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Thread: i'm never in the mood for sex and it's ruining my relationship!

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    Question i'm never in the mood for sex and it's ruining my relationship!


    my boyfriend and i have been together for 8 months now, at first we had sex everyday, sometimes even more then once a day. for the past ... hmm 4 months i haven't been in the mood for sex, i don't crave it and i don't want it. now my boyfriend LOVES sex, he would do it 24/7 if he could. he's getting so upset because everytime he tries i make up some excuse so we don't have to do it. he thinks i don't love him because i don't want to touch him or that i don't find him attractive, which i do and any girl would agree, my boyfriend is gorgeous. i just don't know what to do because he gets really frustrated and then i give in and do it because i feel bad for taking something away that he loves. i'm scared he will go look for sex elsewhere, i know he loves me but he doesn't understand why i can't get in the mood to have sex. even when we do have sex i have to use a lot of lubricant because i just don't get turned on. i'm only 19 and i don't think it's very normal, i've never really been like this before, i used to love sex. someone please give me some ideas

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    WH Moderator & WINNER OF BEST THREAD MARCH & JUNE 2011- Don't mes with Mes T Array Mes T's Avatar
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    Are you on birth control? That can be a big sex drive killer for some women.

    And secondly does he bring you to orgasm? Do you masturbate yourself, and can you orgasm that way? One disappointingly common reason for some women losing interest in sex after a while is because they just don't get much pleasure out of it.

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    WH Head Moderator Array WildChild's Avatar
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    Mes has brought up the two big points that I would also look at. Over and over here we have had women find that the pill or some variation of hormonal BC has destroyed their sex interest - certainly an effective form of pregnancy control. You won't get pregnant if you don't have sex, but not very helpful to most women.

    How much foreplay is there? You can train your body to have sex pretty much any time without arousal but who really wants that? There is a concept I call keeping it jiucy, which involves learning to maintain a low level arousal all the time. When you are in a relationship this includes word play, little touches, looks, kisses, doing kegels every opportunity - just keep a touch of sex and sensuality in everything you do. The thing with males in this age group is that they have a tendency to jump on any time it seems you are receptive so you will have to explain this 'game' to him. He can help with this, big time. A little neck nuzzle, compliments, develop your own verbal and physical sex arousal language (many couples do this naturally as they spend time together). If you can learn this you will both be better lovers for the future.

    Make a game of seeing how long you can prolong just making out. Can you get each other, especially you, to cum using only hands or tongue or just by very senuous kissing. Yes, you can cum just from kissing. Can you get him to cum fully clothed? No hands? This can be a lot of fun and you will learn a lot about arousal and each others responses.

    But check out the BC theory too.
    We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer

  4. #4
    WH Super Moderator Array Hopeless Dork's Avatar
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    Whether or not he's gorgeous to the whole world doesn't matter to him, he wants to feel attractive to YOU... you are the one he loves. When one partner all of a sudden doesn't want to have sex with the other it can create HUGE insecurities... can make them feel unwanted, like there is something wrong with them.. like if only they were this or that you'd want to have sex with them. It can cause depression... and a great need to feel validated. You are right for your concern that he may look for attention elsewhere.

    Not necessarily to cheat, but to feel like he is still worthwhile as a sexual person to someone, if not you. Feeling like your partner isn't turned on by you is a self-esteem crusher. No matter what you look like and no matter if you are the real problem or not, you feel like you are. And you might think you giving him a bone every now then (pun not intended) and saying, fine here... have sex with me, i don't want it, but you want it so bad, there take it... is enough to satisfy him, but its likely only going to make him feel worse.

    No one feels great about pity sex, no one wants to feel like someone is making love to them out of charity and not desire.

    That being said, you shouldn't do things you don't want just to keep him, but if he's a sexual person and your not, you have to think long and hard about whether or not its fair to him to have to feel so rejected so often.

    If there is something medically, emotionally blocking you from having sex, you need to for sure communicate to him and reassure him that you love him and want him as badly as you always did... he needs that validation that you haven't lost your spark for him.

    Do see your doctor, if you are on birth control...perhaps there is something else you can take that will have less of an impact on your drive/lubrication issue. Are you on anti-depressents? If not are you depressed? Both of those things can affect drive. Are you sleeping and eating enough? Do you have a lot of stress or pressure right now?

    Does he please you sexually? Does he have the ability to make you orgasm? Have you ever had one? Do you masturbate? I would suggest trying to get your mind in the mood for sex more frequently... masturbate a little in the shower in the mornings, etc... for most women the longer they go without orgasms and feeling sexual the less important it becomes to them... the more they have sex or masturbate, the more they want it.

    Try getting yourself in a sexy frame of mind even when you are not about to have sex... think of things that turn you on and let that simmer and stick with you. There is no harm in using lube to get the ball rolling, don't let that make you feel like you wont enjoy things.

    If he isn't meeting your needs, open up to him about what you'd like to feel before during or after sex, I'm sure he'd be willing to do anything you think would get you more in the mood.
    Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.

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