Advice on conservative girlfriend needed.

**TNobles** · 08-06-2010 08:16 AM

I met a girl who I liked instantly, and I was lucky enough to start dating her. Three months into it, we get along great and have fun together. Unfortunately, she is a little younger and a lot more inexeperienced sexually than I am. I am in my mid twenties, she is in her early twenties. She has never had an orgasm, and thinks touching herself is "dirty." She also is too self conscious to let me give oral to her, or have sex in anything other than her on top, or missionary. She is also revolted by the idea of giving oral to me, and thinks penises are "gross." She is mature and intelligent everywhere in life, but in bed.

This is all very difficult for me, but I care about her so I am being pacient. Ive always had very fun and wild sexual relationships, so Im not sure how to handle this. I really want to give her an orgasm, but I know I most likely wont be able to until she knows how. Ive tried to tell her how sexy it is, or how natural and beautiful it is for a woman to pleasure herself to encourage her to try. Not in front of me, but on her own when the mood strikes. Ive also talked to her about how important getting and giving oral is to me. I think she is scared to do it to me because she doesnt know how, and she is worried she will look silly, so Ive tried to ease her mind by telling her all that matters to me is she cares enough to try. I love to give oral, and Im assuming she feels guilty that she cant orgasm so she feels pressured and cant relax when I give to her, and that would change if she could teach herself to orgasm.

Im worried that by continuing a relationship with her, it will be hoping that somehow she can become relaxed and confident in bed, awakening a sexual being. Selfish as it may sound, there is no way I will be happy long-term if this is all that will ever happen in bed. No head for me is a deal breaker, plain and simple. Ive tried to tell her how meaningful it is to me, and how intimate and caring I perceive it to be. But, what I really wanted to say is, "If you polled 100 men on the street and asked them to write down their top five favorite things in the world, getting a bj would be on every single list. This is important."

1- Am I wrong to continue a relationship with her in the hopes that she will change so drastically?

2- How can I help her get over the dirty or insecure feelings she has with sex? How can I get her to masturbate, on her own, and maybe learn to orgasm?

3- Is this something anyone can relate to, if so, what is your advice?

**Texasred** · 08-06-2010 09:17 AM

Your girlfriend is not atypical of very young women, especially those raised in certain religious beliefs and/or raised by parents who think sex is "dirty."
(Sorta makes you wonder how they had the child in the frst place, eh?)
But the good news is, that over time, as you build trust in a relationship, with the right man this woman can evolve and free herself of some of her misconceptions. The bad news is, that insisting that oral sex or the lack thereof is a "deal-breaker" might NOT be the best way to build trust, and to me sounds pretty self-centered.
So you may be right: this girl might not be right for you, or vice-versa: you might not be right for her.

With patience though, the right guy could find a very rewarding relationship with her.
It could take some time, but beginning by showing her a genuine concern for her pleasure would be a good first step. Showing her that sex is NOT dirty may take a little time, but it can be done.

**Hopeless Dork** · 08-06-2010 09:33 AM

I don't think you are wrong for continuing on with hope... but I think you are facing a real uphill battle to get her to relax about, let alone enjoy, sex... especially if you are the only one in the fight.

If she has NO interest in making things better, and has deep-rooted feelings about the penis being disgusting and all that... it could take months, years, or possibly might not even ever happen... that she turn into the sexual person you want her to be.

I've read countless stories of men (and women) in your position that even go on to marry a significant other with very mis-matched feelings about sex in hopes that one day things will get better... and so many times they just get even worse. Once a week missionary lights off sex turns to once a month missionary lights off sex then, "we haven't had sex for 3 years".

I'm not trying to only give you a downside to working this out... if she decides she wants to have a healthy sexual relationship with you... things can get a whole lot better. But she has to want to, you can't just want it for her or she will just become resentful on top of disinterested.

**LanaBear** · 08-06-2010 09:42 AM

I pretty much agree with TR...

Patience, patience and oh yeah, more patience.

But the question IMO will be how much time you give it, which will obviously depend on how the progress comes along. There are many many posts on this forum about mismatched sexual desires and the problems they cause later on in relationships.

People raised a certain way have beliefs ingrained into their heads about what is right and wrong and some things are very black and white with no gray area at all. You are going to have to climb a mountain to even attempt to get past those beliefs, if it works, the reward may be the greatest ever.

As odd as this may sound, I don't agree with TR about the lack of oral being a deal breaker as being self centered. That is you. Everyone has deal breakers. Like I said above, if you are not 100% satisfied in your sexual relationship, it will cause problems down the road. Knowing how much I myself love oral, as does my husband, it would be a VERY hard thing to do without. I would though not tell her that, you'll have to deal until you can break down some sexually conservative walls.

Is it worth it? Maybe... Like TR said, she may not be the right one for you. She may be happier with another sexually conservative man who is more than happy with no oral and complete missionary and you may be happier with another sexually adventurous wildcat.

**Texasred** · 08-06-2010 02:06 PM

Originally Posted by LanaBear

I pretty much agree with TR...

Patience, patience and oh yeah, more patience.

But the question IMO will be how much time you give it, which will obviously depend on how the progress comes along. There are many many posts on this forum about mismatched sexual desires and the problems they cause later on in relationships.

People raised a certain way have beliefs ingrained into their heads about what is right and wrong and some things are very black and white with no gray area at all. You are going to have to climb a mountain to even attempt to get past those beliefs, if it works, the reward may be the greatest ever.

As odd as this may sound, I don't agree with TR about the lack of oral being a deal breaker as being self centered. That is you. Everyone has deal breakers. Like I said above, if you are not 100% satisfied in your sexual relationship, it will cause problems down the road. Knowing how much I myself love oral, as does my husband, it would be a VERY hard thing to do without. I would though not tell her that, you'll have to deal until you can break down some sexually conservative walls.

Is it worth it? Maybe... Like TR said, she may not be the right one for you. She may be happier with another sexually conservative man who is more than happy with no oral and complete missionary and you may be happier with another sexually adventurous wildcat.

You put it much better than I did.
And I guess I see your point about oral; it might take some time to break down that barrier - or it might not. This relationship has not been going on for very long at this point.
As two people get more comfortable with their lovemaking, though, it becomes easier to see it as natural and enjoyable and not "dirty."

**cocoa** · 08-06-2010 04:22 PM

But if she's not comfortable, then isn't that the real issue? Sounds like you want her to be more comfortable with sex for you, not for her. Maybe both of you simply see sex differently and don't enjoy it in the same way.

**rcoreyus** · 08-06-2010 11:35 PM

I'm sort of with hopeless dork here. My girlfriend was also somewhat shy, hated the idea of oral, didn't seem that interested in sex. Well its 30 patient years later and it hasn't improved. I made the mistake of continuing the relationship to the point where I fell deeply in love (despite the lack of sex) and couldn't break it off. I don't recommend this path.

**WildChild** · 08-07-2010 01:04 AM

There is no way to predict when, if ever, she will change her attitudes towards sex. But this level of prudery does not bode well. How long are you willing to give it?

**Day Tripper** · 08-07-2010 05:24 AM

Originally Posted by rcoreyus

I'm sort of with hopeless dork here. My girlfriend was also somewhat shy, hated the idea of oral, didn't seem that interested in sex. Well its 30 patient years later and it hasn't improved. I made the mistake of continuing the relationship to the point where I fell deeply in love (despite the lack of sex) and couldn't break it off. I don't recommend this path.

TNobles, if the above post doesn't tell you something, then nothing else will. I know it sounds cold, but, you may need to accept the fact that the physical chemistry between you is simply not there. There is a strong possibility that she may never come around - especially if she doesn't recognize that this is a problem in your relationship.

**knightrider** · 08-07-2010 06:57 AM

All women are like that. Women in general think sex is dirty and gross so if you find a new woman it will be exactly the same so you might aswell stay with her and accept the fact that women simply do not like sex.

If I had a girl I would be more worried if she actually liked sex, because as far as I'm concerned it's not normal for a woman to like sex and not think it's disgusting.