Thread: my wife won't touch herself for me

I have been married to my wife for almost 10 years now. We have a great sex life and I love her very much. However, in the time we have known each other I have tried to get her to touch herself for me on a number of occasions and she won't do it. Apparently it goes back to a guy she dated. They did this and he really screwed her over in the end. She says it brings back bad memories. My issue is that this happens to be by far my biggest turn on and the more time goes by the more I feel cheated. It hurts that she was willing to do it with some short term boyfriend but won't with her husband and it hurts that I will spend my entire life not getting to act out my most dominant sexual fantasy because of some jerk she dated years ago.

Am I an to feel this way?
Are most women embarresed to do this? My experience prior to my wife was that most were not if you were in a solid relationship.
How many women here would also refuse this to their husband?

I oopsed and put a no no word in. The first question should be - Am I a jerk to feel this way?

I am sorry for your situation. I think this is a common mistake people make in relationships. It's a case of too much information. If you want to deny your loved one something... never make it because of something someone ELSE did... as it evokes nothing but resentment and feelings of why them and not me?

Like the guys that say, sorry... I have trouble giving my heart because the last girl stomped on it. Its pretty much the same thing. Its hurtful to know that an ex has so much of an impact.. that the one you love is letting it affect how they handle decisions they make with you.

It could be she had a bad experience with an ex, it could be a coppout for something she just genuinly does not want to do. It could be that she is just embarassed of masturbation in general and has problems with doing it alone even. It could very well be that an ex made her feel ashamed about something she did, maybe made fun of her... or expressed disninterest in what she did and so she has a hang up about it.

I'm guessing that this fantasy is more pronounced since its being denied. Sometimes its easier to focus on what a lover WON'T do... than what they will.. even if the will list outweighs the won't list tremendously. Not to mention being equipt with the knowledge that she has let her gaurd down and done this before... it would be hard to not feel resentful of that.

If you keep pushing for it vocally... she will keep pushing away from it as a matter of principle... "I said no, and you won't leave me alone about it, fine I'll never do it now" type tug of war that will benefit neither of you.

While being intimate in a non sexual way with her, like holding each other after sex... etc.. open up a communication about it casually. See if she will be open to talking about what the bad experience was, what happened that made her feel bad... to be able to see if there are things you can calm her fears about. Then let it go and don't push the issue for a while.

If you bring it up constantly it will just be an annoyance and she will feel badgered and that does not make someone feel sexual and adventerous... at all. Don't talk about exes that would do it for you, or other women that would do it for you with no problems... it will breed even more contempt for the act. Like fine, why should I do it for you too, its not even that special.

Make sure you always make her feel sexy, beautiful and wanted even when not in the bedroom. That is the true recipe for a woman to become more open and giving sexually.

If she's shy about it... perhaps you can suggest making a game of it at first... wherein she touches herself under a blanket and you can't peek under the blanket.. and then from there... touching herself while you are under the blanket with her but still... no direct peeking, just being next to her.. so that she can build up a comfort level.

My boyfriend is the first guy I ever masturbated in front of and I feel so comfortable and confident doing it... he never suggested it, I just did it.. and his reaction turned me on and so its on the menu of things we do together.

The most important thing is respecting her bounderies, not making her feel like a freak for being uncomfortable with something. Being understanding... not stomping your feet, kicking dirt and demanding it like a kid wanting a candybar from the check out line -- not saying that is what you are doing, I'm just saying sometimes repeated requests for something in a manner that seems whiny can turn a person off doing something even more than it would have otherwise.

I appreciate the input. We have talked about the bad experience and I won't share it here as it is personal, but it has nothing to do with this. Basically he really screwed her over bad and she associates this act with him. She does seem a little embarassed when we talk about masterbation in general, but she has indirectly indicated that she has and does masterbate.