A little confused about his orgasm...!

**Lauraloo89** · 08-06-2010 02:38 PM

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year and have a great sex life. However, he is unable to cum during intercourse. We have both only ever had one previous partner, and our experiences were modest. He did not manage to cum inside anyone else and he felt that it would happen with me as our sex life was generally better.

I feel that his problem is actually physical as we have no problems emotionally at all. He just does not achieve
sufficient stimulation in any position or after any length of time, despite the feeling being very pleasurable. Our sex always finishes with me 'finishing' him off with hands/mouth. He is not circumcised so this isnt the problem. I think many women would say i am lucky as sex lasts as long as i wish! But although we benefit from his 'situation' i would just like to know if many others experience this. Thanks!

**Olympia** · 08-06-2010 03:00 PM

Is/was he raised in a strong religous environment? Could this be related to that. His reason for not being able to complete
while during intercourse..? Are you taking precautions, birth control?

**Lauraloo89** · 08-06-2010 03:14 PM

No, no religious enviroment to interfere!! Neither is there any psychological past/present problems! I thought that the pressure of a new relationship may have prevented him succeeding (!) yet now we are completely comfortable and nothing holds back our sex life in any department. I am on the pill and since stopping using condoms his experience got better. This is what is strange; he doesnt have a lack of feeling downstairs; and has great orgasms when i finish him manually. Its as if he cant concentrate on sex and cumming at the same time! Well ladies, they do say men dont multitask well....!!

**SaharaJim** · 08-06-2010 03:22 PM

To quote Susan Serandon in BULL DURAM: "sex is like baseball. All you have to do is relax, ...concentrate...and stroke it in there". Your SO may be concerntrating so much on "other things' that he is not pursuing the sensation that will result in orgasm. He may be worried about your comfort and pleasure, about his "technique", how you appear, birthcontrol etc. etc. etc...and he may have "learned" to orgasm in a way(s) that can not result in pregnacy. If you are using reliable birth control and
are willing to refrain from other outlets like masterbation...he will quickly learn to orgasm through intercourse. Try several positions until he finds one that "rubs him in the right way" and then continue,...relax...and concentrate on the sensation.....nature will take care of the rest.

**Lauraloo89** · 08-06-2010 03:31 PM

Thanks SaharaJim. The thing is, not having much experience I have no idea how men usually come during intercourse. It seems that he needs fast stimulation to make him cum, at a speed which cannot be maintained during sex for very long! He is 27 and i feel that if he hasnt managed this now he might not ever. He had a 2 year gap of no sex and its as if his manhood is left well accustomed to manual relief (!) We have tried him not masturbating for a week as he does do this a lot, yet it just seems to leave him so sensitive downstairs that sex is not fluent!

**LanaBear** · 08-06-2010 03:46 PM

He needs to find a happy medium with masturbation... If you are not having sex frequent enough for him NOT to get his own rocks off, then he at least needs to limit it. This, I bet, is a big part of the problem. He is used to that kind of stimulation to get him to climax, that leaves any less type of stimulation hardly any chance in getting him there.

How often do the two of you have sex and how often is he masturbating?

**SaharaJim** · 08-06-2010 04:41 PM

Pretty sure LanaBear is right on this one. Standard stim/response conditioning. He is "conditioned" to orgasm from hand stim. once that is removed from his "hierarchy of stimulants" another stimulus will move up in terms of generating the desired response. So if you both agree that orgasm through intercourse is your goal; no masterbation or oral stim. and he will respond to intercourse. Just keep in mind that he needs to be "aware' of what portion of his penis generates the greatest stim. and find a position in intercourse that stimulates that spot. Don't worry about "speed" of stimulation- he will generate all speed necessary as he approaches orgasm. ;0)

**LA-husband** · 08-06-2010 05:31 PM

As a guy, I've always found it difficult to achieve orgasm from sex while wearing a condom. Then I learned to put lubricant on the inside of the condom, and that helped, but it was still no guarantee. It just cut off too much sensation.

There is also variation with how tight women are, and the tighter the easier it is to cum. It's not always a good thing--I dated a woman who was very tight and was turned into a minute man. I also recall one woman I dated for months and had a similar problem as you describe that I just kept going without cumming because I was not getting a lot of sensation from her, even without condom. And this is not necessarily linked to giving birth or being over weight. This woman was super fit, very toned, rather petite and had no kids.

Too much lubrication can be a problem. Too little is obviously a problem, too, but too much can interfere with sensation. If you use an added lubricant, you may want to use a bit less (or more, try mixing it up).

Also, there are things you can do to drive a guy over the edge, like moaning in his ear, talking dirty, stroking the testicles, etc. I'm sure your guy has some triggers that put him in overdrive and he may be going along thinking he's not going to come, then you find a trigger, and he's suddenly all the way there.

Finally, if this has become an "issue" with you and him, you can bet it's in his mind during sex and that actually worsens the problem for him because only part of him is able to appreciate the pleasure of the act going on, the other part of him is stressing out about what he is or is not feeling. It is basically the same kind of head space that can cause impotence, but in this case it kicks in after he's erect. I'd be surprised if this was not at least part of the issue. If you find one or more triggers for him, and use them to get him off from intercourse, and he breaks that cycle, the stress may go away and you can fade out the triggers and he very well may continue to have orgasms during sex.

If he's 27 and you're the second girl he's with, I think he does have some issues and I don't think it's you, but more likely he had some bad earlier experiences that gave him a misconception that it is hard for him to cum from sex (particularly if he wore a condom that was the wrong size and without enough lubricant), and he was worried how you'd react to that, and his worry became a self-fulfilling prophecy and now he's in his head too much when he has sex with you so he cannot fully appreciate the sensations that would otherwise be getting him off easily.

**Day Tripper** · 08-06-2010 07:09 PM

LA Husband wrote:
Also, there are things you can do to drive a guy over the edge, like moaning in his ear, talking dirty, stroking the testicles, etc. I'm sure your guy has some triggers that put him in overdrive and he may be going along thinking he's not going to come, then you find a trigger, and he's suddenly all the way there.

Finally, if this has become an "issue" with you and him, you can bet it's in his mind during sex and that actually worsens the problem for him because only part of him is able to appreciate the pleasure of the act going on, the other part of him is stressing out about what he is or is not feeling. It is basically the same kind of head space that can cause impotence, but in this case it kicks in after he's erect. I'd be surprised if this was not at least part of the issue. If you find one or more triggers for him, and use them to get him off from intercourse, and he breaks that cycle, the stress may go away and you can fade out the triggers and he very well may continue to have orgasms during sex.

Spot on, LA! Find the trigger and he'll be golden!

**TNobles** · 08-07-2010 06:22 PM

When I was younger, I had the same issue. It was nearly impossible for me to orgasm from sex, no matter what I tried. Not masturbating, mastubating infrequently, using lube, changing my technique, using lighter grip, etc etc, nothing helped. This issue had nothing to do with any one girl, as I had the same experience with hund... a few more. It also didnt have anything to do with religion, as I was not raised in a religious family. Anxieties over pregnancy is what I always believed it to be, but Im still very not wanting to be a father, so I cant be sure.

Now that Im a little older (mid-late 20's), I have no trouble finishing during sex, sometimes a little too soon. I know what a difference it makes for both people for the guy to be able to orgasm. Some women like the idea of endless sex, but nearly all of them begin to feel self conscious and wonder whats wrong with them at some point.

So what changed? I tried a lot of other things, yohimbe and ed pills, and they helped me get started. Yohimbe made my desire so high I was able to orgasm because my excitement was elevated, and the extra hardness made me more sensitive. Same for the ED pills, when you know your erection is as big and hard as its gonna ever get, it lets you focus more on the sensations. It becomes a bit of a mental block for guys, I assume, the same as it is for women. If you feel pressured to orgasm, or you havent been able to for a while, you start to think about it during sex. I remember getting to the brink, and not being able to, and thinking "well, its not happening this time either." So I was getting in my own way a lot, too.

So, after I was able to start feeling confident in that I could orgasm from sex, I started to more often. Then I began dating a woman with whom I had incredible chemistry. The sex was outta control, Her having crazy multiples, and me orgasming simultaneously with her after she had a few nearly every time. She did have an IUD, so maybe that eased my mind enough to relax and get over my anxieties about pregnancy. We were also having so much sex, so much deeply satisfying, toe curling sex, I nearly never masturbated. Getting over that block was not easy, but once I started to feel confident about it, its been smooth sailing since.

Maybe it was anxiety over pregnancy, maybe it was because I taught myself not to orgasm so that I could be a sexual stud (in my young ideals), maybe I had a GF early on with whom the sex was so bad it ruined me and caused me to doubt my abilities. I guess Ive written a lot without saying much, but my point is that it is a problem that can be overcome and erased, he just needs to start building confidence and before long, its an afterthought.