Thread: My boyfriend doesnt want to have sex with me

Hello everyone i have been with my boyfriend for 1,5 years hes 23 and im 19 he lives in Denmark and i lived in Belgium but i moved here 3 weeks ago.. we used to have sex 3 times a day but after a few months it went down to every 2 days and now its only 1 or 2 times during the weekends if i take the innitiative.. when i try to turn him on during weekdays he just pushes my hand away or says he has work tomorrow (even if its 2pm during that time) yesterday i was sitting next to him while he was looking at stuff on the computer and he quickly closed the images folder so i know this was wrong but i got curious and looked at what is in there and discovered a girls picture of her back naked with a gstring on that has been there since 2007.. i think its his ex because he had a girlfriend then but she cheated on him so he broke up with her and thats why i know he isnt cheating on me because he hate ppl that cheat on him and it really hurt him... he says he loves me and he asked me to move in with him and says im the one for him and hes finally found someone to settle down with etc but when i ask him about why he doesnt want sex with me he says its cause hes tired or hes not used to doing it alot after being single for a year but we have been together for 1,5 year now so shouldnt he be used to it again by now? i have also discovered some porn movies on his computer.. i think he watched those when i was still lviing in Belgium.. i dont know what to do it makes me feel very unattractive hes also this macho type of guy that doesnt show his feelings alot so its hard for me to talk about it with him because im not sure if he would even care i also feel like i dont know wether he would care if we ever broke up or not

I'm guessing while you guys were apart he got dependent on satisfying his only sexual needs with masturbation and porn. Now he has you, but he finds the ease , no fuss no muss, no performance anxiety easy biz of masturbation to porn is still a reliable outlet for his releases. This has nothing to do with you or how much he's into you, this is selfishness, lazyness and habit.

You have to talk to him about how you feel... how you want to feel wanted by him, how you want to be the one that pleases him when he has sexual energy. If he is masturbating in the morning when he gets up, then you start groping him at 2pm... he will not be in the mood because his needs are met already by himself... he probably doesn't realize how important him having sex with you is to you, not just for your own sexual desires but to feel wanted and close to him.

You should just have an open talk with him about his sexual needs, how often he feels the need to have an orgasm (not sex... because some guys don't associate their masturbation habits with sex.. they think... oh i only need sex once a week, while needing to masturbate once a day. They don't realize that if they didnt masturbate every day they'd want sex more than once a week). So talk to him about how often he needs to have an orgasm, talk to him about whether or not he feels bored or uncomfortable during your sex, if there are things he would like you to try... etc.

Find out if you guys are just on different schedules... maybe he's horniest in the mornings when you arent... then he masturbates, then your horny later and he's not... because hes drained of his energy... try to see if you guys just have your clocks crooked and see if you can adjust them so that you can meet in the middle.

I know how much this hurts your feelings... I've been down this road before. Don't let it make you feel undesirable, you aren't... you just need to talk to him about this, if he cares about you ... he's going to want to make you feel better... he's going to want to work with you on this. If he doesn't... then you know where you stand with him.

Let him know sex doesn't always have to be some passionate 2 hour session, that you'd be fine with occasional heated quickies... or pleasing him in other ways (if you are fine with that) when he is too tired to perform etc...

Let him know how happy it would make you to be the one making him feel good... maybe he doesn't even realize.

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

I'm guessing while you guys were apart he got dependent on satisfying his only sexual needs with masturbation and porn. Now he has you, but he finds the ease , no fuss no muss, no performance anxiety easy biz of masturbation to porn is still a reliable outlet for his releases. This has nothing to do with you or how much he's into you, this is selfishness, lazyness and habit.

You have to talk to him about how you feel... how you want to feel wanted by him, how you want to be the one that pleases him when he has sexual energy. If he is masturbating in the morning when he gets up, then you start groping him at 2pm... he will not be in the mood because his needs are met already by himself... he probably doesn't realize how important him having sex with you is to you, not just for your own sexual desires but to feel wanted and close to him.

You should just have an open talk with him about his sexual needs, how often he feels the need to have an orgasm (not sex... because some guys don't associate their masturbation habits with sex.. they think... oh i only need sex once a week, while needing to masturbate once a day. They don't realize that if they didnt masturbate every day they'd want sex more than once a week). So talk to him about how often he needs to have an orgasm, talk to him about whether or not he feels bored or uncomfortable during your sex, if there are things he would like you to try... etc.

Find out if you guys are just on different schedules... maybe he's horniest in the mornings when you arent... then he masturbates, then your horny later and he's not... because hes drained of his energy... try to see if you guys just have your clocks crooked and see if you can adjust them so that you can meet in the middle.

I know how much this hurts your feelings... I've been down this road before. Don't let it make you feel undesirable, you aren't... you just need to talk to him about this, if he cares about you ... he's going to want to make you feel better... he's going to want to work with you on this. If he doesn't... then you know where you stand with him.

Let him know sex doesn't always have to be some passionate 2 hour session, that you'd be fine with occasional heated quickies... or pleasing him in other ways (if you are fine with that) when he is too tired to perform etc...

Let him know how happy it would make you to be the one making him feel good... maybe he doesn't even realize.

I have asked him before if he still loves me and if im still attractive to him and he said yes but i cant be sure wether hes telling the truth or not i guess.. and then theres that picture of that girl who i think is his ex on his computer.. i feel like i cant confront him with that because i would have to say ive been going through his files then it makes me feel like he still misses her but theres also pictures of me and him in that folder wich makes it ironic..

I have pictures of an ex-girlfriend around, because she was a part of my life for a long time, and I still like her - we parted as friends.
But I'd never prefer spending time looking at her picture to being with an actual real live woman!
That is, as you suspect, not right!
I echo what H. Dork says; talk to him about it as she suggests. If he doesn't want to talk about, if he doesn't think the situatiion needs fixing, dump him!
- TR

Asking him if he finds you attractive or still loves you wont get to the root of the problem... which is the lack of sexual interest. I am sure he loves you and finds you attractive... but you are never going to feel that way to him while he is so distant sexually so thats the part you need to address... you don't need to talk to him abuot the girl in the folder... just talk about how often if he feels the need to orgasm, if he masturbates and if he could hold off on that so that you could please him more.

For the girl in the folder, guys always say its women that are so sentimental, but I've found some men can be like teenage girls with a crush saving notes ina shoebox when it comes to old girlfriends pictures. Even of girls that treated them horribly and didn't love them at all... its like a visual bedpost notch, or maybe they are holding them in case the girl ever becomes famous they can say looook, star magazine... i dated her!! lol... jk... but thats not all that far fetched.

I don't cling to images or gifts of people that have done me wrong and don't understand the thought process of the people willing to hurt the person that currently loves them to hold on to a tactile memory of someone that never cared. But *shrug* it is what it is.

Originally Posted by Texasred

I have pictures of an ex-girlfriend around, because she was a part of my life for a long time, and I still like her - we parted as friends.
- TR

Clarification: The ex-gf whose pictures I still have was never a gf in the sexual sense: we had a strictly non-sexual relationship. We were very good friends, and when she moved away, and even when I married, we stayed friends, though we haven't seen each other in nearly 20 years.

So I guess it's NOT really the same as I had kept an old lover's pictures around.

i asked him about it and he said a friend send it to him and he never cleans up his computer now its nowhere to be found i also asked him how often he needs to orgasm and he said about 2 times a week.. i know he hasent been masturbating we live in an appartment so theres no seperate computer room he hasent watched porn on it and were always together hes also not doing it in the car cause he comes home straight from work and leaves here to be there only 2 minutes before he has to start working.. he also told me he hasent watched it since i moved here because hed rather do it with me so maybe hes just not that into it?

If you guys are having sex twice a week, thats actually not that far off the average sex rate of the typical couple. If you guys are spending every minute together except for when he's not working... maybe that is something that can be contributing to things going a bit stale... I love spending every waking moment with my guy, but I know we both need some time a part to be individuals at some point in the day. Work doesn't count... because you don't really get to be an individual there, most people don't anyway.

So its important to allow yourself some time to go the gym, or have coffee with a friend , or give him some guy time to play games etc... I think you can fall into a routine where things are all too predictable and if you are with each other every second... you don't get a lot of time to build up a desire -- I think thats what happens in a lot of marriages.

You each have to have sometime to persue individual interests, time for your professional / school stuff... and time together... and all of those things should be fairly evenly balanced. If you see each other first thing you wake up, last thing before bed, eat all your meals together, do all your shopping together are in each others sight at all times other than work ... it can I think have an impact on how excited you are to see each other. Know what I mean?

I'm not saying you have to be distant... but giving each other a little room to breathe can make you more appreciate the moments you spend together. If you are sure its not masturbation, it could just simply be complacency, predictabitlity etc... Maybe step outside the box a little bit and get frisky at a movie... or in the middle of him cooking dinner (make sure the stove is off!!).

Wear something you normally wouldn't... The same woman can give a man several different women to sleep with... and variety is the spice of life. You can be a demure flower one day a sultry vixen the next... maybe you guys just need a lil spice to break the routine of things... make things exciting again... etc.