are UNREAL. Her body is doing things you can't even imagine. Her hormones are DIFFERENT. And thats what men often have a hard time understanding, because if there are no medical issues, a mans hormones stay fairly constant up until a certain older age. But because our bodies are so complex, because we can literally grow a human inside of our bodies and nuture it to existance, we do often go through changes that we simply can't help. And if she is going through a time when her hormones are doing all sorts of crazy things, she certainly doesn't need to feel like she's a disappointment if she's not doing the deed for you every time you want it.

Playing a bit of the devils advocate here....but hey, that's what I do.

So, how often in a normal month do you and your wife have sex?
How are the other aspects of your relationship?

Originally Posted by Beautiful Disaster

What kinds of things do you do for your wife that are not done as a direct and obvious means to get sex? I don't mean that in a bad or blaming sort of way, but doing the dishes, changing diapers, straightening the house....well that doesn't count.

So, how often in a normal month do you and your wife have sex?
How are the other aspects of your relationship?

It depends on who you ask, obviously.

I try to do as much as possible to make her life easier and try to avoid any direct correlation between chores etc and sex. At best I try and give her the time to think about sex but am not expecting a "reward" for doing my bit.

A normal month.........define normal. Before pregnancy, we had sex daily. During pregnancy, almost never and since we had a couple of good months (8-10 times a month) but only twice since the start of May.

Relationship is great, although I would love the opportunity to spend some time doing stuff for myself a little more. I've only had the opportunity once to genuinely catch up with my friends in the last 6 months.