help I need a womans poitn of view.

**flyfishingjunky** · 09-07-2010 06:08 PM

I'm going to lay it on the table. I am ready to ask for a divorce because my wife seems to have no interest in sex or any affection of any kind. I am 43 years old. I have been married for going on 20 years and for the past 13-14 years I have not had sex more than a half dozen times a year. Some years in my 30s it was as little as twice a year (my Bday and Xmass). And she always makes it out to be such a chore for her ... to the point that it is insulting to me.

Before kids we had a great sex life and had sex several times a week. since kids we rarely have sex at all. When we were in our 30s I was constantly told by her that women in their 30s just don't have a sex drive and don't want sex. Now that we are in our 40s I am told women in their 40s just don't have a sex drive etc, etc.

Its not just the sex. Its any kind of affectionate act at all. I is so bad I started keeping track a while back. In the last 3 years she has hugged me 3 times, initiated a kiss - not once, initiated any kind of sexual contact- not once, initiated any other affectionate act like holding hands, flirting, or touch - not once. She has said I love you twice. However, both times it was in response to a deed I did for her not because of any emotional attachment she has toward me.
Furthermore, when I initiate any kind of affection I get eyes rolled at me or flat out rejected.

She has always tried to tell me that this type of behavior is normal for women in their 30s and 40s.

She says she loves me. She says she is happy she married me. But..... she is not willing to go to any kind of counseling with me nor is she willing to go see a doctor to find out if it is a medical problem. The only thing she is willing to do is tell me she is too old (at 42) to be having sex and has been telling me that since her early 30s.

I try to be a good husband. I help around the house. I scrub toilets, I mop floors, she has not had to wash dishes more than a dozen times in the past 20 years. I take care of myself. I am 5'10 and 195lbs I'm not a fat slob who lets himself go. I try to find time for the two of us but when I ask her for a night out with just the two of us I get, "Why can't we take the kids?"

For obvious reasons I am extremely frustrated and I am to the point that loving my kids is not enough to keep me from asking for a divorce any more.

Is there a medical condition that causes her lack of a sex drive? Certainly this cannot be normal as she says. I understand that a woman's sex drive tapers off as she gets older but certainly not to this extent?

I am open to any opinions or advise. I don't beleive in divorce but I am to the point that I am questioning whether or not I even still love her anymore. I need to do something before I get so bitter that I grow to resent her. For crying out loud I'm to the point of registering on a woman's forum. Help!

Thanks for your Reply!

Reply

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-07-2010 08:15 PM

i was constantly told by her that women in their 30s just don't have a sex drive and don't want sex. Now that we are in our 40s I am told women in their 40s just don't have a sex drive etc, etc.

Not true.. We grow, as we get older mentally and see sex as something different, more intimate and more understanding of our bodies and relish the idea and thought of more sex, more intimacy..

I'm 47.. And, I feel like I'm 21 again, yet with more understanding of no need for inhibitions, only boundries and I love this new me, that I found me.

And, I know I am not alone..

"Why can't we take the kids?"

23yrs old, married and now in your 40's how old are the children? In any event, sounds as if she wants no intimacy what so ever, not just sex but togetherness.

People do and can get complacent and fall out of love, just love being in the company but can't fathom intimacy, rather friendship and it does sound that, that is where you both are at.

I appreciate the cleaning and supporting, helping, but it doesn't seem to me that she has any wants or desires to compromise, not even with a romantic dinner, I assume because that may lead to sex and she seems to as I said, be happy with "friendship"..

I feel for you, and so will others. It is un-just that two people, if they claim that they love each other, will not work towards compromise and re-building a solid relationship, foundation, re-explore....

There always seems to be (1) that refuses to do so. Therefore, what are you meant to do? How are you meant to make it work?

You can't unless both want to...

I appreciate you don't believe in divorce but IDK, I'd be saying, it's great to have a friendship, a loving friendship, but it's not about sex, it's about intimacy, being held, kissed, loved as well.. If I wanted a friendship, I'd get a house mate.. If you love me as you claim and don't want councelling then we have to compromise and start to go back to where we were at 23 years of age and fall in love all over again, or else we might as well lead separate lives....

For crying out loud I'm to the point of registering on a woman's forum. Help!

Don't worry about that

Many a man on this Forum, have as well and we have some excellent long term male members as well.

Hang in there and plead to love, instead of sex, re-kindling that and if she still refused, maybe you have to consider having a life, we are too young in our 40's to go without that intimacy, sex, and being held, kissed and loved.

I spent 7 years in a marriage without the intimacy... I was a little younger than you at that time. I am in a beautiful, sexy, loving, relationship now, you have to do what you have to do, we only live once, remember that.

CW

**tesoro** · 09-07-2010 08:34 PM

Oh CW, you inspire me. I am so happy to know that happy, sexy, loving relationships can be found in one's 40's.

ffj, you are in a very difficult position. It seems to me that there may be some kind of medical condition behind your wife's low libido...maybe or maybe not. Only a doctor could tell you that. However, I don't believe that is the issue. I think the root of your problem is that you are unfulfilled in your marriage and at 43, you are still young and you deserve to find happiness. There appears to be a communication problem as well. Your wife is not respecting your feelings and needs. She sounds very focussed on the kids and that happens to many couples. But I think the fact that she is not affectionate towards you sounds like she sees you more as a friend than a husband/lover.

It is very difficult to ask for a divorce, especially after so many years of marriage. But you have to take care of your needs. Sometimes the healthy choice is the most difficult. That is what I told my children a few weeks ago when their father and I announced we were separated. Funny, we were also married at 23. Now in my 40's also, I feel young and sexy and I want a man who will love me and cherish me for who I am, not disregard my feelings and desires. Counselling is not for everyone...many people resist it and you can't save a marriage if your partner is not willing to meet you half-way. You deserve to be happy. Good luck.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-07-2010 08:45 PM

Oh CW, you inspire me. I am so happy to know that happy, sexy, loving relationships can be found in one's 40's.

You better believe it

Now in my 40's also, I feel young and sexy and I want a man who will love me and cherish me for who I am, not disregard my feelings and desires

.

Took 3 years, many a date and alot of lonliness, but no settling

I truly believe that find a person with passions, one that has grown, in the understanding of past mistakes, one that also wants to be loved and cherished and is desired sexually and NO BAGGAGE, I don't mean children, rather, past hurts that can not be swept under the carpet in the hunt and quest for a new life and all that they also, deserve and with the understanding of compromise, talking things out and not being afraid to say sorry.

And:

Love yourself, up-most and foremost and don't settle.. Know what you want and who you are.

OP, if you are the same, and I think you are, then you have to question what you have, verses what you could have.

If I can add, you never walk until you've given 100% and tried every single angle..

Then I believe you have the right to do so. And, find what your looking for....

CW

**jns** · 09-07-2010 08:45 PM

Originally Posted by flyfishingjunky

I'm going to lay it on the table. I am ready to ask for a divorce because my wife seems to have no interest in sex or any affection of any kind. I am 43 years old. I have been married for going on 20 years and for the past 13-14 years I have not had sex more than a half dozen times a year. Some years in my 30s it was as little as twice a year (my Bday and Xmass). And she always makes it out to be such a chore for her ... to the point that it is insulting to me.

Before kids we had a great sex life and had sex several times a week. since kids we rarely have sex at all. When we were in our 30s I was constantly told by her that women in their 30s just don't have a sex drive and don't want sex. Now that we are in our 40s I am told women in their 40s just don't have a sex drive etc, etc.

It sounds like the sex was really to have kids. Once that was done, the need for sex was over. Is this an attitude she has and if so, where do you think it comes from? From her family or from her religion or from her friends or where? Do you bring her to climax and if so by which methods and how many times? Does she get pleasure from sex? Did she ever? Have you told her that men in their 40's still can have a strong sex drive? Have asked her what does she want you to do with your sex drive?

**Drangel254** · 09-07-2010 10:00 PM

Guy here, I know the pain you describe. If your not happy let her knownyoir ready to walk if your marriage is what you say it is shell make a change for love. If not yougsve her 20+ yrs no regrets.

**Texasred** · 09-07-2010 10:38 PM

Originally Posted by flyfishingjunky

I'm going to lay it on the table. I am ready to ask for a divorce because my wife seems to have no interest in sex or any affection of any kind. I am 43 years old. I have been married for going on 20 years and for the past 13-14 years I have not had sex more than a half dozen times a year. Some years in my 30s it was as little as twice a year (my Bday and Xmass). And she always makes it out to be such a chore for her ... to the point that it is insulting to me.

Before kids we had a great sex life and had sex several times a week. since kids we rarely have sex at all. When we were in our 30s I was constantly told by her that women in their 30s just don't have a sex drive and don't want sex. Now that we are in our 40s I am told women in their 40s just don't have a sex drive etc, etc.

...
Furthermore, when I initiate any kind of affection I get eyes rolled at me or flat out rejected.

...she is not willing to go to any kind of counseling with me nor is she willing to go see a doctor to find out if it is a medical problem. The only thing she is willing to do is tell me she is too old (at 42) to be having sex and has been telling me that since her early 30s.
...
I am open to any opinions or advise. I don't beleive in divorce but I am to the point that I am questioning whether or not I even still love her anymore. I need to do something before I get so bitter that I grow to resent her. For crying out loud I'm to the point of registering on a woman's forum. Help!

I sympathize with you: your story sounds exactly like mine, including the great sex before the kid, and being made to feel like what little you get since then, she's making the supreme sacrifice.
Suffice it to say, you're not alone.

I wish I could give you some good advice, but I can't.
Maybe before you do go through with the divorce, you could give her the chance to find out what's wrong with her - because believe me, women do NOT lose interest in sex at age 30 - quite the contrary! Nor do they lose interest at age 40, nor at 50, nor at 60, as I can attest, since I'm close to 20 years older than you! Ask her to go to counseling, with or without you. Ask her to go to her doctor to find out if she has some sort of medical condition.
And don't hesitate to tell her what the alternative is.
Best of luck to you;
- TR

**Hopeless Dork** · 09-07-2010 10:45 PM

It sounds like you have given it your all to make this work.. she has decided that she wants to be celibate and since you are married and pledged to be faithful to her, she has forced you to become celibate as well. I will never understand how a woman or man can expect a partner that enjoys sex to be both in a sexless marriage and faithful.

Your character is outstading that you haven't cheated, she's lucky to have such a good man but it seems her luck has run its course. I think you'd be doing the right thing by leaving and being honest then by pretending no sex, no affection is okay while getting it on the side. You deserve to live a life that doesn't make you live in the shadows just be 'normal'.

Aside from the sex, which is a big deal... the lack of affection would be devistating.. you've had a roomate and a co-parent, someone to share the bills and plan parties for your kids with but not a partner in the sense of intimacy.

Women's sex drives tend to be at their peak in the late 30's and most women continue to enjoy sex more and more... they become more confident with their bodies, know what it takes to orgasm and are able to get much more pleasure out of sex then they did when they were in their teens and 20's.

Is your wife on any sort of birth control or hormone pills? Does she suffer from depression or is she taking any depression meds? This sounds more mental that physioligical though since it switched off after having kids. Perhaps she see's mothers as mothers, not sexual beings... there are some women that go through this syndrome after becoming a mom where they feel like they should not be doing anything sexual anymore and simply raising the kids. Its actually kind of tragic, but is fairly common.

If she refuses to get counseling, if she refuses to address the issue... if she says women in their whatever age don't like sex, what prevents those same women from holding hands? From saying I love you? From giving their partner a warm embrace whent hey come home from work?

Have you addressed how it feels to live in a sexless marriage with her? Have you talked to her about your self-esteem and how busted its become feeling like your wife doesn't want to have sex with you? Have you addressed the lack of affection hugs and kisses and how it all makes you feel? What does she say? Does she dismiss you?

**flyfishingjunky** · 09-08-2010 08:08 AM

Wow! Thanks to everyone for the input.

Lets see, I have a lot of questions to answer.

My daughters are 14 and 17. The oldest is a junior in high school and the youngest is in 8th grade. I have thought of toughing it out until the girls our both our of school but I just can't deal with this for another 5 years.

I have talked about it a few times with her in the past. Like I said there were times in out 30s when we only had sex a couple times a year. I had a good talk with her about it and we started having sex about once sometimes twice a month. That was an improvement but not much of one because every bit of body language and facial expression made it perfectly clear that she did not want to be there and this was dutiful mercy sex on her part. It was to the point that it was down right insulting.

When we have had those conversations she would say that she did love me and that her heart belonged to me. However, from everything I can tell it has all been just lip service.

Yes she usually orgasms 2-3 separate times through foreplay and oral sex but I usually don't. I usually get so fed up with her that I just quit before I'm done and go to sleep frustrated and mad.

Someone had mentioned that the sex was all about having kids. I have suspected many times that I was just a means to an end and that it was the idea of having a family that she was in love with all along and not me as a person.

Well here is pretty much where I'm at and what I have decided to do. Friday night I am going to set down with her to talk after the girls are in bed. I am just going to tell her flat out how it is.

I am to the point that I am questioning whether I even love her or not anymore. I have been miserable and I am miserable and if we can't go back to the beginning and rebuild something worth having I'm gone.

I don't want a room mate and I don't want a friend... and I don't want just sex. Sex is a part of it but not just the physical act with a shell of human while the rest of her is off making the grocery list or something. I want her INVOLVED in it. I want passion, I want that twinkle in her eye. I need to explain how insulting the mercy sex she offers really is to me. I am not going to ask for sex from her again until there is something real between us again to back it up.

I have ask this question on several medical, dating and woman's health forums like this one and not a single woman has agreed with her that a total lack of sex drive at her age is normal. All have told me that there is either some kind of emotional, medical or psychological reason for it but it is not normal. I am going to demand she get help!

I'm going to lay it all out for her and deal with where ever the chips fall.

Again, thanks everyone for the input.

**WildChild** · 09-08-2010 08:17 AM

I think you are right and I wish you the best with this. Know that it isn't just men who deal with this, many women here have or are dealing with, men who have no interest in intimacy or sex in their relationship. A loving, connected relationship is about more than any one piece of the picture but should be an integrated whole. Emotionally and physically healthy people want a balanced relationship.