Thread: Ok, fine... tell me it's me.

We're in our 50s... and I'm feeling very frustrated by his demands. I've always enjoyed sex and I've been open to trying new things - he is open minded as well. (BTW, we've been together 6 years, married 4, both work from home together, kids are all grown)

So here's a Reader's Digest version of the issues: When we first met, he admitted upfront that he tended to be a bit oversexed - not really a problem since I'd always had a healthy libido - except as time has gone on, he has more "needs" than he had early on. By needs, I mean that sex isn't satisfying for him unless I've had many, many orgasms (evidently his ex wife could have 30+ per session) and I'm not into the numbers game... and he reserves the right to prolong his orgasms until he's good and ready to have one... and he's never really ready, but at some point (usually an hour to an hour and a half of pleasuring him) I have to say enough is enough and tell him that he'll be on his own if it doesn't happen soon. It's not that he can't orgasm, he just doesn't want to "because it feels so good". By "it" I mean oral or manual stimulation from me... regular penetrative sex doesn't happen often for a number of reasons - mostly medical - on both our parts. He is a very large (overweight) man, (not an issue for me especially since I'm not tiny myself), but he has back issues that preclude most sexual positions and the ones that would work don't work because of body mass. He neglects his health problems which is becoming more of an issue for me because he had promised me that he would work on "getting healthier" but he doesn't.

The other problem I have is that he has a fetish about fantasizing about me having sex with other men... to the point that he wants me to feed his fetish by verbalizing HIS fantasies while we're having sex. I'm open-minded and understand that most people have their fantasies, but it's gotten to the point that I feel like we have no intimacy between just the two of us anymore - there always seems to be at least a third person figuratively in bed with us... and the fact that I've verbalized to him that I don't want to do it and he still pushes the issue every time has gotten me to the point of not wanting to be physically intimate anymore.

He thinks I'm unreasonable because I don't feel that devoting 5-6 hours a day to sex is realistic (he seriously wants 2 hour sessions 2-3 times a day, more on weekends,) and because I feel like he's being disrespectful of me and our relationship with his need to verbalize his fantasies/and or expect me to verbally feed them. At this point, if I could get past the fantasizing thing, I still think that we could have a reasonable sex life having sex 2-3 times a week and a mixture of quickies and reasonable length lovemaking sessions of a half an hour to an hour.

Any suggestions or comments? Is it me? Do we need outside intervention? He just pouts and blames it on my hormones (which it isn't, they've already been checked!) and says he "won't bother me at all" then. HELP!

Spending several hours a day on sex really is a lot - and very unusual. It sounds like you have different sex drives - and yours seems fairly typical. Now I think there is no issue of blame, or who is right or wrong - the question is how you can both be happy. Can you find other things you both enjoy doing together - if you are having sex so often, there must be no time for anything else. I think sex is great and all, but it shouldn't be the only thing.

The fantasy issue is something he needs to be fair about. Occasionally doing some role playing (about a 3rd person) that he fantasizes about is fine, but he should be as willing to do things for you - including non-fantasy romantic lovemaking if that is what you want. This is really a matter of fairness.

In general though it sounds like you want different things in bed. Your wishes are more typical - so I hope he is willing to compromise a bit. Wish I could offer some useful advice.

Sex is his drug of choice...yet he says he doesn't feel "addicted". He claims he craves it because the endorphin rush that comes with the orgasm eases his pain. The odd thing is that from a medical point of view, we've been told by more than one dr that I'm the one that should be in much more pain physically. And if he's right about the endorphins, I would think he wouldn't be purposefully prolonging the orgasms. Sometimes I think his perceptions of things (like sex and food and recreational time in general) are a bit off.

There were many things we enjoyed doing together the first few years, and there are still many great times we share together, but this whole sex thing has become a bigger and bigger issue... and I'm at a loss as to how to "fix" it... which is why I'm here. If there's something I can do to make things better, I'm hoping someone here will be able to provide some insight.

I love sex, love it... I love pleasing my boyfriend all the time. But reading what your dealing with... gave ME a headache. I'm exhausted just READING about what he's trying to have you guys do. Thats just toooo much. Maybe one day a week of him playing with your body for hours on end but every day?? It would be tiresome, boring and perhaps even painful trying to maintain heightened sexual arousal 6 hours a day... he needs a HOBBY, your vagina is NOT a hobby.

He's not treating sex as an expression of pleasure and intimacy, its almost like a second job for you guys... and it does sound like work. Perhaps asking him if you guys can have fantasy time HALF the time you have sex rather than ALL the time... so that he gets his fantasy time... and let you have your own fantasy time too.... even if that is just 'shutting up and making it a quickie' lol.. that could be your FANTASY... and you should be allowed to indulge your own as much as his.

Its all about compromise and you sound like you are the one having to do all the compromosing... not fair. I think its awesome for his age PLUS being out of shape that he always ready to go for more... i know a number of women that would LOVE your problem, but maybe they just THINK they would love your problem..lol.. the real side of it doesn't sound so sexy.

It sounds repetitive, predictable, and LONGGGGG. There is so much more to life that you both could be experiencing with each other. You can be affectionate and flirty and even sexual all day without having to actually be active in the bed for 6 hours... that is just......thats a special event... not an every day thing.

I just wanted to say don't feel like something is wrong with you. I am very sexual and love pleasuring my bf as well as having him pleasure me but if it were 2 hours a pop , 3 times a day I think I would get over that fast. Its kind of like eating alllllll the big bag of halloween candy every single day of the year, and on top of that...you have to eat the candy the same way every time, no mixing up the order... skittles first, snickers second... lather rinse repeat.

Definitely talk to him about how much you appreciate his sexuality, but let him know you need time to stew, time to build anticipation and that you don't really have time to do it with as frequently as you guys play... tell him that you'd also like to keep indulging his fantasy but that you'd like to have your own indulged as well. Partners, meeting half way.

I gotta agree with Hopeless Dork here.

"Your vagina is not a hobby". LOL. I love that. So very true.

Quit pressuring yourself to live up to unreasonable expectations. Perhaps he's someone who has developed an addiction to sex because it makes him "feel good" and other areas of his life don't due to his weight and medical issues. So maybe this one thing, sex, gives him the ego boost, so now he wants to do it over and over and over and over.

Well....you are not on this Earth to be anyones ego cushion. There is nothing wrong with your sex drive simply because it's not the same as his. And usually, when a woman is pushed in that way and treated as a "semen receptacle" she will stop wanting sex as often. So you feel like you're doing a job as opposed enjoying intimate passionate sex with your husband.

Have you told him you don't want to have 30 orgasms and that after 1-2 you're totally satisfied and done? I'm not really sure it was appropriate for him to share how many orgasms his exwife had....sort of like a comparison "well she did so why can't you?!?" thing as a way to make you appear abnormal. Trust me, you sound perfectly normal to me.

I could have written all of your responses, because everything you've said has pretty much come up in our discussions on the matter (even the hobby part!) I just get the sense that no matter what I do, he will feel dissatisfied - which makes me feel inadequate...and yes, I will (and have) admitted that sex in our marriage has become a routine and a bit of a job for me. I love spontaneity and trying new things but his fetishes cause it to end up the same old way every time. In the 6 years we've been together, we've never had a "quickie", and rarely has he achieved an orgasm without ultimately resorting to his fantasies. I just can't give up as much of my day to sex as he wants me to.

This morning, he dropped a bit of a bombshell on me. After waking up and spending an hour with him talking about 4th of July plans (or lack of them because he doesn't want to do anything outdoorsy due to the heat) and cuddling in bed (he hadn't really made any sexual advances until then) he started groping and since I had already told him last night that I had a busy day ahead of me today painting and working on some other projects, I said that I really needed to get up and going soon. He said something to the effect of "we never have sex anymore" and when I said that sometimes just cuddling was fun, he said that intimate cuddling and/or foreplay didn't count as sexual activity, and in fact, unless we BOTH had orgasms, it didn't count as sex.

Guess that explains why he says we rarely if ever have sex since I'm usually satisfied with fewer orgasms. I appears that pleasuring him only (since I'm content with fewer orgasms) doesn't count as sex since it doesn't meet his definition of sex since we're not BOTH having orgasms. I'll admit I was upset by that revelation and the discussion degraded when I suggested that maybe we needed to seek out help to find a common ground since it obviously is an issue. He said he'd go, but not because he felt he had a problem, nor does he feel the need to disclose his sexual preferences to a professional and he doesn't understand anyone who doesn't want to have more orgasms more frequently.

I just feel confused... especially as to what defines sex. I guess my definition is much broader than his - but then I've been in a long term relationship with someone who was ill and due to the illness, our intimacy and sexuality was on a different level. I worry about what could happen in the future as we age, especially with health issues that could make his definition of sex impossible or improbable. I derive a great deal of sexual satisfaction from touching and caressing and kissing...is this abnormal? Does everyone define sexual activity only by the orgasm? I feel like the more I think about it, the more confused I get.

BD made an excellent point about it not really being appropriate him talking about his exes orgasms. Um 30 orgasms a session is not typical. And its quality not quantitity that even matters... I know some women have mulitples but I doubt 30 orgasms a time is common in any way shape or form and some may even question whether or not that lady knew what an orgasm even was? Was she counting individual vag spasms? lol... either way... he's comparing you. How would he like it if you were like well.... my ex could this or that or whatever. Its rude and insensitive and he needs to get over it.

I also agree with this may be some major form of ecapism for him. I mean on the one side at least he is including you in his escape so he's not totally isolating himself. BUT since he's requiring you to play a fantasy for him the entire time.... he sort of still IS in his own little world... you're just reading the soundtrack and essentially feel like a prop.

Could very well be he is suffering some form of depression and is trying to keep his mind off it in the way some people turn to drugs, alcohol, smoking, porn, working overtime etc etc.

As far what his definition of sex is... who gave him all the labeling authority in your relationship. What you consider sex matters equally as much as what he considers sex. His attitude about it all is so : Me, Me, Me. Does he have selfish tendencies outside of the bedroom as well?

Do not let yourself feel inadequate. What he is asking of you isn't reasonable, its just not. And his woe is me, you don't have sex with me any more, feel sorry for me stuff would make more of an impact if you were actually not having sex with him any more. But you still are, whether it meets his standard of definition or not.

He needs to realize that sex is for the both of you, that 30+orgasms are not required nor even wanted for the average woman, yourself included. That you think fantasy and fun is great... but so is variety and that you'd like to change that fantasy up or have none at all sometimes. That you need more time to build up a desire for sex in order for it to be more pleasurable. That the rate you guys are doing it never lets you have time to 'want it' and wanting it is half the fun, the build up, the anticipation... etc.

It sounds like you really love this man, and it sounds like you guys are happy outside of his constant pressure... so hopefully he can learn to compromise and be a bit more sensitive to your needs as well as his own.