Huge argument about sex.

**BasketCase** · 07-10-2010 05:24 PM

I wasn't sure wether this belonged in sex or relationship so mod's set me strait if it needs to be moved. Ma and my boyfriend of almost two years have been fighting alot about sex.

We fuss because I come on to him a lot and he refuses 90% percent of the time. With excuses like I have a headache or "i'm not in the mood". We have sex about 3 times a month maybe. And if I bring it he always gets defensive and angry so I drop it. This really hurts me. I can't figure out why. He is a perfectly healthy 23 year old (i just turned 21). Well a couple of weeks ago we got into a huge fight about it and a lot of mean and hurtful things were said. He said "your not happy unless were having sex" (what he really said was a bit more vulgor but i won't say it). This hurt me so much. Were happy in all other aspects of the relationship except this one. Since then I haven't been able to propasition him for sex at all. He apologized and said that he really didn't mean it and only said it because he was angry. Needless to say we haven't had sex since then and I have found myself with no desire to have sex with him at all. I feel like I spent months trying and it all just came back in my face at the end. I really don't know how to go from here. I really don't want to be in a sexless relationship. But I really do love him and he really is a great guy and I don't want to break up over something like this. Everytime I attempt to talk to him about it it ends ith bitter words. So I have given up on that too. Am I doomed to a sexless relationship. Please help me with this. I have tried everthing such as buying sexy outfits, talking about it, everthing I know to do. Nothings worked.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-10-2010 05:52 PM

Have you asked him what sex means to him?

Have you told him, it's not sex that your after ,but intimacy?

Is he intimate in other ways, affectionate, looks at you with adoration?

CW

**jns** · 07-10-2010 06:08 PM

Did your bf and you ever have a sex life that included sex at least, say 3 times a week?

**rcoreyus** · 07-10-2010 09:15 PM

I'm very sorry to hear this. There are a lot of thread here from people who want a very different amount of sex than their partners (of both genders). Most healthy loving couples your age would enjoy having sex several times a week or more - so he is the one who is unusual.

He might not change - so you need to think about how important sex is to you. This is a very important decision.

I'm in a similar situation - my wife almost never wants sex. As the years have gone by, I often wonder if I made the right choice marrying her. Our lives are excellent in other ways - but I find myself often (quietly) angry and resentful that I have never had a normal sex life.

**WildChild** · 07-10-2010 11:03 PM

I've been doing some thinking and changing and one thing that has impacted me is considering when I reach the end of my time in this life cycle what my regrets might be. I realized that it was entirely possible that I would be regretting not having had a relationship where I was free to love, be loving and to be and feel loved. While other people I know wish they had a new car or furniture or could travel, I wish for passion and true connection.

You are much too young to be looking at choosing to live a life lacking intimacy and sexual joy. This man maybe wonderful in some ways but it doesn't sound like he is the one for you. Better to lovingly make him a freind and set him free to find a partner with a low sex interest so you are free to find one who is a better match for you. Speaking as a much older woman who has a lifetime in and out of relationships with men who's interest in sex and drive and passion for life never matched my own (some faked it pretty good at first but could never maintain it) this is sorry way to live and you won't be able to make it work for long. You'll both end up unhappy.

Don't settle. It's never really worth it, not over a lifetime.

**BasketCase** · 07-11-2010 01:42 AM

CW

Have you asked him what sex means to him? He says it's not important at all

Have you told him, it's not sex that your after ,but intimacy? Yes over and over

Is he intimate in other ways, affectionate, looks at you with adoration? Yes

**BasketCase** · 07-11-2010 01:45 AM

The problem is I have a very high sex drive. And with the lack of sex I find myself fantasizing a lot. I always feel guilty about it though. There's a new guy I work with who is so cute and I find myself staring at him and thinking things. Which I know is not a problem as long as I don't touch but I would be hurt if he was thinking about someone esle. So I feel guily. And it's causing me to stress.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-11-2010 02:10 AM

Originally Posted by BasketCase

CW

Have you asked him what sex means to him? He says it's not important at all

Have you told him, it's not sex that your after ,but intimacy? Yes over and over

Is he intimate in other ways, affectionate, looks at you with adoration? Yes

Mmmm... Okay, so he is intimate, affectionate, looks at you with adoration.. So that must mean he loves you.

He's happy with basically once a week... your not...

Fantasys are okay... It's not the guy your fantasising about it's the sex you so need, desire, want as that is who you are.

The biggest problem we face in life is compatibility in most ways, which includes sex, includes feeling loved..

Maybe if you do a list and show him how wonderful your relationship is.. The things you love about him, the things you have in common, the way he looks at you, things he does for you, the way you laugh together, etc, etc, etc, ....

And, then say to him, all those things make you feel loved... wanted... needed... but sex, makes you feel smitten, desired, girly, a woman, and only he can give that to you... Then ask, compromise, and hand him a list of all the things you compromise with, with him... let him see in-other-words, how wonderful he is, but how he neglects and forgets, some important things, a little guilt thing

The problem without compromise, is the ending eventually.

CW

**jns** · 07-11-2010 08:34 AM

BC, somewhere underlying everything, is the answer to why he doesn't want sex more. Maybe he is afraid of getting you pregnant, maybe he is scared of true intimacy, maybe he is scared of everything leading to marriage, maybe he is afraid of destroying your relationship, maybe something else such as religion. I suppose it is possible that he really doesn't like sex, but that would be unusual, especially at his age.

I don't see it as you having an overactive sex drive. Something is missing from this relationship. I like WildChild's analysis on this. Passion in a relationship should include the intimacy and giving what you can, even to the point of it being more than you would give otherwise.

**Hopeless Dork** · 07-11-2010 10:01 AM

3 times a month is not anywhere near a relfection of the drive to release a healthy 23 year old guy has. Do you know if he is getting those needs met through masturbation? Seems he would desire and feel the need to orgasm more times per week than he is desiring sex with you. And that is a COMMON problem among many young men in relationships, they see their drive for sex as something different than their drive to masturbate and don't put 2 and 2 together than if they backed off on themself they could turn those needs toward their partner for intimacy centered sexual releases.

Is your timing as a couple off? Perhaps he is more sex driven late at night and you in the morning or vice versa? Perhaps opening up a line of communication on his physical needs to orgasm... and how often he feels that VS how often he has the desire to have sex with you.

Sometimes, guys see that release thing as something similiar to brushing their teeth, just part of their daily routine and walk around feeling like the reason they don't desire much sex with their s.o. is due to lack of drive... they have this idea that they should want sex despite the fact they have self satisfied and don't mean to be selfish... just aren't trully making the connection.

Not saying that is whats going on here... but apart from a serious medical condition, or medications etc... it would be really odd for a healthy 23 year old male to only desire to orgasm 3 times per month.