need some help ladies

**at a loss** · 09-15-2010 11:21 AM

I need a ladies point of view on this. I've been with my wife 11 yrs now. Here's some of the things that frustrate me with her.

1) I'm ALWAYS the one that initiates sex. If I never reached out for her we would never be with each other.

2) We have two young kids and I know this can be tough taking care of them. At night she wants her own time, watch tv by herself or to get on the internet, facebook etc. On nights when she knows we're going to be together I'll come down every once in awhile to hug her or give her a kiss etc, and she'll always say "I'll be up in a few minutes". Well that's basically her telling me to get out of here. Also, a few minutes also winds up being an hr to hr and a half. This after she had most of the evening to herself. She's rather spend time on facebook with friends she hasn't seen in yrs than to be with me.

I mentioned this to her the other day, and just said to her if it's going to be an hr than say it's going to be an hr. Not "I'll be up in few minutes" like she always does which I take as get lost. Well the very next night the 'I'll be up in a few minutes" comes out again. This time she was playing a gm on the computer that my six yr old son just got for his bday. My response to her was "you'd rather play a kids video gm than be with me"? She also came upstairs an hr and 15 minutes later.

I had clicked the tv off and was laying there on the bed just pissed off, and she opens the door and than lays on the bed and is about to go to sleep. I got up and started going down stairs and said this was all a bunch of BS and her response was "that she heard me snoring", which is a flat out LIE as I was WIDE awake and pissed off that she used the "I'll be up in few minutes" line again and was more interested in playing a kids video gm than to be with me.

Our sex life has always been fantastic as well. She's never said anything to me about any problems in this area. I just don't know what to do anymore as she obviously isn't hearing me when I bring up what's bothering me. When she resorts to flat out lies, sorry but something isn't right here!

Appreciate any advice and I know there's way more to this story than I could type. Thanks so much ladies.

**LanaBear** · 09-15-2010 11:33 AM

It doesn't sound like mentally she is all too interested. What are her days like? Are the two of you able to talk about the issue without either of you getting pissed off? When you do initiate, does she respond? Is sex enjoyable for her, does she orgasm?

Does she suffer from the whole, mom's aren't supposed to be sexual issue?

When it is a mental block, it's tough to break, it can be broken, but there isn't a whole lot you can do, she needs to find her own way and find out what makes her tick again. But to even begin that, she needs to be able to admit that she's the one that has some changing to do.

**at a loss** · 09-15-2010 11:55 AM

sometimes we can talk about things and other times no. I'm always willing to talk about things, but she isn't. She says she's willing but when it comes time to talk about it she won't say anything of significance or just clam up.

As for an orgasm. She's the only girl I've ever been with who doesn't orgasm with me inside her. Like I mean never....in eleven yrs! She's done so by me going down on her (which has only been about three times). I never really enjoyed doing this before and until just recently I never had with her. Not for lack of me asking. Every time I brought it up she shot it down. Same for goes for now. I tell her that I want to do it but she won't let me.

I'm just confused as to where we go from here.

**Thomas Hepburn** · 09-15-2010 11:56 AM

I'm going to keep from commenting on this because I have suffered this myself. And so have thousands of men (and women) around the world.
I'm not sure how many women in the world realise how exhausting, and degrading, it is always being the one who has to initiate sex, even if you get it!
(Yes, there are ladies here who suffer/suffered from this themselves. But by and large this feeling is one that men feel a lot more often)
Let the ladies here tell you about everything to try to get her to change. Maybe she will, maybe she won't ! Maybe you'll just go round the bend trying !
(I suggested on a previous thread to ask the/your wife if she would want you to get sex elsewhere. I nearly got linched!)
Seriously though, try everything the ladies here advise you to do. If that doesn't work, find sex elsewhere. Best of luck.

Sorry everyone, a very raw nerve with me. xx

**LanaBear** · 09-15-2010 12:02 PM

FWIW, I was a wife who put my hubby through this, for 8-10 years. I've lived that relationship. Young kids, dreadfully tired, not wanting anything, blah blah blah.

But, like I said above, unless she's willing to admit that some things need to change, there's not much for you to do. You can repeatedly try talking to her, which, my guess, will just cause her to clam up more and resent you even further, especially if she doesn't feel she is the problem. But, again, my guess, deep down, she knows if she changes, they whole dynamic of your relationship changes for the better. However, it's hard for her to admit she is wrong and that she needs help getting over it.

**caterpillar79** · 09-15-2010 12:03 PM

Does she have a job or a stay-at-home mom? Are there things that might be stressing her - financial, physical, emotional stuff she needs to "get out of", hence the escapism exhibited by her playing video games or surfing online, rather than be with a "flesh and blood" ever-present human husband?

Did you both run into some more serious marital issues prior to her exhibiting such behavior? I mean, there could be a lot of factors and it'd be nice to weed them out.

I ran into a similar situation with my husband with a slightly different tone, but he also plays (PS2) games. We had some discussions and I diligently stick to just sharing him how I felt without putting any blame on him. It was about a month until we finally were able to adapt to our compromise, which was...

He goes to work, kisses and hugs me while I'm in bed (AM), comes home for lunch/we go out for lunch (drives me home - I don't work right now), then when he gets home....1. Gives me a long loving hug, we cuddle or just play around a bit, 2. I go do something that I enjoy doing (cross-stitching, reading, WH forum), while he plays his PS2 game with some beer on the side... Here's the crucial part, as I NEED a lot of touch to feel loved...he comes to me once in a while to check on me, hugs and kisses me and then goes back to his game. Sometimes I watch him play and sometimes I don't. There are days I'm extremely touchy-feely and I tell him - he sometimes just devoted his entire time with me, no PS2 games. We worked it out, but I had to come out and lovingly share how I felt. I am lucky he took it seriously.

I hope you got the idea this is not achieved quickly. Even until now we still have some falling out. I also don't like to be the one initiating sex, as I love and prefer to be pursued and wooed.

How affectionate are you to your wife out of the bedroom, before she gets to " her world"? Do you help with chores? Do you make her feel good about herself and not like a sex object? When there's too much pressure, you could drive her away than closer to you. Also, I discovered that if I wait around for someone, it's more likely that he won't come around faster than I expect. But if I keep myself busy with things I enjoy doing, he'll come around bouncing off the wall to get my affection and attention. Looks like we have our roles reversed.

I hope she opens up to you soon. Good luck.

**WildChild** · 09-15-2010 01:03 PM

You've been together 11 years. You say your sex life has always been "fantastic", yet she has never orgasmed with you inside her and 'shoots down' oral sex.
How long has it been since things were fantastic?
Does she orgasm with sex and if so, from what stimulation?
Sex isn't fantastic if you aren't orgasming at least a good percentage of the times you engage in sex.
What was fantastic about your sex life previously?

**Rediscovered** · 09-15-2010 02:52 PM

I feel for you, I really do~~been there, done that, also.

One thing you said that kind of surprised me, though...you said you've never really enjoyed giving oral sex (to her or anyone, I suppose?)? Do you think she knew you weren't excited about doing it the times you did do it?

**at a loss** · 09-15-2010 06:12 PM

to answer a few questions here.

My wife is a stay at home mom. We found out last November that our 4yr old girl has autism (although it's mild). This has definitely put some added stress on our relationship. I've read numerous places that parents with an autistic child have an extremely high rate of divorce (like over 90%). It's usually the man walking out on the relationship. We were able to get her in a private school to help her with this, and it's extremely expensive which is putting a huge financial strain on us. My wife also has to drive her across town every day now as well. Let it be said however that this stuff was going on before all of this.

As for the comment that our sex life has been fantastic despite her not having an orgasm. Well she says it's great and that's just the way she is. I have had a hard time believing this since she hasn't had an orgasm with me inside her, but she says she's always been this way.

My wifes real father walked out on her mother when she was a baby. So there's some real trust issues there. Her mom has the mind of a child, and was so afraid of her next husband walking out on her and my wife (as a child) that she would put up with anything. The dude was an alcoholic and was very tough on my wife as a kid. Wouldn't let her do jack . Locked her in her room and basically mentally tortured her for yrs. Her mom stood by and did NOTHING!!!!

So now I think that I'm being punished for things that I never did. I've just about had it, but I want to make this marriage work as i have two young kids and I could never leave them.

Very confused and trying to be patient but she knows what buttons to push and from time to time I break down and take the bait and we have a fight and all breaks loose.

I want to make this relationship work. I've NEVER cheated on her nor any girl I've ever dated in my life. My wife is extremely hot to me (looks like Cindy Margolis), but

**Mes T** · 09-15-2010 06:32 PM

You know what aside from everything else, it's quite possible that the main reason she doesn't want sex is because she knows she won't get an orgasm from it. It gets boring after a while, a few years say, just watching your partner having all the orgasms.

MOST women can't orgasm from penis-in-vagina intercourse. I have a hard time believing that ALL of your previous girlfriends could... If that's true, then that was just luck of the draw my friend.

I think if sex for her can become equated with having an orgasm, then things can drastically improve.

If you don't like going down on her, try manual, or using toys, or something.

I never orgasmed with a boyfriend of mine, was with him for almost 4 years. We were both in college. About a couple of years into the relationship I completely lost interest in sex, and I was a young, healthy girl! I just got tired of sex being all about his pleasure... and so I got bored.

I think this is definitely a problem for you guys. If you "fix" everything else, at the end of the day she's still not physically getting satisfaction from sex.

Turn it around. If YOU never orgasmed from sex, would YOU continue to do it regularly? How long could you keep that up?

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