Missing sex (in a relationship)

**PurpleGoddess** · 09-19-2010 02:29 PM

Hi, I just joined here and I have a few issues I'm confused about so hoping to get help from you amazing people. To summarise my situation, I'm 23, been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and moved in together about 3 months ago. Well the problems are a bit complicated! I had a few boyfriends before this one but I was my boyfriend's first real relationship. We've had sex problems on and off all through our relationship.

First of all, he had a problem anatomically which meant he needed a small op to be able to have sex, that happened near the start of our relationship. Then, he was nervous and worried about hurting himself. So, we never got off to a good start! I'd had good sex experiences before him and some bad ones too but I know when I was younger (17, 18) I used to be more vibrant and sexually confident than I am now. My boyfriend and I managed to have sex for the first time but it's never been regular, probably once every few weeks. I think it's because of things we both do that we're not very sexual. He sometimes gets nervous or thinks of something and loses his erection. I have become less 'sexy' in how I behave around him over time. (Sorry if I'm writing too much here!). I now kind of struggle to imagine a great sex life with him, I'm not really into him touching me either which I know is not a good sign. I don't know what to do!

He wants to be with me forever he says, he's the closest friend I have (don't have support from family really because family relations are difficult). He's such a nice guy and we get on well. I live with him as well. I do find him attractive but I don't understand what's wrong. Sometimes we say we'll try and get our sex life sorted but I struggle to have confidence in this now.

I'm bothered by this so much because I love the idea of a great sex life, I miss when I had that more and was more confident. I miss sexual satisfaction, I've got to feeling guilty about touching myself so don't really do it and I don't really get a lot of pleasure from the sex I have. This sounds so bad...

I have no idea what to do about this. I'm really confused and don't want to let my boyfriend down, he says he wouldn't be able to go on if he ever lost me...

Thanks for letting me have somewhere to talk about this and for your help.

**jns** · 09-19-2010 03:01 PM

Because it is his first real relationship, the emotional bonding he feels is probably very strong. If you want to build up his confidence, spend time together fooling around, but not being oriented toward having sex. Become more confident with each others bodies. Since he had an operation to have sex, he has not had to go through with sex before. To do so can be very intimidating. It is easy for one to doubt their abilities and it is all required to be done in a relatively short amount of time. Get into kissing and hugging leading to petting. From the petting , get into masturbating each other and possibly oral. Then go for the penetrative sex. With young teenagers, each step can take weeks or months. You don't have to take that long, but you cannot only take an hour altogether. you can train him as you want. How he turns out depends on your training, at least to some degree.

**Mes T** · 09-19-2010 03:07 PM

All men say they wouldn't be able to go on without you, but essentially it's not true most of the time. And the times that it IS true indicates the person has some major problems and isn't boyfriend material anyway. I'm only saying this because I get a small tiny feeling that you're with him for HIS sake, not for yours. Something to keep in mind if that's true or if it ever becomes true in the future.

You mentioned you're not into him touching you, does that include non-sexual contact like hugs? Were you like this with previous boyfriends or just him?

Sometimes it's hard to be with someone who's never been in a relationship before because you end up having to teach them, guide them, and it can get unfulfilling and frustrating.

Sex is really important. If not sex then intimacy of some kind for sure. You want a lover, not just a friend, right? Has the situation been improving at all or pretty much just staying the same?

It's really, REALLY hard to change someone's attitudes about sex.

**Texinator** · 09-19-2010 03:43 PM

Originally Posted by Mes_T

All men say they wouldn't be able to go on without you

No... I know it's not always a serious threat, but even when they don't really mean it, I consider it emotional blackmail. So that's nothing I'd ever say or that any person should ever say, especially to someone they claim to love.

**Mes T** · 09-19-2010 04:07 PM

I dunno, during a romantic moment I think people can say something like that just fine but not mean it in a morbid way. I've heard it all over the place but thankfully it was always one of those "sweet nothings" thing.

(And just to clarify, I don't mean to say it's just men, of course it's men, women, dogs, fish, whatever.

Just easier to put it that way because the poster is interested in menzszs.)

**Texinator** · 09-19-2010 04:22 PM

True, I guess it's different when said romantically. I was thinking of the 'threats' people sometimes make when they try to imply they would hurt themselves if the other person left them.

**PurpleGoddess** · 09-19-2010 05:16 PM

Hi thank you for the replies! I had agreed to watch a film with my boyfriend so couldn't reply straight away. Was kind of hard actually, is was a romcom type (Bounty Hunter) and the couple looked like they would have a great sex life!

I'm not into him touching me in a sexual way. I think I went off kisses and hugs a bit a while ago actually, about a month after we moved in. He noticed and said he missed it, so I apologised and said I didn't know why and have since made the effort to keep doing that. I like hugs, in bed we're close and cuddle. However, I don't feel like getting sexy or being sexy with him... it's almost like I feel like he's not someone I'd get sexual with and I don't know why. I haven't had this with previous boyfriends. My longest other relationship was my first boyfriend (2 years) when I was 17-19. It was bad in so many ways but the sex was great.

I feel like he does need a lot of guiding and teaching. When we started going out I prepared myself for this. This is before we found out he needed an op. My first boyfriend was sort of a natural at touching and things but I understood that not everyone finds it so easy, I was nervous when I started touching a guy! So I tried to guide him and tell him and give him a tour of me but it didn't work out well and I sort of had to give up on teaching. No matter what I said about being gentle and things he didn't seem to change how he touched me and it made me uncomfortable. Maybe I should have persevered more but I thought I'd just stick with sex more, I think he was getting a bit frustrated about it not feeling right for me. He did an internet search about it once ages ago and came back to me with ideas but it didn't feel right still.

I think it's probably got worse. We have sex less often and have had more problems recently. We've talked and said we'll get into having sex more but it doesn't seem to change. I'm worried I love him in a friendly way (I'd say 'brotherly' way but sounds wrong seeing as he's my boyfriend!). I find him attractive though...

Maybe a good word is chemistry, I think that might be what is missing

I think you have a good point about saying he couldn't be without me, it makes it really hard. I've had to come close to breaking up with him a few times and as soon as he realises that might happen he breaks down into floods of tears. I feel so uncomfortable and cruel. When it's been because of argument, he switches straight from defiant to apologising and crying. He cries loads and says he can't go on without me, last time he said I was causing him more pain than he'd ever felt in his life and his life was crumbling apart.

His dad died when he was 17, they weren't in a lot of contact, but I would have thought that was one of the more painful things in his life so for him to say that sounds so bad.

Maybe I am with him for him a little bit, I really don't know. He's a great person, one you feel you're lucky to have met. He loves me so much and really needs me, his family all expect us to marry and know me, I live with him and neither of us are in a position to easily move out and get separate places because of money reasons. I feel a bit like I should just see the best in the relationship and stay with him (permanantly).

**Mes T** · 09-19-2010 05:26 PM

Okay.

So basically it's all about him, and some added financial issues that make it hard to move out.

So he's scared you away from attempts at leaving by crying all over the place. And now to spare his feelings you're sacrificing your own life and happiness.

If you leave him yeah he'll cry, he'll be sad, but he'll move on. You're his first girlfriend and it always feels like the end of the world when we break up with our "first." But it's never the end, it's only the beginning, as you and I know, and as he will know some day if you two separate.

You love this guy as a friend, and a brother. He's emotionally blackmailing you (a great term that someone mentioned earlier). Don't you value your own needs, your own happiness?

Yeah okay his family knows you and likes you. This means you're a pretty great person and ANY guy's family has the same potential to like you.

Break ups are hard, but if you're unhappy, it's best to get out sooner rather than later.

To me, an outsider reading what you've wrote, the choice seems crystal clear.

It's not your mission in life to protect this man in a bubble of lies so he won't cry.

Don't ever settle for anything or anyone. Recipe for terrible, life-long regret.

**p3375** · 09-19-2010 05:30 PM

Purple:
Maybe I am with him for him a little bit, I really don't know. He's a great person, one you feel you're lucky to have met. He loves me so much and really needs me, his family all expect us to marry and know me, I live with him and neither of us are in a position to easily move out and get separate places because of money reasons. I feel a bit like I should just see the best in the relationship and stay with him (permanantly).

Gee, hun. This relationship sounds more like "big sister/little brother" than the basis for a marriage. I hope you will consider that marying or staying with someone because you feel sorry for them isn't doing either of you any favors. Pat

**PurpleGoddess** · 09-19-2010 05:43 PM

I think another thing that makes it hard is that I really enjoy time I spend with him, we get along very well. We have many things in common including our sense of humour. Feels like I'd be leaving someone so very compatible with me, even though I do miss having a lover as Mes_T put it so well