I can't get into anal, is there something I'm missing?

**WildChild** · 09-22-2010 06:31 PM

Originally Posted by Allie602

I have to add this its the way I feel
The most important thing for me is that, although I got responses to my post, I am sure many more read it. But no one thought to write and validate my feelings. No one acknowledged that I was hurt and my feelings about what happened to me and the effect on my life was wrong and the man was disgusting. .

Perhaps you need to read more closely.

"Any forcible sexual act is inappropriate and unacceptable, perhaps even vile. ... In is unfortunate that you had this negative experience with anal. I understand the pain associated with it, I had a similar first experience with anal but I was willing to try again later with a more caring partner and found it enjoyable then."

Your statement that it isn't possible to make a mistake with this, isn't correct. I've had it happen and if you are relaxed and not unaccustomed to having anal sex, it can happen.

I understand that you are seeking validation for your experience and obviously it was very traumatic for you and that man was very wrong in what he did. I am very sorry you had this experience. You didn't acknowledge that I was raped anally or had even so stated. It's in my past, I only shared it to let you know that you are not alone in having had this experience. I could assume that you are insensitive to others but I'm sure you aren't. To quote an earlier post, "You have to accept that some of the people posting are sharing their prospective which may or may not be faulty. It is not a club where we people only say what everyone wants to hear."

As for recommending a book, you made a statement regarding imagined affects of anal sex and said you awaited my answer. My answer was that this is an area you need some education and to suggest an informative book written by a well known sex therapist.

You are also looking for other men to act as surrogate for that man and to essentially applogize for his actions. You make a very sweeping generalizaton about men,
"If a man would acknowledge that I trusted because I had a natural desire to give and please, and not stupid and got what I deserved for not knowing the true nature of the male sex drive and lust."

I don't know what you regard as, "the true nature of the male sex drive and lust." but describing anal rape in those terms degrades all the men who are the vast majority, who do not behave in this manner. To expect good men to carry the responsiblity and blame for the behavior of the bad ones is not reasonable. I'm sure that the men here are fully repulsed by such behavior. Why don't you read my blog on rape? It includes stats on rape of males as well as females. You will learn that my experience with rape includes more and that I have moved past it. There are men here who have been molested, even raped, to lump all men together in this manner may reflect your trauma but is insulting to them.

You need to take a deep breath and remember that we all have our difficulties to learn from and through.

**Allie602** · 09-22-2010 07:46 PM

Originally Posted by WildChild

Perhaps you need to read more closely.

"Any forcible sexual act is inappropriate and unacceptable, perhaps even vile. ... In is unfortunate that you had this negative experience with anal. I understand the pain associated with it, I had a similar first experience with anal but I was willing to try again later with a more caring partner and found it enjoyable then."

Your statement that it isn't possible to make a mistake with this, isn't correct. I've had it happen and if you are relaxed and not unaccustomed to having anal sex, it can happen.

I understand that you are seeking validation for your experience and obviously it was very traumatic for you and that man was very wrong in what he did. I am very sorry you had this experience. You didn't acknowledge that I was raped anally or had even so stated. It's in my past, I only shared it to let you know that you are not alone in having had this experience. I could assume that you are insensitive to others but I'm sure you aren't. To quote an earlier post, "You have to accept that some of the people posting are sharing their prospective which may or may not be faulty. It is not a club where we people only say what everyone wants to hear."

As for recommending a book, you made a statement regarding imagined affects of anal sex and said you awaited my answer. My answer was that this is an area you need some education and to suggest an informative book written by a well known sex therapist.

You are also looking for other men to act as surrogate for that man and to essentially applogize for his actions. You make a very sweeping generalizaton about men,
"If a man would acknowledge that I trusted because I had a natural desire to give and please, and not stupid and got what I deserved for not knowing the true nature of the male sex drive and lust."

I don't know what you regard as, "the true nature of the male sex drive and lust." but describing anal rape in those terms degrades all the men who are the vast majority, who do not behave in this manner. To expect good men to carry the responsiblity and blame for the behavior of the bad ones is not reasonable. I'm sure that the men here are fully repulsed by such behavior. Why don't you read my blog on rape? It includes stats on rape of males as well as females. You will learn that my experience with rape includes more and that I have moved past it. There are men here who have been molested, even raped, to lump all men together in this manner may reflect your trauma but is insulting to them.

You need to take a deep breath and remember that we all have our difficulties to learn from and through.

You are right I completely glossed over your sharing your expereonce, I was too concentrated on what I was saying. It is unbearable to know that you endured this. I admire your strength of character and will to have gotten past this horrible experience. I think you have had a trauma that is worse than mine I was able to get this man to stop you were not. I really donot understand how you were able to be so forgiving that you can actually have the ability to defend good men.

I acknowledge that there are good men but it is difficult for me to have sympathy for them. I know this is a terrible feel about half of the human race and I have never expressed out loud. It really never came into my consciousness until you came to their defense in this post.

This I think is the worse of all of my thinking - I feel that even good men can easily become exploitive. I feel awful feeling that - if I could just feel differently, I think I could forgive myself.

If I could just feel that men are human and fallible just like me and need the same emotional support and love just like me, and mostly that good men are kind, giving, loving, protective and control and battle the same selfish urges that I do and they succeed as I have in my life. Maybe if I could put myself in their shoes and validate their struggles for understanding, feelings of hurt, feeling of being betrayed, validate the tremendous weight of being a man.

I never even thought of men as needing support and understanding but it occurs to me that they do. When you read your statement to the effect that I was asking all men to feel responsible for my pain it made me angry at first but now I think it is not fare or right to do so, but I will have to turn that thinking into really feeling it. Men are blamed for the evil of a few. I have read that some men are emotionally pained by being blamed and that they feel it in their relationships with women at times and maybe that's why they are sometimes reluctant to express themselves openly with women.

I know I should not have written this here because I have essentially highjacked this thread. It is selfish because I am really writing to myself and not writing to communicate with others. I won't post again to give the OP the ownership of the tread. Thank you for reading and I am sorry I say things that upset people.

I feel so bad thinking those things. I hope I will be able to post and share how I have made progress in the right direction.

**WildChild** · 09-22-2010 08:34 PM

I'm sure the OP will be fine with this. You are on a journey and it takes time. Perhaps it would help to stop thinking 'men' and think 'people'?

**Texinator** · 09-22-2010 09:02 PM

It goes both ways. There are enough women who are lying, manipulative, and vindictive, and view men as nothing more than objects to use for their personal gain. But it's not a matter of men or women but of people. Many are far from perfect.

I know it's not nice when I have to go up against insecurities brought on by men from a woman's past, but then I'd be lying if I said that my previous experiences with women never influence my attitudes and opinions. We all carry emotional baggage with us. The only thing we can do is to try to discard as much of it as possible and give new people in our lives a new chance. Just because a man or a woman wronged us in the past doesn't mean all men or women are like that, and it's unfair to transfer the sins of a few onto many innocents.

**Texinator** · 09-22-2010 09:03 PM

By the way, as Yakov Smirnoff might say, you don't get into anal sex, anal sex gets into you!

**rcoreyus** · 09-22-2010 11:12 PM

Most of the world's great evils come from judging a group by the actions of its members, or by judging its members by the actions of the group.

Unfortunately the basis if intelligence is recognizing patterns - it is what human brains do best. So when you are robbed and beaten by a couple of men from one ethnic group, it is natural to develop a fear / hate of that ethnic group

It is certainly true that some men are sexually abusive - I'm sure that many of the women on this forum have been abused or raped. Less well known is that a lot of the men have been as well - male on male rape is surprisingly common.

There are other forms of abuse: I once lurked on a board where a group of women were discussing how to trick their boyfriends into getting them pregnant so they wouldn't be able to leave. A particularly despicable trick since it involves an innocent child, and only works against an honorable man.

A special problem is that most people only have a few serious relationships in their lives. You don't get to date hundreds of men to find out what are the characteristics of an abuser. Some women are lucky enough to never meet an abusive man - and they will tend to assume its a rare problem. Others who may have run into 2 in a row and may assume all men are like that.

Finally different people enjoy different sex acts. Some women find anal extremely painful and can't imagine that any woman is doing this for her own pleasure. Others find it very arousing and think that all it takes is a bit of "practice". They are experiencing different things. Other fetishes are fun and exciting to some, degrading to others. Being tied to a bed, hit with a belt and forced to have sex is a nightmare for some people and an exciting fantasy for others.

So what to do:

Try to recognize abusive people in a relationship and leave as soon as possible. You need to believe that there are some good loving men out there, even if you haven't met any yet. Maybe you have been unlucky, maybe one of the things that you find attractive is associated (indirectly) with abusive behavior.

As far as sex, its worth trying lots of things - you never know what you will like - but try carefully and with someone you can trust to stop as soon as you don't like what is going on. Of course there are some things you know you won't like - but for others it is worth experimenting.

Mostly though - believe there are good people and don't settle for less.

**Allie602** · 09-23-2010 09:45 AM

Originally Posted by Tex

By the way, as Yakov Smirnoff might say, you don't get into anal sex, anal sex gets into you!

Tex it almost seems worth trying when you put it that way. You are really too too funny, thanks, I needed a good laugh my life is a mess right now.

**WildChild** · 09-23-2010 10:22 AM

Many people (women and men) find the pernium, the area between the base of the penis or the vulva and the anus, very responsive to touch or pressure. You could start with seeing what works there. The area around the anus is also loaded with nerve endings and can be very arousing without any penetration. Even if you aren't interested in anal sex, you can still include these in your touching and arousal. You may find that in a hyper aroused state, things that might otherwise not stimulate you, do. If you have clear boundries with your partner, that they and you, will keep things on the surface and not attempt any penetration, this safety limit may allow you to find this very arousing.

**Texinator** · 09-23-2010 10:28 AM

I think there is also a spot inside that is very pleasurable for some women because it actually puts pressure on a certain area of the vagina. But you don't need to insert a penis to reach that spot.. even a finger from him or her can do the trick.