potential to have sex with someone after 12 years ceibacy

**kat252** · 09-10-2010 05:48 AM

Hi- ive posted this on the relatinship forum too- but then i noticed the sex forum and this is where i really want to post.
i have been celibate for last 12 years- wasnt intentional- just happened- a nice man didnt come along and i didnt actively look for on- im 42 and have been bringing up my child on my own so didnt have many opportunities to go and meet many men-
im a bit worried bout doing it after so long- because i wasnt very good at it when i did do it, infact, i had so many dull and horrid exeperiences- thats what put me off all these years i reckon.
ive never found a good man- and i dont think that has helped-
put it this way- i lost my virginity whe i was 19 to an iranian casino punter when i was working there- it lasted all of 30 secs and he gave me £50 afterwards to "go and buy myself something new" i think he felt bad and tried to make up for it- so that was meant to be my introduction on the wonderful world of making love. and it ddnt get much better-
so im thinking id rather not do it at all- but if i do it again- and i might have the opportunity to do so soon- id like to make a proper go of it- so ill be looking for tips and advice from those women who are so much more experienced than I am.
so thats all i wanted to say- just really hope someof yu will be there for me- as no doubt I will have plenty of questions.
what i wanted to ask for now is this- do you have a bath or a shower before yu have sex? whats the etiquette on this? obviously id like to me clean and for my man to be clean- but i dont want to be neurotic either.
many thanks.

**rcoreyus** · 09-10-2010 09:09 AM

There are a lot of men in this situation too - if you read these forums there many people whos sex lives have faded or vanished. I think you should avoid standard pick-up places - likely to lead to more poor meaningless sex. Try to find some activity that you enjoy where you can meet people and let a relationship develop. I'm not saying you need to wait years - but it should be with someone who you care about and who cares about you.

**jns** · 09-10-2010 07:16 PM

Originally Posted by kat252

what i wanted to ask for now is this- do you have a bath or a shower before yu have sex? whats the etiquette on this? obviously id like to me clean and for my man to be clean- but i dont want to be neurotic either.
many thanks.

A bath or a shower is good as is brushing your teeth and using mouth wash. Even if you don't get into kissing a lot, its always nice to be your best and have your partner be at their best also. Good grooming is also a plus as well as dressing in something new or something you feel sexy in.

**Texasred** · 09-10-2010 11:17 PM

kat; It's a little hard to tell from your post, but it sounds as if you already have some particular man in mind that you think you might like to have sex with?
If this is true, I'd suggest being straightforward with him - once you get close to that point that is, not on the first date! But as far as tips: beyond the obvious ones concerning grooming and hygiene, I'd say just be yourself: tell him your story, or a little bit of it, enough that he knows of your lack of (recent) experience, and so that he knows any hesitation on your part is not a sign of lack of willingness, just perhaps uncertainty. Sex being fundamentally something that you do together, asking for his help in re-initiating you should be a fine thing to do, and he might be very flattered that you chose him.
And since you may be a little nervous this first time, it might be wise to have the "personal lubricant" of your choice on hand, just in case.
Good luck to you,
- TR

**Faerunner** · 09-12-2010 11:02 AM

Be open with the partner of choice

They'll thank you for it later.

If you are comfortable with the idea, masturbating may be in order to re-acquaint your body with the idea of sex (if you don't already). If you'd rather not, just be open to letting him take it slow and explore, and be willing to do the same for him. Sex is about making a connection and enjoying someone else fully; it's hard to give directions except "be open and relax".

We don't always shower before sex (depending how long it's been since we last showered) but it's always nice to be really clean and fresh for your partner; it's one less thing to worry about and will help you feel confident and comfortable in your body, which is essential for good sex.

**tramig** · 09-12-2010 11:06 AM

I was celibate for 12 and a half years. I finally rejoined the club and haven't looked back. Yes have a shower and yes you will be nervous. Just relax and enjoy. One thing from my own experience I found very odd. I don't use tampons or a vibrator so the first time I did it after so long, it did hurt a little to begin with and there was some bleeding. I don't know why this happened but it was a bit like loosing my virginity all over again lol.

**Hopeless Dork** · 09-12-2010 03:06 PM

As a woman that spent many years celibate myself for reasons very similiar to yours then got active... I got to tell you its going to be so much better this time around. You have some time to obviously realize that sex isn't important, that you can do without it if need be so you shouldn't rush into having it just to have it with anyone you don't think is worth your time. But you have to be careful to not put your celibacy on a very high pedastal and make someone reach crazy expectations to be the 'first' back in... as that can lead to serious dissapointment to both of you.

Instead just get on out there and date and if you fall for someone and you are both feeling it... and you are safe then go for it feet first

Some tips: Start doing your kegal exercises, and masturbating more frequently. You may think because you havent been having sex that you have closed up in there... but the truth is less sex leads to weaker muscles and can make a less pleasurable experience. Now that you know you are going to be open to letting someone enter your life in a sexual way... start being a more sexual woman, even just by yourself.

Read some erotica, watch some naughty movies, buy a toy... re-discover what turns you on. I say it will be better this time around because you are going to be more confident in getting your needs met and less laying around just to please the other person that a lot of us did when we were younger. You are doing this for you, and for the man you are into of course... but doing it for your own reasons will increase your pleasure so much... just take some time to figure out what buttons you like pushed and how so you can show your partner.

Bathing every day is sufficient hygiene for sex, for me personally though, I like to do a wash up at the sink as close as possible to the main event... at least within a 2 hours... and especially after I've peed after a shower before the sex lol. Even though you wipe and dry you want to feel confident when a man has his tongue down there and his nose 2 pressed against your body... so a quick lil wash up is good.

I don't know your stance on shaving, but personally whether you decide to keep a full bush, shave bald or landing strip it, its a good idea to shave your lips and have all the lickable spots clean and smooth... it will give you greater sensation and keep hair in their mouth to a minimum.