Help! I don't know what to do!!!!! My husband has a low low low sex drive!!!!!!!

**jamiev8277** · 07-23-2010 11:57 AM

Hi everyone,

I hope you can help me, I don't know what to do!!!
My husband and I have been married for 11 years, I am 28 and he is 31. When we first started dating our sex life was great, we made love all the time and it was wonderful. During the last 2 or so years its almost as if I have to beg him to have sex with me, and then he starts arguements with me about 80 percent of the time. The other night he said he was going to sleep for 2 hrs and to wake him up. So I did and instead of him waking up like he said he would, he started cussing me and calling me selfish. Then he kept saying "what is wrong with you?" How could you wake me up to think about your selfish needs?

This happens so many times, all the romance and passion has left our marriage and I feel so insecure about my body and that maybe something is wrong with me, I thought guys had high sex drives!?!
I am not ugly or anything but he sure makes me feel that way! especially since we just had a baby 3 months ago.
Everytime I try to initaite sex he turns me down, he always always has some kind of excuse...
I'm tired
I need a shower
I have cramps
I have a headache
and anything you can think of I have heard it!!!!!!

It is getting sooooo old! I even told him all he has to do is lay there and I will do all the work if he is too tired!
I am so depressed and I don't know what to do!
He said he has low testestorone but he wont talk to his dr about it.
I made a vow infront of God and I don't want to divorce him over this, I do love him very much!
But what is a marriage without sex? I need the passion and closeness!
When we do have sex its over so fast and he does not ever do any kind of fore play!!! He wont even touch me! Its always the same routine! I go down on him, we then have sex for 10 or so minutes, then its over. I guess thats a different thread though!
anyone have any advice? What can I do to save my marriage and my sex life?
thanks in advance

**PandaPaws** · 07-23-2010 12:13 PM

Is he having issues with his hormones? It could be a case of low testosterone. Have him go see a urologist - hopefully he is willing. I agree that sex is important in a marriage, and regardless, it's important to YOU, and he is your husband, so he should want to make you happy. You going down on him and then quick sex, that's not okay, because you are not satisfied with that. You want passion, touching, kissing, etc. If you're both willing to go to a counselor, that would be another option. I really would see if it's medical first though. It is very possible that at 31 his testosterone is starting to get low.

**rhiannon34** · 07-23-2010 01:04 PM

You need to sit him down, take him out to dinner, whatever, as long as you have his undivided attention, and tell him everything you just said in that post. Then it's up to him as well to help save your marriage. If he is going to be absolutely unwilling to do anything to change, then you did all you could do. I personally do not believe God wants you to be miserable just because your husband is selfish.

**StillLearnin** · 07-23-2010 01:49 PM

*edit*
express your concerns to him, and give him a chance to make some changes.
Keep us posted.

**jns** · 07-23-2010 08:19 PM

Is he completely sexless or does he still masturbate? Does he have any trouble getting hard? Does he have a high-stress job? Is he having an affair? Has he became more religious?

**Thomas Hepburn** · 07-24-2010 01:54 AM

Could it possibly be because he's suffering from "trauma" after the birth of your child? Did he watch the birth? Sometimes us guys have great difficulty changing our perception of our spouses once they give birth. Suddenly, instead of the vagina being the holy grail, it's a functional part that gives us the children we want. I was at the birth of both my children and I know what women go through and respect for them for this. It sounds silly, but to us guys it could be an issue separating the mum from the lover. x

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-24-2010 03:56 AM

During the last 2 or so years its almost as if I have to beg him to have sex with me, and then he starts arguements with me about 80 percent of the time

I am not ugly or anything but he sure makes me feel that way! especially since we just had a baby 3 months ago.

Don't think so the maths doesn't add up.

You know we are all "people".. Our sex life intially is very sexual, chemistry.

Your saying 2 years, baby 3 months ago, 9 to have it, 12 months.

Part of what the above poster stated, may be correct, is he passionate with his baby? Is he glad that he has a child?

Did he feel that he wasn't ready, and is resenting you?

But, having said that, you said, 1 year before you even got pregnant... So, you've remained healthy, sexual and he's lost it.

He says testestrones... but the spark has left somewhat.. not on your side, but his.

So look further into this, how is the financials, how is the friendship, the laughter, the togetherness.... Is he coming home as usual, or is he staying at work longer, or out with friends longer.

Please tell us a bit more.

CW

**jamiev8277** · 07-24-2010 08:27 AM

Originally Posted by jamiev8277

Hi everyone,

I hope you can help me, I don't know what to do!!!
My husband and I have been married for 11 years, I am 28 and he is 31. When we first started dating our sex life was great, we made love all the time and it was wonderful. During the last 2 or so years its almost as if I have to beg him to have sex with me, and then he starts arguements with me about 80 percent of the time. The other night he said he was going to sleep for 2 hrs and to wake him up. So I did and instead of him waking up like he said he would, he started cussing me and calling me selfish. Then he kept saying "what is wrong with you?" How could you wake me up to think about your selfish needs?

This happens so many times, all the romance and passion has left our marriage and I feel so insecure about my body and that maybe something is wrong with me, I thought guys had high sex drives!?!
I am not ugly or anything but he sure makes me feel that way! especially since we just had a baby 3 months ago.
Everytime I try to initaite sex he turns me down, he always always has some kind of excuse...
I'm tired
I need a shower
I have cramps
I have a headache
and anything you can think of I have heard it!!!!!!

It is getting sooooo old! I even told him all he has to do is lay there and I will do all the work if he is too tired!
I am so depressed and I don't know what to do!
He said he has low testestorone but he wont talk to his dr about it.
I made a vow infront of God and I don't want to divorce him over this, I do love him very much!
But what is a marriage without sex? I need the passion and closeness!
When we do have sex its over so fast and he does not ever do any kind of fore play!!! He wont even touch me! Its always the same routine! I go down on him, we then have sex for 10 or so minutes, then its over. I guess thats a different thread though!
anyone have any advice? What can I do to save my marriage and my sex life?
thanks in advance

Answers to some of your questions:

No, he doesn't resent me for having our child, it is actually our 3rd child (and last) and he loves her very much, he is very happy to have a little girl. We also have 2 boys.
I made him stay up at my head with all births of our children because I didn't want to tramatize him.

He is always home so I know for a fact he isn't cheating on me, he is an engineer and works from home a lot of the time, he never goes out with friends, he never even goes to the store without me. I try to get him out of the house and to hang out with the boys, but he says he would rather spend time with me and the kids.

There has been no big changes in his life as far as stress, religion, ect. Our finances are fine, we live very very comfortable and make great $ so thats not it.

We get a long good, for the most part, we hold hands, laugh, say we love eachother, we don't fight about anything but silly things like what to watch on tv, what to do for the day.

He doesn't have a sex drive at all, and i don't think he even masterbates!
I mean, we do have sex every once in a while, like 2 times every 2 wks or so. Thats how I was able to conceive. But if it was up to me we would have sex every day or twice a day, and if I try to intiate it by trying to put my hand near his thing, he normally smacks it away. LITERALLY! You have no idea how humilating that is! I feel so rejected by him ALL the time! I feel like if I would try to intiate sex by going down on him, he would throw me off him.

***Thank you everyone for all the advice, it was all great! I am glad to hear that there is actually a problem and its not all in my head! ***

**jns** · 07-24-2010 11:39 AM

To me it sounds like he is depressed. Sometimes people can be good on putting on a face, but it doesn't reflect what is going on behind the scenes. 2 years is back to when the current economic problems really started to take hold. Exactly what engineering does he do? Maybe the economy is making him worried about his job and the stability of it.

Were all of the decisions to have each of the children made jointly? If so, on the third one did he and you have sex more often than the average you gave, trying to have it when you were most fertile by charting your cycles? I'm an engineer also and this is what I would do. Engineers love numbers.

Who handles the finances in the family? If he does, are you sure that they are going fine? It seems as if he doesn't want to waste money.

Depression and financial problems are many times emasculating.

Does he get his way on all of the disagreements? On some of them? On almost none of them?

Does he seem distracted when playing with the children, like he has something else he has to do?

Does he have set office hours when he works from home?

Thank you for your replies. They help in trying to see the whole picture.

**jamiev8277** · 07-24-2010 04:18 PM

Originally Posted by jns

To me it sounds like he is depressed. Sometimes people can be good on putting on a face, but it doesn't reflect what is going on behind the scenes. 2 years is back to when the current economic problems really started to take hold. Exactly what engineering does he do? Maybe the economy is making him worried about his job and the stability of it.

Were all of the decisions to have each of the children made jointly? If so, on the third one did he and you have sex more often than the average you gave, trying to have it when you were most fertile by charting your cycles? I'm an engineer also and this is what I would do. Engineers love numbers.

Who handles the finances in the family? If he does, are you sure that they are going fine? It seems as if he doesn't want to waste money.

Depression and financial problems are many times emasculating.

Does he get his way on all of the disagreements? On some of them? On almost none of them?

Does he seem distracted when playing with the children, like he has something else he has to do?

Does he have set office hours when he works from home?

Thank you for your replies. They help in trying to see the whole picture.

* he is a design engineer for a cable company, He always gets his way on disagreements because I let him, He works 8-4 mon thru fri and tries to stick to that schedule whether he is home or not, he handles the finances (I am a stay at home mom) and the last baby was an accident, so I didn't chart anything she just happened. I think I got most of your questions, let me know if I missed any. Thank you, any advice helps!*