Huge Problem - Sex only once every 3 months, and she still hates it

**mollsav** · 08-13-2010 06:10 PM

Hi everyone. I know this is a women's forum, but I really just need some advice from a woman's point of view, and after reading some of the posts here, I think that for the most part I will get understanding and mature responses.

Here is the problem. My wife and I have been married about 6 years. There is an age gap - I'm in my early 30's and she is in her mid-40's. The age thing doesn't bother me at all. She is hot and sexy and very fun to be around. She's my best friend. BTW - She has not had menopause yet, and gets regular periods, so I think everything works okay. She has been told, however, that she has a "tipped uterus" or something like that.

When we were dating, we had sex practically every time we saw eachother. We couldn't get enough. We had a lot of quickies, oral, and manual. We'd make out at a park and she'd go crazy with my hands going up her shirt or down her shorts.

However, almost immediately after we got married, sex became MUCH less exciting and creative. For example, while dating she'd ask me to insert a lubed finger up her anus while penetrating her normally during sex, and as soon as we got married, I tried doing it and she said, "No, not this time," and she never did it again.

The past 5.5 years have been agony. After practically begging her once in a while, she will finally give in and have sex about 1 time every 3 or 4 months. Many of those times she literally says, "Fine, just hurry up." During sex, she masturbates her clit and gets off that way, and I can tell she enjoys it, but she just doesn't want to do it anymore. Immediately after sex she will get up and wash herself and then do chores around the house.

When we talk about it, she says that she finds sex to be painful, and doesn't look forward to it. She will not let me go all the way in. I am a bit big, I'll admit, but I'm not a foot long. Maybe 7.5 inches, maybe a bit more. So I go in about halfway. We've tried TONS of lube, and she still says it hurts. She will not try doggy or on top, because she says it's too tight or I go in too deep.

A month ago, we had a long conversation about it and she genuinely felt bad about the situation. For our anniversary (last month), she actually took the time and made a kind of "sex board game" and we had a few beers, played the game, and had some great foreplay. I could tell she really liked it. But since then, she has not had the least bit of interest.

I'm not a guy that is all into me-me-me. I want to put her pleasure before mine. I love watching her face while she brings herself to orgasm during sex. I can hold off until she has a few of them. I am very willing to do foreplay as long as it takes. I LOVE giving oral, but since we got married she thinks it's disgusting and will never let me do it to her.

I just don't know what to do!!

I'm very sorry that this post is soooo long. I'm just at a dead end. I bought a book on Amazon called "The Sex-Starved Marriage", and it is written for both the high-libido partner and the low-libido partner. I hope she reads it with me, but I don't think it will change much. For me, the ideal would be good fun sex 3 or 4 times a week. For her, honestly, it would be either never or maybe 1 or 2 times per year. She doesn't masturbate either. Neither do I, except on rare occasions when I get too frustrated.

Help!!

P.S: Last night I told her I was really sexually frustrated, and sometimes she will give a very uninterested handjob, where her facial expression is "Come on already, hurry up, I want to go to sleep!", but instead, she said, "Just use my backside if you want." I literally put some oil on me and just masturbated against her on a towel! I know, it's ridiculous, and it would be a hilarious scene in a Woody Allen movie if it wasn't true. I felt like such a pig afterwards.

**mollsav** · 08-13-2010 09:53 PM

I really do appreciate the views, but no one has any advice?

**WildChild** · 08-13-2010 10:55 PM

Does she offer any explaination as to why there was this big change?

**Mes T** · 08-13-2010 11:21 PM

I think that's what's stumping people who read your post, how the heck was there this night-and-day change?? I mean if it were gradual, that'd be one thing. If she had ALWAYS shown a certain disinterest in sex, and it just started to come out more after marriage, that'd be an easier issue to understand.

Have you asked her if she was possibly faking her enthusiasm while you were dating?

Has anything major happened in her life around the time you got married?

**rcoreyus** · 08-13-2010 11:22 PM

A sadly familiar problem. Lots of posts on this forum from men and women whose partners don't want sex. You probably aren't getting many replies because it has been discussed so much that people are exhausted. There have been several suggestions, work for some people not for others.

Do you have any feeling as to why he attitude / behavior changed? The sudden change when you were married (if that is what happened) sounds worrisome.

In my case the decline in our sex life was very gradual, but over 25 years went from moderately frequent and very passionate and exciting to once a month or two and very dull and repetitive. I haven't been able to figure out anything to do about it. I'm sorry to hear you are in this sort or situation, its really miserable. Sadly it may not get any better.

**Hopeless Dork** · 08-14-2010 12:24 AM

Wow... so the timing of the decline really happened directly after marriage? Did she have pain during sex before marriage or did the pain start on the honey moon? I'm trying to get an idea if you mean sex has declined over time or if you trully mean you said "I do" and directly after she no longer wanted sex.

Do you guys have kids? Did she get pregnant after you got married? YOu didn't mention but I think advice to your situation would be different whether or not there are kids in the picture etc, if she has that saintly mother syndrome, etc...

Did anything change in her health to cause the sudden pain in sex? Maybe she hasn't gone through menopause but could she be pre-menopausal? (lol duh, i mean all women that havent gone through menopause yet are technically "pre-menopausal"... i just mean could she be exhibiting some early signs? Some women start having trouble years before it and require medicine to help with the process. I have a friend that went through menopause at 33... which is rare, but happens)Does she have a high pressure job? Have you changed at all in the relationship? Are there things you did before that you dont anymore that maybe turned her cold? Have you guys had any issues with infidelity?

Does she have any body insecurities? Has she gained/lost weight? Does she see herself beautiful and sexy? Does she get dolled up?

Is she going through any signs of depression? Any signs of mania? Does she sleep a lot or too little? Are there other activities she has lost interest in besides sex?

Do you guys fight often?

Whats she like outside of sex? Is she affectionate, loving?

Do you make her feel special and appreciated?

I know you are looking for some advice here and there are numerous things to suggest, a little back story on your relationship prior to the change in her drive, at the time of the change, whether or not it was a steady decline or just a sharp drop off... and what her life is like now, how busy she is, how stressed etc... could help provide some insight to us on which would be the best direction to take.

For many women, feeling sexy is ESSENTIAL to wanting sex... a change in appearance, feeling down about ones self can kill off a drive. So my first suggestion is doing your level best to help boost her self - esteem.

Sure that has to come from within but there are things you can do to support that process:

Telling her she looks pretty, hot, sexy, noticing her outfits, complimenting her body ... not all just before sex, but randomly and frequently and at all times of the day. Checking her out , flirting with her.

Making her feel special, not paying attention to other women in front of her... even if just on tv or computer.. making her feel like she's the apple of your eye can go a long, long way.

Making sure she has adequate time to herself, when a person doesn't even have time to go for a run or get their nails done or focus some energy to a hobby... they mind find it hard to even recognize your needs if they don't have the time to meet their own...

Encouraging her to take a bubble bath, giving her a relaxing back rub with no pushing for sex, just giving her pleasure.. A foot rub after work or exercise... etc etc.. Pampering in general can make a person feel relaxed.

If you guys have kids or she has lots of chores, spend a day of the week helping ease her load, doing some things for her so that she has a little more free time, 1. she will appreciate it, 2. it will help her with any stress and 3. It will free her up to develop some energy.

Try new stuff... if your sex is routine, don't depend on her soley to spice it up, you can spice it up... send her a naughty email reminding her of a hot encounter you guys had, be descriptive in all the things you loved about it.

For most women the majority of arousal takes place in the mind... thats why so many women read sex books instead of look at porn for their dirty treat. Giving her something to think about and fantasize about will help her to simmer.

Act like you are dating, treat her like you are dating and still trying to woo and impress... open the doors for her, pick her up some flowers, take her to her favorite restaurant or for a walk in the evening....

Take an interest in something she likes, let her feel connected to you, sometimes when a woman feels an emotional disconnect.. the sexual disconnect follows.

Those are just some random ideas but some more info from you can help us all to be more specific!

**mollsav** · 08-14-2010 06:57 AM

All right, some more specifics.. .

The pain, she says, has always been there. She just says that since whenever you date someone new, you always try things you would not otherwise do, it’s a thrill, and so the pain is ignored, basically. Now that we’ve been married 6 years, the thrill is pretty much gone. Totally gone.

We have never had kids. We have 2 dogs. More on that in a bit.

As far as her health is concerned, she has always had a bit of anxiety. When we got married she got on Paxil. Yes, I know Paxil is a drive killer. But she is on a VERY low dose. She is prescribed 1 pill per day, but takes ½ a pill every 3 days. She will not get off it, and doesn’t want to switch to another brand. And if she does not take it for more than 1 week, she goes nuts and rips into me for every little thing.

I haven’t really changed all that much, either in personality or physically. We have never cheated on each other. I do not look at women when I’m with her, I don’t look at porn, I don’t make comments about any other woman.

She does have insecurities with her body. She thinks she is fat. I tell her she is not. (she’s not). I tell her she is gorgeous and beautiful and sexy. She doesn’t believe me. Whenever she has her top off, I look at her and say, “Wow, you are so gorgeous!” And she gets annoyed and says, “Whatever,” and quickly gets dressed. She is slightly depressed. I ask her why, and she says she doesn’t know. She sleeps a good 8 to 9 hours per night. She hasn’t really lost interest in other activities.

We don’t fight that often, except over this issue about 1 time per month or 1 time per 2 months. Outside of sex, she is not affectionate or loving at all. I think it’s the way she grew up. She was not sexually abused, but her parents split up when she was little and they constantly talked bad about the other one. There was very little physical affection, if any. Sex, to her, is either a chore or something she needs the 1 or 2 times she gets horny per year. It’s not a bonding experience, she doesn’t like to cuddle afterwards, she doesn’t like any of the “mushy ”. Although she loved these types of things when we were dating. After sex, we’d lie in each other’s arms for an hour and then go at it again.

I do try to make her feel special. If she’s had a stressful day at work, I will run her a bath with candles around it, make her her favorite tea, all ready when she gets home. I will also give her a foot massage with some oil. This relaxes her until she falls asleep. But I have to reassure her that I’m not angling for sex before she will let me massage her.

For some reason, this did all start pretty much as soon as we got married. I often tell her that I feel like sex is very important, because it’s something that connects us, that we don’t do with anyone else, and it makes me feel like she cares about and loves me. She says that she proves she loves me by making me dinner and working to help pay the bills.

I try boosting her self-esteem by telling her how hot she is, and she thinks I’m being a pervert or lying. I do this at different times of the day, and in places where she wouldn’t expect I want to have sex.

I work online in the legal field. I don’t work from home, I go out to Borders or the Library (I go stir-crazy at home). So I come home before she gets out and make sure the place is clean, the dishes are washed, and do at least 1 load of laundry. She will notice sometimes and say “The house looks nice” but that’s it. The free time she has as a result she spends watching TV or reading.

I have thought of spicing things up. She thinks its perverted to suggest something or to send her a racy text. She once took a picture of her and her friend and sent it to me, so that I could send it to a friend of mine that her friend was interested in, and I said, “I’ll have to cut you out of it because you are way too hot. You make her look bad.” She didn’t respond and never brought it up.

As far as acting like we’re dating, I would LOVE to do that, but it’s impossible. This brings up the 1st of 2 reasons I know are the root of this problem.

1. My paycheck is direct deposited into our joint account. She handles paying bills (she will NEVER let me do it, it’s the way she was brought up, her parents were anal and extreme about money matters). She will not let me have a debit card (again, her parent’s anal retentiveness makes her not trust anyone with money issues. She will not let me tell anyone how much she makes or what our mortgage is, because she thinks they will hit us up for money). She will only let me use HER credit card for pre-approved purchases. I have a credit card but she has hidden it and will only let me use it if the place I’m shopping at requires that my name be on the card.

Now, for a few months I simply had my job mail me a paper check. I cashed it at the currency exchange and kept about $100, depositing the rest in the account. She never suspected it wasn’t my job depositing it. This way I was able to occasionally buy her flowers, and for our anniversary I took her to a nice restaurant and bought her an amazing bouquet of roses. She asked me where I got the money and I said that I had saved it from a long time ago. She believed me.

I stopped doing it though, because I don’t like being deceitful and I felt I was lying to her.

So now my conscience is clean, but I cannot do the “romantic things” like buying her flowers, even a card telling her how much I love her (I did for our anniversary, and she thought it was too “mushy”), taking her to a movie, or taking her to a restaurant.

2. Our 2 dogs. I love our two princessy lap dogs, don’t get me wrong, but whenever she comes home they are all she cares about. She will sit on the couch and one or both of those dogs will be with her. If I move one of them to sit next to her, she will go “Awwww!” and get annoyed. Also, at night, those dogs will lie all over us. One lies near my head and the other one is right between us. I am scolded if I move one of them. There is no cuddling at night. Once she cuddles with the dogs, she then rolls over on her side away from me and goes to sleep. This has been a point of contention between us, but she won’t change it.

During a few conversations, she will say that she isn’t interested in sex because I’m not “romantic”. I ask her to explain. She says that when we dated, I would sit next to her and hold her hand and play with it, and this would turn her on. Also that I would look at her a certain way, buy her flowers, etc. I tell her the above 2 reasons on why this isn’t happening ( dogs won’t let me sit next to her, no $$ to treat her to something nice), and she gets mad and says I’m whining like a little girl.

Also, she will not french kiss. Only lips. Only in the morning when I drop her off at work and when I pick her up. She just won’t do it. I know it’s not my breath. I vigorously brush and mouthwash and all that . I don’t eat unhealthy foods, drink a lot of water, and exercise regularly. I’m not fat at all, but I’ve recently joined a gym to bulk up a bit and be more appealing to her. I told her my motive for doing it and she didn’t say anything in response.

Adultery is not an option. Yeah, I could get sex from some tramp home-wrecker somewhere, but then the rest of my life would suck and I would lose the one person I have ever really loved. I just don’t know what to do. I hate this.

**Mes T** · 08-14-2010 07:35 AM

The way you describe things, it's hard for me to see where there is love at all.

If showing plain ol' affection toward each other is not an option, how is your relationship different that living with simply a roommate?

It seems to me her image of what it is to love a partner is severely skewed. On top of everything, she values the dogs more than she values you..? I'm not sure if you have the ability to make her see the "light" so to speak. I think this may be something to see a counselor about. Have you ever discussed that?

**mollsav** · 08-14-2010 07:55 AM

Yeah, I've brought up counseling before. We can't really afford it, I guess. She says, "Fine, but you pay for it," which, given the credit card/ debit card situation, means, "No."

I know that she cares about me, I mean she is not a shrew. Everything other than the physical affection area, she is great. She has a good sense of humor, she makes me laugh, we play games (non-sexual), we have great friends, we like doing things like rafting and camping when we're able to, and we have the same goals in life. So I can't say she doesn't love me. I just think that in the physical affection area, it's just miserable. It's like there is something missing in her. And every time we talk about it, I feel like it's my fault for not being romantic, but whenever I try, she either won't respond or my attempt is unsuccessful or impossible because of money/dogs. THIS SUCKS!!!

**Hopeless Dork** · 08-14-2010 09:29 AM

The situation you described is a very very controlling one. You are not seen or treated as an equal partner in this marriage. She gives you an allowance to money YOU make... and tells you what you can spend, when and how much.

She'll only have sex with you when SHE wants to, even if its only a couple times of year... if she's horny, sex is fine... if you're horny, too bad buster. At first I was thinking it was the depression or depression meds (both can lead to low drive) but then when you described the rest of the situation it doesn't sound so much like a sex drive issue... but a control one.

She's not affectionate, not sexual, not very giving, doesn't consider your needs, doesn't trust you with the money and who knows what else... so I have to ask you this:

Besides the memories of what your relationship use to be like (pre-marriage), and the fact you have that unconditional love one has with the person they commit to... what are some of the qualities about her that make you happy?

What does she do on a daily or semi-daily basis that makes YOU feel special, appreciated, loved?

In a relationship, you deserve to feel all of those things, along with trusted and respected, wanted and desired...It sounds like she has stripped away all the essentials of what makes a relationship and has it all boiled down to making you dinner makes her a loving wife. Uh... it doesn't.

It sounds like she has some deeply-rooted issues that are not going to magically resolve themselves, you have sat silent (to make her happy likely) and decided it wasn't worth the fight and relinquished your place as partner somewhere along the lines.

You provide your earnings, are not 'allowed' to spend your own money.... and she makes you dinner. That doesn't sound like much of a marriage.. there is no passion, no respect, no consideration of your feelings... at least from what you have writtten here.

She says she misses you being romantic, but doesn't allow you to be and rejects all forms it. So that sounds like more of an excuse and trying to make you feel like its your fault she's not intimate with you... and from everything you described -- it isn't.

Would you be happy spending the rest of your life having to hold your hand out and ask for everything you need and waiting for her approval or denial of purchases you want to make with your own hard earned money?

Would you be happy spending the rest of your life with no affection, no sex... for the exchange of dinner on time?

If this were just a funk she were going through is one thing... but it just doesn't sound like it is. You seem to be having a roomate, not a wife, but worse than a roomate because at least with a roomate you wouldn't have to ask to spend your own money.

It sounds like you really want this to work... so I would love to hear WHY? And I mean that with no offense... I just would love to know if there is anything about this relationship that genuinly makes you happy or if you are just surviving on memories of how things use to be and hoping that one day they can get there again.

I think a heart to heart with her is necessary... and not about the sex, but about being an equal in this relationship. She honestly told you when you said you needed to have a bond with her that making you dinner is her way of bonding? I would love to say something hopeful and encouraging to your situation...

But the info you provided has painted such a bleek and dismal picture. Are there any saving graces to this situation at all?