No foreplay and getting frustrated. Advice?

**Mellybelly_99** · 07-25-2010 07:53 AM

Hello All

I'm so confused and thought I'd reach out for some feedback/advice. I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months now and love him deeply. Outside of the bedroom we are best friends and enjoy each others company more than I've ever experienced. He would do anything for me, is affectionate and kind and we are attached at the hip.
But, things are not good as far as intimacy goes. I am very open sexually and to me personally sex/making love is very important in a relationship. In the beginning, I somewhat understood the kind of awkwardness a new relationship brings so I really wasn't alarmed when there was no eye contact, foreplay, etc... After a couple of months of things not changing, I decided that although it would be a bit uncomfortable I should talk to him about it. He became angry and very defensive and the response I got was "that's just the way I am and there's no other explanation I can give you". I tried explaining how it is important for me to feel desired and touched but he couldn't seem to understand. He was quite promiscuous in his past so I was feeling a bit rejected by this point. I know things have happened in his past and he's been hurt but he knows he has my support and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make this relationship work. I have approached him on numerous occasions to talk about this same subject. I gently tell him what I need in the bedroom (touch me here or kiss me there). At least now he doesn't get angry or defensive but he gets hurt by what I am saying and feels inadequate. He ejaculates quite quickly once we have sex so again - this is why the foreplay is so important to me. I don't mind him not lasting in the bedroom as long as I get some attention beforehand. When I say there is no foreplay, I am not kidding......there's no kissing, no real touching, no oral sex, etc.... To be completely blunt, he has not even had one of my breasts in his mouth. I am quite attractive and am trying not to take this personally but am now getting at that point. I am not a cheater but as a woman, I need to be fulfilled and don't know what to do. I really don't want this relationship to end but also don't feel I should sell myself short in what it is I need out of a partner. He also seems to be the one that wants to initiate sex. If I try, I always seem to be rejected. He always has to be the one to start it. Just today I was feeling sexual and asked him to come take a shower with me. He wanted no part of it. He said he was tired. I feel as though roles are reversed and now I think I am finally understanding how men feel when they are constantly rejected by their women. After we have sex, I sometimes get so frustrated that I will get angry with him and go sleep on the couch. I always feel embarrassed by it the next morning and feel as though he probably thinks I'm some raving sex maniac! I love him so much and am more attracted to him than I've ever been with anyone else. This is what is making this whole thing so hard!
So, I'm at a loss here....do I give up or keep on going and hope that something will eventually change? Should I dare suggest counseling or it still too early in our relationship seeing as how we've only been together 7 months? Help?

**jns** · 07-25-2010 08:59 AM

Possibly he has had circumstances in the past where he has not been able to perform, so he has devised a formula or algorithm that always works and he is sticking by it to get himself to climax. This is very selfish on his part. In addition, he may be feeling that he is going to fail in pleasing you and doesn't want that, so he doesn't start. Is he good for only one time? Can he do the foreplay after the first time and before a follow-up? I know it isn't ideal as you are not ready for the first one, but maybe it would be a start. Do you two ever just fool around, not necessarily expecting to have sex, but just exploring each others bodies? How far does that go?

**Mellybelly_99** · 07-25-2010 09:25 AM

Thanks so much for responding

That is what I had originally thought so I didn't want to put any pressure on him. What I would do was when I knew we were going to have sex I would tell him to wait. I would then masturbate until I climaxed then we would have sex. This worked for the first little while but now that just doesn't work for me anymore. I still need to him at least kiss me or fondle me while I do that or even a bit of foreplay beforehand. I just can't get aroused anymore by him just watching. I know he enjoys it but I just don't anymore.
Yes, unfortunately he is only good for one time which is why I get mad and end up sleeping on the couch after sex because it angers me to watch him fall asleep while I am still aroused.
We never just fool around - I wish we would because at least I would feel desired. It took me years to become comfortable in the bedroom the way I am now and I'm at the point that I am starting to feel self conscious around him because he doesn't seem to take an interest in exploring my body the way I explore his. I'm not used to not being desired by my partner and the feeling of rejection is becoming a bit too much to bear. He has recently suggested moving in together and I simply can't. I also feel a bit embarrassed over the fact that the only reason I can give him is that our sex life is not good. It sometimes makes me feel as though maybe there's something wrong with me and my sex drive/desire is too high? Maybe I just want too much

**jns** · 07-25-2010 09:55 AM

I wonder if he is seeing you as a mommy figure.

No, you do not want too much. How old are you two and how often do you have sex? Is he into anything else that would sexually satisfy him?

**Mellybelly_99** · 07-25-2010 10:25 AM

Omg - I had never really thought of that and hope that's not the case. I am 33 and he is 30. I take pride in how I look and when we first met he thought I was younger than him. I do have an 11 year old son......perhaps it is a mommy thing. He had always dated younger girls and constantly talks about how he is so happy he met me because there is no games and we have so much more in common and he finally has a normal relationship like he's always wanted. I've often been told by his friends how much he praises me and they've never seen him this happy before. He openly expresses his love for me and has no issues saying it in front of others. He has never asked anyone to move in with him before and he keeps telling me he wants to build a life with me. That being said, I'm a very independent woman with a solid career....perhaps it's an intimidation issue?
I don't really know if there is anything else that would sexually satisfy him but I have asked numerous times in the past. He just keeps saying he's happy and couldn't ask for anything more.
We currently have sex about 3 times/week but I often feel that it is because he knows I will get upset if we don't. I just don't feel that he's into it like most men are. He's happiest when we just cuddle on the couch and talk or watch a movie.

**WildChild** · 07-25-2010 05:25 PM

You aren't alone. Aside from PE and the shortness of the relationship, this sounds very much like what I've been dealing with. We had an amazing relationship at first, the sex was incredible and we got on amazingly and he couldn't handle it and backed off. All at once it was no kissing, no foreplay, no fun. He was pull back and then come a bit closer and pull back again. It all rather reminded me of an abused animal. If I got really blunt about it he would snap; all teeth and growls.

I don't know what you can do. He is the one with the problem. Your problem is that you love what he could be and he just isn't there. YOU can't change him, that's up to him. If he decides that he needs to then he will start to what he needs to. Nothing will change until he is open to it.

**Allie602** · 07-25-2010 09:02 PM

There is nothing wrong with you, men would kill to have a gf like you!! This is a paradox inside of a contradiction. He says he loves you, he has sexual issues, he knows you are not happy about sex with him, he has no apparent intension of changing and yet he wants you to move in with him. This is confusing. Can it be sorted out I wonder

Do you know any details about his past, family, childhood, relationships with women and men. Does he have any close male friends? You said he was promiscuous, did he have short term relationships because of his PE and not because he did not want to commit. Has he had any long term relationships how long and how did they end. What was the nature of the bad experiences that you mentioned?Is there a possibility that he was sexually abused or emotionally abused by a parent or some adult? If you don't know the answer to these questions then you really don't know him and you can't help him if you don't know him.

Have you considered that he may be asexual or have a low libido and the promiscuity may have been a cover. Strangely though he really sounds ideal, except for sex and I think that's what is trowing you and clouding the issue. I think you are confused because there is something missing from this pic. Something major that he has not told you about. Don't be insulted but have you considered that he may he be running away from homosexual or bi-sexual tendencies. Anyway, you don't have nearly enough info to move in with him or to move too quickly along with the relat. Hold off, what's the hurry big hurry, investigate more, he might not be what you think he is.

Looking into the future, what do you see? Remember you cannot change him. Do you think your love will endure if he is not interested in working on his issues? If the relationship goes sexless will that be ok. If you find out later in the relat. that he is running away from some sexual or psychological issue that he did not tell you about, will you be able to weather that or resent him for not telling you. You may love him but you are not happy.