Thread: Does my wife masturbate?

My wife and I have sex once a week at best. She is a selfish lover, never asking what I want nor doing what I want if it isn't within her boundaries. Sex is always on her terms i.e. when, where and how. Most of the time sex is only once every 3 to 4 weeks. We've discussed this problem often (obviously it's just my problem) and the trend changes for a short while, about a month or so, but then goes back to once a month. I am extremely patient and I think I am also very understanding but I am about to give up on it and I will soon say something that will damage our 13 year relationship. I know that when I lose my patience I say things that are hurtful and destructive and I have no remorse because I don't say something unless I mean it and I therefore never apologise for it. Luckily I am very patient and almost never do that.

I know my wife masturbates when I am away for a couple days with work (which is very very seldom) because she told me so. When we have sex once a month I masturbate, on average, every other day. If we have sex once a week I don't masturbate at all because then I am bigger and harder and ready to go when she is.

A 37 y.o workaholic (50-60 hrs/wk, she loves her job) mother of one married for 13 years that is happy with sex once a month....how often would you say she masturbates?

Is your concern that she is masturbating thereby not needing you for sex? Women tend to be really different than men with that. The more a guy masturbates, typically... the less he has a need for sex because of his physiological limitations. Women, however, that masturbate frequently tend to have a higher drive for sex in general.. the more she comes, the more she wants to come. So your wife masturbating would be a good thing in your case because it would mean she's sexual and that would likely reflect in how much she desires you.

So if she is put off the idea of sex with you, theres a good chance she's putting off the idea of it with herself but there is no way to know that.. all women are different and then each individual woman has different needs at different times. I've gone a month without masturbating and no sex and I've masturbated 3 or 4 times a day for days on end... it all depends.

If she works a lot, is busy with a kid... and her mind isn't really ever having free enough to even think or feel sexual, I'd guess its probably not all that often, but who knows. There is just too many variables, it would be impossible for any of us to know if or how much your wife masturbates.

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

Is your concern that she is masturbating thereby not needing you for sex? Women tend to be really different than men with that. The more a guy masturbates, typically... the less he has a need for sex because of his physiological limitations. Women, however, that masturbate frequently tend to have a higher drive for sex in general.. the more she comes, the more she wants to come. So your wife masturbating would be a good thing in your case because it would mean she's sexual and that would likely reflect in how much she desires you.

So if she is put off the idea of sex with you, theres a good chance she's putting off the idea of it with herself but there is no way to know that.. all women are different and then each individual woman has different needs at different times. I've gone a month without masturbating and no sex and I've masturbated 3 or 4 times a day for days on end... it all depends.

If she works a lot, is busy with a kid... and her mind isn't really ever having free enough to even think or feel sexual, I'd guess its probably not all that often, but who knows. There is just too many variables, it would be impossible for any of us to know if or how much your wife masturbates.

Thanks HD,

Your reply has reinforced what I suspected wherein working the long hours takes a lot out of her. She hasn't always worked that much and still the sex wasn't frequent. She doesn't have a very active sex drive, which is very frustrating. She loves her job and she loves working and hence she puts all of her energy into it. So that leaves me taking care of our 3 year old.

You have also confirmed that the more sex she has, the more she wants (her own words), but the problem is that it's always the LAST thing on her list. She also has a problem with relaxing, she simply cannot switch herself off and allow herself to enjoy life and that drives me insane. If my boss calls me on a Sunday, I tell him to " off, it's Sunday!" If her boss calls, she is in the office within the hour!

I suspect that she doesn't masturbate very much because of her almost non-existant sex drive, but on the other side I suspect that maybe she does because it takes less time and energy when she's already tired and can't be bothered with actual sex. I know that when I want to skip the usual of "no, don't touch there, no don't do that, no I don't want foreplay just give it to me hard and now" I masturbate just to give myself some relief and I think it's a fair assumption to think she might do the same.

The whole reason for my asking, is because I want to try to be a bit more informed if I confront her yet again about the dissatisfying sex life. Sometimes I think I'd like to catch her masturbating to be able to confront her there and then, but in the end I couldn't be bothered because when I think about it, it doesn't really matter if she does or doesn't masturbate.

I guess it's just going to be a problem I'll have to continue to suffer..."for better or for worse" those were my words, so I'd better stick by them, yeah?

As much as it may occur to you to wonder about her masturbation habits, you are right in the fact that the heart of the problem lies elsewhere and her masturbation or lack of it is just a symptom of something else.

There was a time in my relationship when my boyfriend was stressed with work and didn't seem to want to be intimate with me as often as usual, yet I was pretty sure he was still masturbating. This hurt my feelings greatly because I felt like if he didn't masturbate, then stressed or not he'd have a stronger urge to be with me.

So I focused on that and let that be the cause of my frustration, if only he wouldnt masturbate then he'd want me more... so I went into freak out mode and started policing porn and alone time out of not knowing what else to do to get him to realize how much I needed to feel wanted by him. That I, too, could masturbate and curb my own sexual appetite but it didn't fullfill me in the way intimacy with him did.

Eventually it was through facing the big issue, that I wanted him to be intimate with me more, rather than focusing on the side story of whether or not he was masturbating and how much and how often and to what etc... I was able to put in proper perspective what I'd need from him in order to be happy.

He knows how his body works, he knows that if he masturbates he won't be as needing of sex with me so if he chose to do that, he was not placing my needs very high on the priority list. But by qutting attack on accusations /questions of what he was doing without me... and placing my concerns where they belonged, what he was doing with me.. he was able to understand what I needed from him and stopped feeling like I was trying to control or limit his sexuality outside of what we did together.

I think it may suit your situation well, since you are in it for the haul, is to find out what it takes to make her feel sexy... and provide her with it. Sex starts in the mind for most women... feeling desirable is a big part of what turns many women, myself included, on.

Letting her know she looks hot, giving her a little spank or lingering up and down stare when she walks by with no intentions for sex at that moment plants a seed, puts a spring in her step and makes her feel sexy. Treating her to a full body massage, again, not pushing for sex... letting her own body crave it.

Sometimes when a person is hounded it can create a wall where even if they feel like sex they don't want to because they see it as giving into every little whim of their partner. I don't think thats a healthy way to feel about things... but some people do just that. Some people the more someone wants something from them, the less they want to give it... and reverse that situation and they are the ones wandering.. hey? what happened... don't you want me?

It seems silly to have to play games and not just say this is what I need and have your partner understand it. I realize that I am lucky to be in a relationship where that is the norm. But perhaps if you go back to the flirting with her, no pressure, the footrubs and compliments... maybe she will find her way back... anything is worth a try at this point.