man needs help regarding girlfriends masturbation

**dr.psyche** · 08-06-2010 02:39 AM

Me and my girlfriend moved together a year ago.

Some time after we moved together, i realized that she felt pressured to have sex because she perceived me as always wanting it. This naturally built up a certain resistance in her - but we've worked it out pretty good I would say. After gradually getting to know each other a little better, the flow and rhythm of sex feels good and natural, probably 2-5 times a week. At 2 times a week, i admit i get restless.

She's been open about sex, and that she've always masturbated alot. She can tell me about it, where she does it (at work f.instance), and she even told me that she had watched porn at work the other day... Now that was both unsettling and a turn on at the same time. Then i accidentally found out she'd been surfing for porn on my computer... She's a real newbie regarding internet (we're almost 40) and does not even think of erasing her tracks. So when I start to type youtu, youporn pops up in IE adressbar. I told her (in a nice way) about youporn on my computer, and she got a little embaressed (so would I), and said that kinda porn wasnt for her. But she still got turned on by it. If there had been porn the way she'd liked it, she said she might have even watched it a little too much. I've seen my share of porn in life - and I know it can be a turn on.

So this is what is bothering me; I sometimes get the impression that she wants even less sex. Maybe even once a week. At the same time it is quite obvious that she masturbates daily, sometimes more. When she has the time, like a day off, sex obviously occupies her for some time (porn and masturbation). And I am having some problems knowing how to deal with this.

There are additional issues here which complicate things;

* when we met, she was exhausted from having responsibility for 2 children alone with no family (in this town). She was, and I would say still is to some degree, very sensitive to any kind of perceived pressure, expectations etc.

* she's not a very good talker and I usually only find out much later what she thinks I expect from here - which very often is wrong. The clearing up of these misunderstandings - painful as these processes tend to be - have been very important in the improvement of the relationship.

* the father of her children is a full-blown, self centered, at times immature and overly sensitive narscissist - with which she had a 10 year "constant power-struggle relationship" always having to defend herself, or fighting to have her and their childrens needs recognized. Her father was self centered and absent as well. She was proud to step out of the same pattern her mother had been in when she broke with him 6 years ago.

So, we needed time to settle down in this relationship. There was a lot of anxiety floating around, and there still is some. We can both be rather explosive. I have, at times, felt that she have taken with her the "power struggle" attitude into this relationsship. Secondly I feel that she tries to play it extremely safe, not exposing herself at all, letting me take the emotion "risks" (exposure). First 6 months she showed little or no initiative for warmth, very little gratitude, no emotional support in challenging situations, almost no initiative for caressing. If i took initiative, she would sometimes respond, sometimes not. She gives close to none verbal expressions of care, love etc - though it's all getting better. The sex, however, as always been very close, near, straightforward loving. I’ve been in relationships with all kinds of experimentation – but she’s into straight, missionary love maing, with some oral thrown into it from time to time. I like it, it feels true.

So, back to masturbation. What’s it about? If she masturbates every day, but only wants sex 1-2 times a week, I feel “left out”. I mean, does she spend more time fantasizing about this and that, than making love with me? I don’t know how to deal with that. Secondly, does she prefer sex alone? Isnt what we do good enough (though she says she's extremely satisfied). Third, no wonder she wants it less (sex together) than me if she does it every day. Fourth; is this just another way of keeping me at an emotionally secure distance? I’ve been thinking that with her emotionally distant ex, sex was the only way to get close. With me, she’s got plenty of opportunities for that, but I think she is scared. She get’s very close during sex – is it getting too close for her?

Man, too many questions….

I’d like to hear what women have to say about it. Maybe you can help in some way.

**WildChild** · 08-06-2010 07:39 AM

Sounds like she still has some healing to do. How much time was there between getting out the controlling realtionship and getting together with you?
People often unconsciously set up situations that force a certain pattern of behavior on a new lover, just because they are locked into a pattern of responses. She will have to consciously act to break the pattern, you can help but she has to make the conscious effort to do it.

**Olympia** · 08-06-2010 08:19 AM

dr.pysche, You are very observant and from what you have stated, imo. It sounds as if your last thought hits closer to the source....

Fourth; is this just another way of keeping me at an emotionally secure distance? I’ve been thinking that with her emotionally distant ex, sex was the only way to get close. With me, she’s got plenty of opportunities for that, but I think she is scared. She get’s very close during sex – is it getting too close for her?

However, it sounds as if all can tie in with the fourth...
You state the communication in the relationship is not strong. (both) Do you think that over time it has improved from hence it started..? If so, there is no reason to think comfort in communicating your thoughts/observations will not help.
She carries much from her previous 10 yr. relationship. Much of which was dominated by someone else. Then the brief time after which she was on her own with children to provide sole care for. Concerning the masturbation/porn and sexual desires...When masturbation takes away from physical intimacy and lovemaking with your partner that is troubling. It sounds like maybe she was only doing that which she did not get in her marriage. And never persued due to the dominating husband.. It may take time before she is truly comfortable to open up.. to you. But, you should state your feelings on this, as it involves you. Mabey open a line of dialog, that way.........?

**Texasred** · 08-06-2010 09:08 AM

The masturbation is not the issue, but her perceptions of "pressure" in the relationship; when she satisfies herself, there is of course much less pressure than when she's with you and may feel pressured to please you.

You might try having sex with her in which you just please her but take nothing in return; perhaps you could ask her how she masturbates, and ask her simply to allow you to do that for her. This might be difficult for you I know!
But it could help reduce her perceptions of being pressured.
- TR

**Olympia** · 08-06-2010 09:24 AM

I believe that masturbation is part of the issue, as it is something she controls... As stated...

the father of her children is a full-blown, self centered, at times immature and overly sensitive narscissist - with which she had a 10 year "constant power-struggle relationship" always having to defend herself, or fighting to have her and their childrens needs recognized.

And the porn use as well..

**dr.psyche** · 08-07-2010 02:51 AM

Originally Posted by Texasred

The masturbation is not the issue, but her perceptions of "pressure" in the relationship; when she satisfies herself, there is of course much less pressure than when she's with you and may feel pressured to please you.

You might try having sex with her in which you just please her but take nothing in return; perhaps you could ask her how she masturbates, and ask her simply to allow you to do that for her. This might be difficult for you I know!
But it could help reduce her perceptions of being pressured.
- TR

Thanks for your replies women

The actual sex is close and, I would say, undemanding - but I could be wrong of course. She is very open about sex, including talking about, showing and letting me participate. She is also curious about my "solo activities". It's the emotional talk that messes things up, and I would say that I am better at it, or at least willing to talk about such things, but this subject very quickly heads off into trouble.

The relationship with her ex ended 6 years ago - he lives in the same city and has the children 2 weekends a month. She's been dependent on him because she has had no other way of getting a couple of days off. So she's been exhausted - and for a long time. This position he has obviously enjoyed. He's the kind of person that "forgets" to pay his alimony before holidays and christmas. Regularly. He has improved the last year though, probably because he's smart enough to not want to look so dumb in front of a third person (me - he tries to set up conversations about "manly" things like bikes, sailing etc, which i try to endure while he is picking up her kids), and dumb enough not to realize that she tells me about what he has done before (and still do from time to time). Amazing.

I'm fine with her masturbating. I think it's a turn on. Occational porn could be as well I suppose, but it's a delicate issue. My main worry is that she does it to keep the distance (and I realize i can't pressure her), or so much that it leaves us with less sex than we would otherwise have. A man has a limited amount of "fluids". If I'd jerk off every day - it would influence my drive (I know about exceptions - but I think this is the case for many men) and the pure pleasure of sex. Maybe it is different for women - it just increases their drive. In which case it gets more complicated - again.

**jns** · 08-07-2010 08:39 AM

It is interesting to look for asymmetry in responses to a woman masturbating to porn and limiting intimacy compared to a man doing the same.

Dr., it sounds like her response is similar to children who have been molested over a long time. The openness of what she does and the lack of emotion. The molestation damages their relationships as adults. Have she sought counseling?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-07-2010 04:27 PM

You described her husband as if you were describing mine

The problem with that type of character, is they often are verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, only "use" sex for sex.

At 40, in that type of relationship, you can bet your bottom dollar that she started experimenting with herself more, to full fil a void, nurturing herself, loving herself, finding her sensuality and she did.

You've a hurdle to jump. One that doesn't make her feel that sex is sex. Doing it on her own, makes her feel herself loving herself.

I would say that she found herself, has a fear still of intimacy, bonding, as she spent 10 years not having that, she has to acknowledge she's a free spirit now in a loving relationship and it's OK.

It's not easy getting out of a past, she did it. It's not easy emotionally correcting yourself, but sounds as if she's trying, she's letting you know at least, communicating on some level.

Imagine, all she missed? Imagine the deep love missed? She may be doing both, as a way to be free in herself.. Bare with her but try to encourage her to do it with you, that's she's beautiful, sexy, it's not sex with you, rather togetherness, intimate, beautiful... Keep telling her that. Over and over.

CW