Empty sex in my marriage

**tesoro** · 09-04-2010 09:52 PM

My husband was encouraging me to fantasize about having sex with other men...actually he was fantasizing aloud about that each and every time we were having sex. He went as far as convincing me that he had arranged for an acquaintance of his to have sex with me while he watched. Needless to say, our sex began to feel very "empty" for me. He did not respect my wishes that we try to have romantic sex instead of all this lustful, kinky stuff he seemed to be hooked on. He told me the reason he did not behave romantically in the bedroom was because he noticed that talking dirty was the only way to arouse me to the level he wanted. Needless to say, our problems in the bedroom have ended up in our separating. I realize now that he was very controlling in many ways and that I allowed it to happen for too long. I was molested several times as a child and I wonder if that had an affect on my tolerance of his fantasies. I even tried to get into it myself but found that it just made me feel bad about myself.

**jns** · 09-04-2010 10:44 PM

Did you have orgasms and if so by what means? Did he spend time making sure you had sexual pleasure?

**caterpillar79** · 09-04-2010 10:57 PM

Have you gone to therapy or counseling for the childhood molestation thing? If not, it would probably nice to start that in order to really deal with how you 'feel about yourself', and in turn would help you be more assertive so that you won't allow anyone, not even your partner to trample your dignity and self - respect.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-05-2010 12:06 AM

the reason he did not behave romantically in the bedroom was because he noticed that talking dirty was the only way to arouse me to the level he wanted

I think if a person refused to compromise and also be what "you" want, in the bedroom then yes, you are right that is controlling...

I was molested several times as a child and I wonder if that had an affect on my tolerance of his fantasies. I even tried to get into it myself but found that it just made me feel bad about myself.

I agree with Cat, the only way you can answer how you really feel about what happened to you when you were young and I am so sorry that you had to go through that, is to speak to a professional and let it all come out and see what matches, and what doesn't and work through it.

From what you have said, it sounds more like you were trying to understand why what happened to you happened, perhaps you felt it was normal for a woman to accomodate men's fantasties, ultimately however, you felt bad, not you, not what you want at all, you want romance and from that can I say to you that absolutely there are men out there that will give that to you.. That is more the normal than a man whom takes, abuses, controls and doesn't listen to any of your wants and needs...

I am glad that you have separated and I hope you stay with us and talk more, you never know even the comfort of people being there for you could help you through the separation and give you some insight and support that you need.

CW

**Hopeless Dork** · 09-05-2010 12:49 AM

I think you went well above the call of duty by indulging his fantasy in the first place, thats the sign of a real 'team player' of a partner... HOWEVER... the other part of being a 'team player' is once a partner has attempted to please and decide its not for them... the other partner should not only accept it, but show their appreciation for their partner at least giving it a shot before just assuming they won't like it.

I think you tried, you didn't like it and he should accept it and move on. Him pressuring to do something after he's been indulged and know for a fact its not what you want is so completely selfish.

He THINKS its what arouses you most... but thats all apart of his fantasy... he wants to think it arouses you. With everything you've been through there are different triggers that will affect you sometimes. Someone that hasn't been through what you have can't possibly understand the range of emotions and how they can change from one session to the next... what may turn you on one time, may make you feel extremely uncomfortable another time... and guilty feelings , feeling bad about yourself are all par for that post abuse history course... and you need a husband that can be supportive of that.

You didn't ask for the hand you were dealt, and the good parts of you, the bad parts of you and the broke parts should all be loved equally, cherished and your feelings protected. I'm glad that you stood up for yourself and are sticking to your guns. If you thought up some wild fantasy that hurt his feelings and he wasn't into it... you wouldnt put him through something emotionally damaging -- he needs to provide that same courtesy to you.

**tesoro** · 09-05-2010 09:37 AM

Good question, jns.
Yes, I occasionally had orgasm. However, if I did not, he would feel that I wasn't into him. As a result, I often felt "pressure" to have orgasm even though I expressed that it was fine if I didn't and that I could still have a good experience w/o one.

caterpillar79, This has gone on for several years and it wasn't until recently that I was diagnosed with depression and went for counselling. Through this counselling, I was able to realize that I was unhappy in my marriage in many area and that I had accommodated my husband for a very long time on different levels. I learned that I have always taken on too much responsibility for the happiness of others and have put myself last. I recognized that I had lost myself and am now trying hard to put my own needs first regardless of the pressure I may feel to do so otherwise.

CHANDLERSWISH, Through counselling I have discovered that I went from a controlling father to a controlling partner and have been dealing with this type of personality all my life. I met my husband at a very young age and was also married young. It's funny, while I was raising our children, working etc., I was so consumed by my busy life that even though I knew I was unhappy, I didn't know the reason. My husband convinced me that my unhappiness came from my dysfunctional family and from my abusive father. He did not respect my feelings about many things and I just took it because I was used to it. Now I realize how awful that was and I am able to look at my life more objectively.

Hopeless Dork, You're absolutely right about those "triggers". I often felt confused about why something would turn me on at times and repulse me at others. And guilty feelings - I've had plenty of those and still do. I tolerated a lot because of my children and the desire to keep our family together. Now that my children are grown, I have been able to focus more on myself and my own needs.

I truly believe that adversity helps us to grow and mature as individuals. I also think the way we deal with challenges helps to build our character and reveals to ourselves who we really are. I cannot get back the many years I lost being unhappy but I can do something about my future so yes, I am sticking to my guns!