Girlfriend doesn't want sex, she has no sex drive. We're both virgins. Any advice?

**Jim60** · 12-27-2010 04:24 AM

Sounds a lot like my first relationship - we took months to get beyond petting, and even when she took the decision to have full sex we had problems with penetration. This was probably a psycological issue, as she had never managed to use tampons without a struggle. This issue never really was completely resolved, probably because she had a relatively low level of desire - she would show real interest every month or so. The rest of the time she would give me oral or handjobs to keep me happy, but not want to be touched in return.

So there was always the tension of me wanting a lot more than she did which was not too much aof a problem in the early stages when love and optimism will carry you through most things, but when we settled down to real life and the usual stresses and strains it contributed to our growing unhappiness. I felt ignored and the little sex we had made her feel used as she didn't want or enjoy it. We broke up aftera few years.

It shocked me rigid when I picked up her copy of Cosmo and read her answers to a rate your bf type quiz - I came out pretty well, except in the "do you enjoy sex with him" bit. She ticked No - it was a real kick in the guts to see it on paper like that. Talking it over didn't help.

No advice really for you - but you have plenty of time ahead.

**Hurley** · 12-27-2010 08:44 AM

Break up with her, she is not gonna change ever. You'll be miserable and you know it. But, this isn't the bad part, the bad part is that many women are like your girlfriend, that means that even if you do find another woman you like, there's a high risk that you will have the same problem.

**WildChild** · 12-27-2010 10:58 AM

I started to respond to this but it started a stream of consciousness flow and I turned it into a blog. You can read that here: http://www.womens-health.com/boards/...ve-people.html

**WildChild** · 12-27-2010 11:03 AM

Originally Posted by Hurley

Break up with her, she is not gonna change ever. You'll be miserable and you know it. But, this isn't the bad part, the bad part is that many women are like your girlfriend, that means that even if you do find another woman you like, there's a high risk that you will have the same problem.

Hurley if what you think is true, why don't you just advise him to give up on women entirely and form a stronger relationship with his hand?

If I based my thinking on men (and I'm quite sure that I have many more years on the planet than you do and have had more experience) on the some of the men I have had relationships with, I would be absolutely certain that the lot of you are a bunch of self-centered, emotionally and sexually disfunctional idiots. But I know that not all men fit that mold. Darling I've been gang raped, hit, beaten unconscious, stalked, and held at gun point and some of that was from men I didn't even know. (no I didn't grow up on the streets, and my family is highly educated) Have you been through Any of that at the hands of a woman? Few men have, women live with the possibility daily.

I've had some men be very caring and supportive and most were helping me through the damage inflicted by other men. I wouldn't have needed the help and supportiveness if I hadn't been raped or beaten or stalked or the victim of some other violence by men. But I and other women who have had these experiences don't all condem all men for the actions of a few. What is your problem with women? Did someone break your heart? I've had that broken more than once, I've also had my life threatened and my skull cracked. Do I think every man will do this? No. Do I think every man is a stalker? No. Do I think every man is a rapist? No. Do I think every man will beat women? No.

Did you have a some women tell you No, when you wanted sex? Get over it. Life is a gamble in many ways. Finding someone you are emotionally, intellectually and sexually compatible with takes time, communication and effort. Keeping a relationship strong, fun and balanced, takes effort. It sounds like you want to have a good positive relationship and so do many of us. Simple fact is, that for every woman who is sexually uninterested and unresponsive, there is a man who prefers to snuggle up with Rosie and her five sisters rather than his wife or gf, or a man who has no sex drive or interest or is just a jerk. Yes, life would make more sense if these people found each other. But you know, those of us who want a positive relationship, who want a good mutually satisfying sexual relationship, have to quit drawing disfunctional people into our lives. We can't do that if we only see the negative.

What you look for is what you will find.
If you look for and expect women to be sexually nonresponsive, guess what you are going to find?

**Texinator** · 12-27-2010 11:20 AM

Originally Posted by WildChild

I started to respond to this but it started a stream of consciousness flow and I turned it into a blog. You can read that here: http://www.womens-health.com/boards/...ve-people.html

Blog? I think something that big qualifies as a book

But it's a good book

**creative differences** · 12-29-2010 11:04 PM

Originally Posted by WildChild

I started to respond to this but it started a stream of consciousness flow and I turned it into a blog. You can read that here: http://www.womens-health.com/boards/...ve-people.html

Thanks for your blog, I think it had some really good points about the role of culture and social/sex roles that people are basically unaware that they are fulfilling. I agree with you completely on that. My theory is that if people stopped and critically thought about why they act the way they do, they would realize how little true basis there is acting a certain way or believing in a certain thing. People would be more aware of the human condition, and how little we can ever know.

However, I refuse to believe that not having sexual desires is abnormal. Sure, throughout most of human history our main biological function was to reproduce, but you are kidding yourself if you think our biological functions are that simple anymore. Modern humans do things on a daily basis are COMPLETELY COUNTER to "survival of the fittest" and passing on genes in the traditional sense. For example: obesity, curing diseases, sterile people getting married, birth control, etc. So what? This has become an acceptable part of our culture, and I don't think you'd be able to say, especially curing diseases wise, that these shouldn't be acceptable actions. So why can't someone be asexual? There's so many kids out there in the world without parents, asexual parents willing to adopt a child may even be doing a greater service to society than a sexual couple having their own kids.

Like everything else in the world, it's not a black or white issue. To be honest, my disinterest in sexuality is probably a product of feminism. I know my greatest assets are in my mind and my personality. I take pride in my ability to critically evaluate myself, admit failures, and work to improve them. My ultimate goal is to give back as much as I can to as many people as I can-- to understand where people are coming from, treat them with the utmost respect, and learn from their stories. I refuse to frame my success in terms of who I'm dating, how successful he is, and how great our sex life is. I'm not opposed to sex, but it's just not important to me. I don't see any problem with that.

**BullWrangler** · 05-07-2012 12:32 AM

Hello,

I am completly new to this and i am a male aswell. I am in a very very similar situation but i have been very supportive and respectful to my girlfried. I fell like my girlfriend has similar views as some women have mentioned but she is primarly afriad of pain, pregnancy and sex is not as significant for her as it is for me. We rarely have any foreplay of any kind and i try very hard to get her in the mood and maybe advance our sexual experience but nothing works. i can not even give or recieve any form of oral sex and i can not penetrate her vagina in any way. she does enjoy clitorial stimulation very much but she does not like to return the favor very often. we have been dating for 2.3 years and we are still virgins. i have been "forcrd" to self train myself to learn how to live with out and form of having intimate meaningful loving sex with the girl i love. i dont know what to dothat can help her, besides giving her time. i really think thats the best solution for her because i dont want to preasure her. what can i do that will help my sexual frustration and that might help her feel better about maybe having a sexual relationship. Iam sorry if i have left out some info and i also apologize if my grammer is not so great, iam really sleepy haha. i appriciate your time and responses. i hope to hear from you guys soon.

Have a great day.

**Joe77** · 05-07-2012 09:48 PM

Although my wife's libido seems on the lower side, it's better than some examples here.

There is nothing "wrong" per se with having little to no sexual desire, but where it becomes problematic in heterosexual relationships is that a lot more women fall into this category than men from what I see, meaning a lot more men than women have to deal with being the unsatisfied one in a relationship.

**Stillness** · 05-08-2012 07:03 AM

Originally Posted by Joe77

a lot more men than women have to deal with being the unsatisfied one in a relationship.

The science would seem to agree with you. I don't think it matters on an individual level though. So, if you're a woman married to a man with a lower libido (and there are quite a few relationships like that), you probably don't care so much about what other men feel. You just want more intimacy with your man, just like a man with a wife with a lower libido would.

Where I think the fact you state is dangerous is if it starts to lead to excuses, either for one person to cheat or the other to not meet their needs. Two people with disparate libidos can satisfy one another. They just have to be considerate. Having a higher libido does not necessarily equate to being unsatisfied.

Also both genders will have individuals all along the the asexual-hypersexual graph. And I suspect that while the average man may have a higher libido than the average woman, on the high ends of that graph the women are hornier.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 05-08-2012 07:15 AM

a lot more men than women have to deal with being the unsatisfied one in a relationship.

I'm sorry...but I find this sad and humorous all at the time same. Lol

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