Thread: Pleeease Help...

G'day Ladies,

I have a small issue that is slowly turning into a larger one.

My wife and I we blessed with a beatiful daugther last november. The only thing is we have yet to have sex. I understand a womans lack of sex drive, hormones and balancing being a mother has almost everything to do with it, but that still leaves me not getting any. I do not expect to be swinging from the chandelier, but i haven't even received a "hey, sorry not into sex here is a bj". Id like to add she has yet to get her period.

Most woman do not understand a mans need for sex, most think it is a want. Now I can just hear all the woman saying "don't be selfish, your a pig" etc...please refrain

You hear most woman say "if your going to cheat, you should get a divorce first"....should i really divorce my wife just to get laid? How piggisg does that sound to give up everything just to get laid when i should be getting it at home.

My wife still thinks I'm attractive (which i know i am) however not getting any slights your esteem a little especially when she is not aggressively trying to fix the situation?

any suggestions?

What does she say about this? Surely you've discussed it with her since November?
My suggestion is to come right out and ask her if she still feels any sex drive, and if not, doesn't she think she should discuss the lack thereof with her doctor? Because she's got to know it's not normal, but if you don't say anything about it, she might be thinking you're OK with that, or maybe she's embarrassed to bring it up.
Is it possible that SHE thinks YOU have lost interest?

Be sure you bring it up with her in a non-accusatory fashion: just show your concern for her heatlh and well-being, and discuss it like you would any other health problem.
Assuming you had a normal sexlife before the birth of your child, she can't be any happier about the current situation than you are!

Best of luck; this sex after a birth can be difficult for both mother and father.
I might go so far as to echo what you said, with the fact that most MEN do not understand a WOMAN'S need for sex either.
- TR

Well it sounds like you're being very understanding about this, which you deserve a high five for (I see the opposite of that alot!). It's a touchy subject because if you push about it in the wrong way, it could be quite damaging to the recovery of her sex drive. Thing is, she's well aware you guys are not having sex....and she's probably waiting for the proverbial s to hit the fan.

What happens when you initiate it? Have you talked about it at all? I know when I was going through that (minus baby...but birth control caused me to TOTALLY lose mine), I KNEW he was going to notice, so I just brought it up on my own. Tried to explain that I truly couldn't explain what I was feeling, but that I just genuinely didn't want to have sex and to please not take it personally. And he knew I was working on it....switched pills, got some testosterone cream (which was humiliating) to try to enhance it, etc. Nothing worked short of just going off BC totally. So does she ever bring it up at all?

How do you let her know when you want to? How do you let her know she's attractive? Is she getting out of the house at all, or just staying home with baby all the time? If the latter, she's probably feeling quite frumpy and unattractive.

Give us some more info.

yeah...i tried initiating it 6 months ago...you can only iniate things so much until you stop trying because your tired of being rejected. She is in the alternative health field therefore would never go see an MD for the quick fix.

Everytime i bring it up now, she calls me a pig, selfish, "i just had a baby" blah blah...she tells me to go grab some ky and condoms because she has not had her period yet, and does not want to get pregnant right away.

I have not gone and done this for the simple fact that this is a delay mechanism as well as its not too much fun to have sex with somebody if there not into it, so i'm waiting for her to want it a little more.

To be honest i want to head for the hills, but i'll be trapped financially because of our daugther. We love each other still very much but what gives? as well as my life would be complete if i had a girl on the side. This is something that i never wanted to do or plan on doing but again, what gives? I want my wife but??? now if i cheat, and get caught...i'm the , the pig...family members will look down upon me but really if they knew the entire story than they and society would think differently.

i don't know what to do...don't want to be "that guy" on ashely madison but i could see it happening and never wanted it too.

i frequently let her know, i say nice things...etc...she is not getting out of the house because we do not have a lot of options, her mom passed away and everybody on my side can do no good? mind you my mom has had 5 kids and we all turned out very well, unlike her side....she is nuts i think? LOL

I was feeling sorry for you and being understanding until you said you wanted to leave her because she doesn't have a sex drive and the calling her nuts. Maybe she's put off by you being so insensitive. Chances are that she's well aware that it's not normal and it probably bugs her too.
Go get the condoms and set the mood. Make her feel pretty and love and all that stuff. You may want to do something special and make her feel attractive a couple of times before expecting sex to come out of the deal otherwise she'll see it for what it is and it will only make her more upset.

Do you help with that baby? Is she stressed? Do the two of you get any alone time? When is the last time you went on a date together?

agreed sometimes i am insensitive....i do help out wit the baby more than any of my friends with kids.

So Sourpuss, this question is for you:

1) should i cheat and continue to be with my wife and daughter

2) should i tell her i want to have a divorce because i want to go clean my pipes

assuming everyting else has been done....all of your suggestions, communication, therapy, medication etc blah blah

Let me stop you right there..... you already know that cheating is absolutely NOT the answer. You know that. There is never, and I mean, never ever an excuse for that. But you already know this.......so get that thought out of your head for it will do nothing but be counterproductive for you.

She doesn't want to get pregnant. Some women don't like being pregnant......love the result, but not the process. The body goes through SO much and that's only half of it....not even considering what the mind goes through. So you want to have sex with her, but you're offering no form of protection? So what does this mean for her? "Here I am up to my elbows in diapers and poop and he is willing to take the chance to get me pregnant again right now?". Let me assure you the VERY thought of that for some women is enough to make them not want sex. She shouldn't have to tell you to go get condoms.......... right?

Your baby was born in November. You say the last time you tried to initiate sex was 6 months ago, so around February. Most doctors will tell a woman NO intercourse for at least 6 weeks after the birth. So really, from Mid-December to February you weren't getting laid. So she, at best, had 2.5months after going through childbirth before you "gave up". Doesn't sound so good when you think of it like that does it?

If you went through a time period where you had ED and couldn't get it up, lost your self esteem and interest in sex.... would you want: A. Your spouse to be understanding, patient, communicate with you and let you know they love you regardless.....or B. A spouse who uses it as an excuse to cheat?

Maybe a woman doesn't totally understand a mans need for sex. Women have needs too. Men, however, do not understand what a woman goes through during pregnancy and for the first few years even, after giving birth.

So she doesn't have a sex drive. Happens to lots of people at different points in life. (Sorry, we can't be sex machines ALL the time.) Within 3 months after giving birth, you stopped trying to initiate sex with her at all, you "gave up"...even though she has been vocal about the fact that she does NOT want to get pregnant again (and you don't have to have your period to get pregnant....)and you're offering no form of protection. And now you're financially "trapped" because of this baby (wtf?) so you think you might end up being forced to commit adultery.

Read that back to yourself and see what that sounds like to you......... because that is exactly what you've just told us.