Longtime boyfriend wont go down on me - frusterated and embarrassed

**Ohdearme** · 08-29-2010 12:16 AM

Hi everyone,

I am in a longtime relationship with my first and only boyfriend of 7 years. In that 7 years he has probably gone down on me that many times.

A little background: when we first got together he talked about how much he loved going down on women (he was a bit of a player back then) and he did go down on me a few times...but then stopped. The odd time he would go down and start but then be back up again. When I asked him he said he just didnt feel like it...okay...so a year or so passed..(him getting bjs ALL the time btw - I wasnt holding out to get mine or anything) We fought at one point and I asked him again and he said you smell I dont want to...maybe shower more often or shower right before sex every time and I will...So I did...I showered before sex and every day and I shaved and I stayed away from douches and he never went down even when I asked...

So I have just been waiting..its been years. Finally a few months ago he said he wanted to but then nothing came of it (I think he just wanted to get me a little more excited - lets just say Ive been getting tired of taking care of myself) So last week I finally broke down and told him my resentment and frusteration....I even cried! He then tells me no I dont smell that he needs to be in the mood for it..but he will try..I ask him to tell me what I can do to make it so that Im not "forcing him" (cause what kind of turnon is that? knowing your guy hates being down there?) And he says nothing just to stop asking him to do it..

So finally he offers to this week and Im so excited but scared..I tell him let me shower again but he says no no...so I let him go down and he starts but then he says there is some whitish discharge and he doesnt want to anymore )....Im so fricken embarrassed. I am 10 months post parduma nd havent yet had a real period...but I did have a little bleeding a few weeks ago for a day...I have no idea if it was normal discharge or if Im just disgusting (looked ina mirror after and I didnt see anything) I dont know what to do...

Does anyone have any advice? I feel so guilty and...disgusting. but I am so sexually frusterated. I literally want to cry. lol....I have no idea if there is anything left I can do.

**Hopeless Dork** · 08-29-2010 12:29 AM

Eeek hun, what a horrible situation. Sounds like your guy that was a 'bit of a player' was playing the role of also being a little more sexually adventurous than he actually was and is. Don't feel disgusting... if you havent seen any discharge, what he saw was likely the typical female arousal lubricant that naturally occurs in all women. For some women its clear, some a little whitish.. him being so squeemish about your vagina can't be great for your self-esteem. Go to a gyno and make sure you don't have any infections, yeast, none of that... if you feel uncertain. But him only going down a few times in 7 years , him telling you so rudely that you smell in the past etc... He sounds so immature , really.

Are there other things he tries to do to make you feel good that don't involve oral? Does he manually stimulate you? Would he use a toy on you? I'm wondering if its just a true aversion to oral sex or if he simply doesn't think your pleasure is a big deal. If its the latter you have a real problem. If its the former, you might have to accept that its not his thing but if he's at least open to trying OTHER methods of pleasuring you is whats a big deal or not.

**LanaBear** · 08-29-2010 12:48 AM

I agree with HD... It sounds like he was talking himself up a bit, to all the sudden go from a guy who loved oral to nothing.

He sounds rather selfish and I wonder, like HD, if he is even concerned with your pleasure.

How would he feel if, well, all of the sudden, he only got a blowjob once in a blue moon?

Go to the gyno, get yourself checked out, if anything for your own reassurance that you are not the disgusting woman that he so openly makes you feel like. He's obviously got vaginaphobia or something.

**jns** · 08-29-2010 01:44 AM

It sounds like this guy is not compatible with your desire for him to give you oral. If he is worried about visual sights, including a supposed whitish discharge, he should do it blindfolded. If it is an imaginary smell, perhaps a not too tight clothespin would work. Whats with these guys, they don't have clue about what they are missing. If you want it so bad, you may have to go outside of your relationship or get another guy altogether.

a guy

**Hooster** · 08-29-2010 01:57 AM

Oh, the horror... Sitting here with my jaw dropped and head shaking. You are a fantastic lady, Ohdearme and I am sorry he does not deserve you. When he did go down on you, did you have an orgasm?

Many men think that going down on a woman is the crowning glory of sex. I have been so excited by it that I have had an orgasm without even touching myself while performing oral.

Visual sights, smells and even discharge are a wonderful part of the experience. The discharge is most probably just your natural lubrication.

Do not go to a doctor because this character says you have a discharge. Only go if you have a GOOD reason to think there is actually something wrong with you. The person who needs a doctor is your bf because he has a phobia that is having a negative effect on his life and yours.

**angel wings** · 08-29-2010 03:00 AM

you poor thing, i feel upset for you, sometimes males are so insensitive to anyones needs but theyre own.....and im sure he wouldnt like it at all if he wasnt getting bjs from you...and u shouldnt have to feel that you have to be showering before and after sex in fear that you smell down there, its ridiculous......does he shower before you give him bjs....and really if its not his thing to do then he should be open and tell you this and not have lied and says he loves it in the first place...dont you for one minute think its you..

**sallywi2003** · 08-29-2010 07:56 PM

I would tend to agree with the rest. It sound like he talks big and proobably has not done oral sex on a women very often. There are natural scents that come from the vagianal area and that is the way it is I would not take a shower unless there is a reason to take a shower. I would make sure you don;t have a yeast infection but otherwise I would continue to work on this issue. In the meantime work on different types of foreplay to help.

**Texinator** · 08-29-2010 08:35 PM

Originally Posted by Ohdearme

I feel so guilty and...disgusting.

I don't see why you should. There is nothing dirty about a vagina or about making love to one. I reckon your boyfriend is the one with the problem. He sounds like he talks a big game but can't follow up on those promises, so maybe you should tell him it's time to nut up or shut up. You deserve to have someone appreciate ALL of you.

**Ohdearme** · 08-29-2010 10:34 PM

I really appreciate the support - thank you guys. I think Im going to have to go to a gynocologist just to confirm everything is normal...I do get extremly lubricated fast (there really doesnt have to be any foreplay which I think has its downfalls ) and I dont know if he ever dealt with someone who did. He did tell me his previous girlfriends/dates he never saw discharge.

See what happened last night is he asked for a bj and I asked him if he could take care of me - he said we will see and so I "delayed" anything and then he said nevermind. (Im sorry if this is runon Im typing quick to get this out) I didnt want to give in to what he wanted and give him a bj cause I was still upset about the other day when he said no go do to my secretions..so I just sat in the loveseat and he then piped up. "take care of your and I will try going down on you again." And later that night I posted here (the rest is history)

I spoke with him again today about it and he seemed willing to "work" with me..he said he wanted to make me happy and figured it wasnt that important to me as I didnt broach the subject much until this last little while...He told me that I shouldnt give him any oral until I next get mine...I dont know if I can even do that. I like to give him pleasure..for the most part. lately I have been really resentful and angry at time when he asks me to go down on him. Not all the time but Id say its reached 40% of the time (I probably give him head a few times a week but usually only in foreplay now - not too many complete just blowjobs - maybe once every other weekend? I used to do it a few times a week...I miss that. I miss not being angry) How healthy is this? lol..

I really hope I can turn this around. I love him a lot. Weve been through a lot. It wouldnt be so bad if I didnt know what I was missing I guess.

Has anyone gone to a gyno to check up and make sure things are...normal and "fresh"? Does this even constitute me getting an appointment? I have no idea what to say...

**LanaBear** · 08-29-2010 10:42 PM

Originally Posted by Ohdearme

I really appreciate the support - thank you guys. I think Im going to have to go to a gynocologist just to confirm everything is normal...I do get extremly lubricated fast (there really doesnt have to be any foreplay which I think has its downfalls ) and I dont know if he ever dealt with someone who did. He did tell me his previous girlfriends/dates he never saw discharge.

My guess is your 'discharge' is actually your arousal, your own lubricating juices flowing. If he's never seen 'discharge' than he hasn't orally pleasured many women.

IF you want to go in to the Dr., just go in for a check up. When was your last pap? Even if it is to tell you bf, yep, Dr said everything was a-okay, the discharge is absolutely normal, no excuses now buddy.