Thread: **NEED ADVICE** lacking sex drive

hi, I am going to put the most important details first then explain my problem. I am 20(2 months shy of 21) I have been with my boyfriend for a total of 4 years and neither of us has slept with anyone else since the first time we met. I am seeking advice in this area for the first time and am only seeking it because I love this man to death and am hoping to marry him someday.

So, now thats all out here is the problem. Last night we adressed the issues in our relationship. This was super painful to each party because we are both at fault. We narrowed it down to 4 main problems. 1. Communication 2. Spontaneity/Fun 3. Romance 4. Sex Life. The reason I am stating them all is because for the most part they link together. Communication we were doing great on but I have an overreaction problem so we can work on that. Spontaneity and fun is that he never wants to go out and do out of the norm fun things like Theme Parks, Zoos, Putt Putt, Water Parks, Fairs, etc. So he says he will keep an open mind. Romance and Sex Life CLEARLY go hand in hand but now that everything is out in the open its almost tainted to start cause it feels fake and pressured.

Sex Life: I have absolutely NO desire for sex. I have been on BC since I was 13, I have been on a new kind for 3 months and a different for 7 months prior before that I was on the same kind for 5 or 6 years. I used to be a borderlind nympho and now I couldnt tell you the last time we had sex, let alone enjoyed having it. I do not know how to fix this!!! I want to make him happy and satisfy him and I am unbelievably scared that this could potentially break us apart. I do not want to use pills so bring my libido back up but, if its all there is left I guess Ill try it.

FYI: I have already decided to start excercising and eating right as I am very lazy and eat nothing but junk food now, and my job is the most stressful thing of my life but I cannot quit so I am looking into ways to de-stress and I just got done with a 3 month Car search so hopefully taking some weight off my shoulders will help with the stress and my mood swings.

ANY AND ALL ADVICE NEEDED, APPRECIATED AND ENCOURAGED! THANK YOU!!

the two of you may have become too comfortable with each other..for example, not dressing sexy for each other or doing the little things that your partner appreciates..perhaps your new BC has something to do with your libido..you have decided to start exercing and eating better..that's a good start..it will give you more energy..
good luck and don't give up..go for a 1/2 hour walk each day and keep at it..encourage your bf to go with you....if he sees how committed you are to improving yourself, he'll join in or get left behind

I think you have three major issues to deal with here:
1.Try changing your pill and see if it makes a difference to your mood.
2.Stress and unhealthy food are major libido killers.Do some meditation or prayer for 10 minutes a day and try taking some natural mood enhancing suppliments.
3.Its very difficult to maintain a relationship for 4 years and expect to remain the same as when it started.As in mariage you will have ups and downs.Its normal.Just relax and focus on something else that gives you pleasure.If you are normal and healthy theres no reason why your libido shouldnt return.

If you think the BC pills are killing your sex drive, you could stop taking them for a while. You could only engage in sexual activities that can't get you pregnant, but that might still be a lot better than no sex at all (for both of you).

it probably will feel a bit weird and forced since you'll both feel like you're...not on probation exactly but being more aware of each other y'know?

about the sex - change the birth control and give it a few months
the hormonal coil absolutely killed my sex drive.
so its almost certainly that which is causing it....

but eating right and doing some excersise wont hurt any!

x

I don't have much to add but I do agree that you absolutely have to change your diet and start exercising. Low sex drive, over reacting, no energy will all improve with being healthy and active.
Talk to your doctor about a non hormonal BC. You could research an IUD, or use condoms. Lots of sex with condoms is still MUCH better than no sex at all.

Your fear that having no sex drive could break you apart is very realistic: it is ENORMOUSLY difficult for a 20-year-old male to avoid thinking about sex for more than about 2 minutes, and especially if he has previously been sexually active, he'll start thinking about ways to get it.
If not with you, or with his hand, it'll be with someone else.
The lack of libido could very well be from the birth control, and it's something you should quiz your doctor about soon.

Hi, thanks for all the replies! We have gotten better! We had our own little 4 day mini vacation for just the two of us and are really focusing on whats makes us happy and so on and so forth. We actually had sex and it was GREAT which makes me want it more! YAY! We are setting up an appt to talk to my doctor about hormone free ParaGaurd or Mirena. 10 year supply BTW Texasred, he is 24 and I am basically 21. I knew this plateau would be coming and we were prepared and had talked about it prior, now that a week or two has gone by we are doing good and just focusing on us! Thanks so much!

Ever think to try natural stuff, I used to be like you and now not having had sex for so many years, I have no desire either with my poor new boyfriend I love to death. I used to be borderline Nympho like you! And still cannot SEE that its disappeared! I think being alone and waiting for a real person to love me back has forced me to break my sex drive from my mind so I wouldnt suffer from lack of sex. But now cannot get it back! I used to use an herb called DAMIANA and heaven knows I never needed it, but boy did it enhance the desire and not only also the frequency and sensitivity of sensations. I am going to try that again, I don't want us to start out in such a way he thinks he doesnt turn me on. Maybe it will help you too. I know BC is horrendous for your body and can be the culprit in that

Originally Posted by Giusy

Ever think to try natural stuff, I used to be like you and now not having had sex for so many years, I have no desire either with my poor new boyfriend I love to death. I used to be borderline Nympho like you! And still cannot SEE that its disappeared! I think being alone and waiting for a real person to love me back has forced me to break my sex drive from my mind so I wouldnt suffer from lack of sex. But now cannot get it back! I used to use an herb called DAMIANA and heaven knows I never needed it, but boy did it enhance the desire and not only also the frequency and sensitivity of sensations. I am going to try that again, I don't want us to start out in such a way he thinks he doesnt turn me on. Maybe it will help you too. I know BC is horrendous for your body and can be the culprit in that

I believe that's exactly my problem! Me and my boyfriend's sex life was great in the beginning of our relationship, but for some reason, he started going through this phase where he never seemed to want to have sex and wouldn't respond to my advances. That affected me greatly, both physically and emotionally. Of course, any sex-loving girl is going to be disappointed that her significant other no longer takes interest in her, intimately. But, I think it affected me more mentally than anything. I was hurt and began to get really depressed. I thought it was me...I thought I was the problem and I didn't know how to fix it. I didn't know what I was doing wrong. And thinking about it, wanting it, only made it worse. I felt so undesirable, unwanted, ugly, neglected... So, I tried incredibly hard to simply shut off that part of my mind to save myself the mental anguish.

Good news: I succeeded and didn't feel like crying myself to sleep anymore!

Bad news: He finally came around...but, after working so hard to shut that emotion off, I couldn't seem to turn it on again. Now I feel like I'm the one neglecting him and I don't mean to at all.

Perhaps I'll take your advice, Giusy, and try that DAMIANA thing you're talking about, lol.