Vaginismus slowing down our sex life

**holetoledo** · 07-14-2010 07:12 PM

I feel so bad.. Because my boyfriend hates that I have to be in pain and he doesn't want to initiate sex anymore. Meanwhile this is making me feel insecure even though he tells me that he wants it to be on my terms. I can see him getting frustrated with the situation every time I start crying in bed. I just want to get a handle on that darn PC muscle. It's mine! So how is it that I can't control it? My muscles tense up during anal sex, too. I just wish I didn't feel so rushed, but I think it's me who's rushing myself.. I do Kegel muscles every second I can but it doesn't seem to be working. I don't want to be afraid of sex, no matter who I'm with.

**Mes T** · 07-14-2010 07:25 PM

Is your vaginismus completely a reflex thing, like blinking of the eye, or do you consciously tense up? I mean I know you said you can't control it, but do you psychologically tense up and then body follows? That's important...

If it's an uncontrolled reflex, then I just happened upon a small study done where the area was treated with botox, resulting in great success. Botox can be used for quite a few things other than treating wrinkles, so I'm not too surprised about that.

**holetoledo** · 07-14-2010 08:13 PM

Originally Posted by Mes_T

Is your vaginismus completely a reflex thing, like blinking of the eye, or do you consciously tense up? I mean I know you said you can't control it, but do you psychologically tense up and then body follows? That's important...

If it's an uncontrolled reflex, then I just happened upon a small study done where the area was treated with botox, resulting in great success. Botox can be used for quite a few things other than treating wrinkles, so I'm not too surprised about that.

It's completely a reflex thing, it seems... Which is very strange to me because when I lost my virginity, that reflex didn't kick in at all. I guess it depends on the "mood" I'm in during sex. I suffer from anxiety so every inch of me is tense all the time. But the thing is my boyfriend isn't really a romantic guy.. And I don't even find the act of sex to be too much of a "romantic" act (we're not very sappy), just another benefit from being in a relationship. I mean to say that I don't find sex to be that important but when we do want to have it, there's that ring of muscle impeding us... Blah.

**Mes T** · 07-14-2010 08:15 PM

What about tampons and pelvic exams at the gyno, do you have trouble with those too? What about inserting your own finger?

**holetoledo** · 07-14-2010 08:22 PM

My finger's okay and tampons too. my gyno can't even get in there though

**Mes T** · 07-14-2010 08:28 PM

Okay. Well Obviously I'm no expert but I'm led to believe that your vaginismus is psychological, since with physical vaginismus (so it seems from my brief research) a person can't even use tampons, nada, zip, total no-entry zone.

Do you take medication for your anxiety? Is it possible to trace your anxiety to be caused by something specific in life, like work, school, people... Something that, once identified, you could remedy?

Has sex ever been a pleasurable act for you? From your post it seems like sex is just a "ahhhh heck... may as well... cuz isn't this what couples do?" kind of thing, almost like a chore, not really something that you dream or fantasize about and can't wait to do with your man. Do you masturbate? Does your boyfriend know how to bring you to orgasm?

Since you said that the first time you had sex, you didn't have this problem, I wonder if you started tightening up because you were disappointed with the act the first time around and just didn't want to do it anymore.

Sorry for all my questions! Wish I could provide you with a couch to lounge on as I scribble in my notebook. Teehee.

**holetoledo** · 07-14-2010 08:38 PM

Originally Posted by Mes_T

Okay. Well Obviously I'm no expert but I'm led to believe that your vaginismus is psychological, since with physical vaginismus (so it seems from my brief research) a person can't even use tampons, nada, zip, total no-entry zone.

Do you take medication for your anxiety? Is it possible to trace your anxiety to be caused by something specific in life, like work, school, people... Something that, once identified, you could remedy?

Has sex ever been a pleasurable act for you? From your post it seems like sex is just a "ahhhh heck... may as well... cuz isn't this what couples do?" kind of thing, almost like a chore, not really something that you dream or fantasize about and can't wait to do with your man. Do you masturbate? Does your boyfriend know how to bring you to orgasm?

Since you said that the first time you had sex, you didn't have this problem, I wonder if you started tightening up because you were disappointed with the act the first time around and just didn't want to do it anymore.

Sorry for all my questions! Wish I could provide you with a couch to lounge on as I scribble in my notebook. Teehee.

I take Xanax occasionally (but I haven't taken it in months) when I get panic attacks but I am almost always tense. I take Lexapro but I'm weaning off of that. I'm really not good with people, at least just acquaintances, so that's when my anxiety tends to blow up. Or if I find that I have a reason to be nervous, like meeting new people (especially my boyfriend's family) or talking in front of a class. I don't know if it really stems from this but I was verbally and sexually harassed by my cousin until I was maybe 14 or 15.. I don't remember when it started nor would I like to.

Hmm. When we first started doing the preliminary stuff (as in foreplay), I would get kind of nervous but not say anything when something was too uncomfortable for me, like if something hurt. I don't know why I do that. That happens when I get a panic attack, too, I become pretty much mute. I just don't say anything. It'll upset my boyfriend if I start crying during sex (who wouldn't? right?) and he even had me pick a safe word but it's hard for me to even say that. Self-sex is good, though, I was never ashamed about masturbating. That's something I do in healthy amounts lol. And yes, my boyfriend can bring me to orgasm most of the time. I don't want to put all of that burden on him, though, because really it depends on my mood/state of mind to orgasm.