Too small or is something wrong?

**HopefulHusband** · 07-05-2010 11:28 PM

My wife and I just got married a couple months ago. She was a virgin but I was not. Now she never used tampons or anything until about a couple months before our wedding and she is very small. She went to the Dr. last week because when we have sex penetration brings her to tears. She tried stretching herself out before the big day and said she could get about 3-4 fingers in, which is about how wide I am. Now when I even touch down there on the outside (around vaginal opening, clitoris feels good) she says it is uncomfortable and 'weird' feeling. A few times we pushed through the pain and she relaxed and said it felt good but after about 15 minutes or so she says that it gets very tired and a little sore feeling, this is all while using copious amounts of lube. For being newly weds I think we both feel like our sex life hasn't shot off like we had imagined it would and a lot of the time I think the thought of the initial pain makes her not want to have sex at all... thus making me not want to have sex because it's just not fun when both of us aren't enjoying it. The Dr. said that she was just really small, which makes sense since she's about 5ft nothing 95lbs soaking wet, and that we should use dilators or better types of lube (gave us samples, not much difference). What I'm worried about is in my research I've constantly run into something called vaginismus and I was wondering if there was a way to tell if she has this and what the best course of action would be. I am extremely patient when it comes to these things but even now I'm starting to worry. We just want to be able to have sex when we feel like it and not have to worry about it hurting, sometimes I think she might just be psyching herself out.
Thank you for your help.

**Hopeless Dork** · 07-06-2010 01:23 AM

If the doctor says she is okay, you might want to get a second opinion, but if he says she's okay physically for intercourse than it might be leaning psychological first... thus creating physical problems second.

How is her arousal? Sometimes, when a woman is not mentally turned on... even tons of lube won't make things pleasurable or get her mind of what she is fearing will be pain.

Does she masturbate? Has she ever had an orgasm? During arousal a woman can accomadate more that she could otherwise... if she is not having that build up of being turned on she might not be getting that swell on the insides that cushions the blows. Also when turned on you have more of a craving for penetration than if you are totally cold.

So lube is good... really good... but I would definitly suggest working on her sexual mood and relaxation as that will be what helps the lube to do its job.

If she can fit 4 fingers... (I can only fit 2... but I can accomadate my bf's rather large penis just fine when I am very aroused) she should be able to physically withstand your penis.

Do you manually stimulate her? Orally? Perhaps you guys can push the focus off penetration for a bit.. and just enjoy each others bodies other ways and let her gain some confidence and explore what feels good to her. Buy some toys smaller than yourself and work your way up to your penis as she gets more and more comfortable.

For me, after losing my virginity... penetrative sex did nothing for me (though masturbation did) for YEARS. I had sexual feelings but just did not appreciate the pleasure a penis could provide for a long long time. Since she is new to sex, perhaps she just needs time to develop the urge and to rid herself of anxieties about it.

**jns** · 07-06-2010 01:27 AM

Does your wife orgasm, such as through clitoral stimulation? Her orgasming before attempting penetration will help get her properly lubed and relaxed.

**Hopeless Dork** · 07-06-2010 01:38 AM

Originally Posted by jns

Does your wife orgasm, such as through clitoral stimulation? Her orgasming before attempting penetration will help get her properly lubed and relaxed.

Totally agree... if she orgasms before penetetration, not only will she have her own natural wetness to add to the lube you guys use... but her muscles will be relaxed, her vagina will have that heightened arousal/post orgasm swell to it that will decrease her discomfort with your penis... and she will just physically have more wiggle room inside in the window of time right after an orgasm.

**HopefulHusband** · 07-06-2010 09:49 AM

Before our wedding she's never had an orgasm or masturbated, her fingers are very skinny so it would be a safe bet to say 4 of her fingers would probably be about the same as 2 for the averaged sized person... and it's more the finger tips, she doesn't get them all all the way in. As far as clitoral stimulation I think she's had an orgasm but I can't really tell 100% and she just doesn't know what it would be like exactly so I can only assume, she gets loud and her legs quiver and she says that it feels good but it's 'too much' and it feels like her body just can't handle it. I think that would be directly after an orgasm, like touching the tip of a penis right after ejaculation can be extremely sensitive, but I'm not sure.
There have been times when we've had sex and it hurt her at first but once I was in the pain faded away unless I pulled all the way out and put it back in.
But anyways this sounds like a good idea and I'll put it to the test to see how it goes compared to normal. Thanks for your help.

**Hopeless Dork** · 07-06-2010 11:12 AM

Yeah... In my opinion it has less to do with her physical size... and just that she hasn't fully came into her own sexuality yet. If you are not experiencing sexual feelings/arousal... it doesn't matter how much lube you use... sex will be uncomfortable at best.

This may take time. She's brand new, new to sex and sexual feelings (especially if she never masturbated in the past, and is not sure what an orgasm is)... I think this is one of those situation where sex toys might actually be a great 'marital aid'... small vibrators that focus on pleasuring her clitoris rather than penetration will help her to discover what an orgasm is without a doubt. Thats something you guys can explore together and I think it would also be to your benefit it to encourage her to indulge herself without your presense as well.

You've probably masturbated in your past, have a good sense of what feels good to your body, what it takes for you to orgasm etc... and it sounds like she has not yet discovered that.

Help create sensual environments for her, sexy foods, hot baths, full body massages, maybe reading each other erotic stories, or watching a steamy movie (not necessarily hard core porn or something like that, just some sensual flick).

Encourage communication without judgement.... like asking her to tell you when something feels good, does nothing, or feels bad, without ever becoming upset if she's not feeling what you hope would be the desired result.

Patience, understanding, and making it more fun and a way to be close... than a task and a chore will keep her way more relaxed and in the mood to explore this.

No one wants to feel like a freak. I'm sure she has some mixed feelings on sexuality based on the fact she hasn't masturbated in the past, etc.. Perhaps she had feelings that sex wasn't something good girls enjoyed, etc... who knows, there are all kinds of reasons a person wouldn't masturbate -- but I think time and making her feel like everything she's going through is normal are your best bests for helping her to start enjoying a healthy sex life in your marriage.

**pretzel** · 07-06-2010 11:24 AM

I think HD has hit it squarely on the head here. She is for the most part a novice. She's not sure what pleases her and at the same time wants to make sure that she's making you happy and as a result, neither of you are satisfied.

I know this may sound unrealistic, but focus on her totally. But at the same time she needs to understand that and that there's nothing wrong with this. This may mean that for a little while intercourse may not always happen. That shouldn't mean that the experience shouldn't be fulfilling and fun. It's just a different way to make love.

**PJhavinfunagain** · 07-06-2010 02:39 PM

HD has excellent advice! Relax and Explore each other. Just bask in her sexuality. She also needs to WANT this. I remember when I was new to sex I enjoyed it but would also get overwhelmed by the feelings. Now I know I was close to orgasm but could not fully let go. Many women need to learn this.

**HopefulHusband** · 07-09-2010 12:40 AM

Well just to keep the post up to date, and incase anyone else may have a problem similar to this... I took some of the advice and we tried the orgasm first method but it was not successful. As soon as she climaxed once I tried a finger before really stretching it. My finger isn't too big, this I know, but it still hurt her bad enough to make tears come to her eyes. I looked around down there and she has what seems to be a lump of extra tissue, I really dont know how else to explain it, like tissue that normally covers the opening, remnants of a hymen possibly? but its not just a flat tissue, its like a clump with folds. Its not lips or anything like that and when shes just relaxed it looks like a little shell covering her opening. Well anyways, sorry for the bad description, when I put my finger in about up to the first knuckle if I press straight up there's the bump. I can move my finger to the sides of the bump and that's where she says it hurts. I'm a bio major and a guy so i've seen vaginas a-plenty and I've never seen anything like this in anatomy text books or with partners I've had in the past. We scheduled another doctors appointment to get a second opinion. The first one was 4 years out of med school and a guy, this one has been practicing for ~20 years and is female so hopefully will be more sensitive to issues such as this. Thanks for your help and suggestions. I'll post back with updates because, like I said, if anyone else has an issue like this maybe reading here will help them figure it out.

**Hopeless Dork** · 07-09-2010 05:51 AM

Is it possible that she could have a prolapsed bladder? That is the only thing I can think of that would dangle into the vagina? She should definately be seeing a gyno asap either way.