is sex important in a relationship?

**flourie** · 09-22-2010 04:34 PM

i just broke up with my boyfriend as our sex life hasn't being doing well for very long now. i love him and it kills me to have done this, but sex has always been a way of connecting and expressing what i feel and this has taken a toll on the other aspects of our relationship.i he has had a problem with an erection a couple of times and this is when it started. we decided we would see a doctor after months of probing but that never happened, after many attempts to make him talk about it he did mention that it might be low self esteem but is not too sure what it is still. and jokingly also asked me why i am with him and i told him that i would never not feel attracted to him so he has nothing to worry about. he recently he told me that he doesn't know how long this situation will last. the thing is i have been supportive as i can but lately i feel helpless and also see this messing up our relationship, i tend to get annoyed more often and hate how i am becoming with him and others, we live together and we have had a best sex life in the past but now sometimes its hard for me to sleep in the same bed because i still fell attracted to him and i know i cant do anything and will have to let it pass, this makes me sad thinking about how we use to be. sometimes when u cuddle the affection one feels slowly transforms into sexual energy...but i know i cant touch him like that because i dont want to make us feel uncomfortable and this would bruise my ego as well, because i thought it was me for the longest time. i could be comfortable being with him like this till whenever and try and curb my feelings but i sometimes wonder if it is healthy...i mean we are still in college and young and i also wonder then what is the difference between my best friend,who is a guy and my boyfriend? he was also a very close friend before we dated...still it. i'm really confused. i know ive hurt him by breaking up with him but i also feel this time apart could help heal things...with him and me.but i hope i haven't ruined it further... have i done the right thing?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-22-2010 05:18 PM

Hi flourie,

You say that "we have had a best sex life in the past" ... that you lived together, and that it's been months, his answer, maybe low self esteem, not sure, doesn't know how long this situation will last...

That's a tad confusing I think, he was able/capable before I suspect you moved in together... I assume, you were loving and giving, all throughout..then all of a sudden loss of erection and no connection...

Could it be that moving in, made this happen? Maybe, the dating side is fine, but the living together felt like marriage and so he lost the idea of "boyfriend/girlfriend?"...

Try dating him again maybe and see how it goes, the problem is you know that he had a problem and that's deep in his mind, but maybe if you go back to the beginning and do the dating (not living in each other's pockets) but once a week, and some text messages, a phone call, it may all come back together, then you have to consider where the relationship is heading...

Sex is connection, a bond, and in my opinion, highly important therefore in a relationship...

I however, do believe that when there is a problem, you work towards helping the person through it as much as you can and I think you have tried that..

CW

**Allie602** · 09-22-2010 05:57 PM

Don’t beat yourself up, you did the best you could under the circumstances. Your question about right or wrong shows a concern for his feelings, which is natural and human. As for the rightness or wrongness of it, you only can judge that.

Does this help I’ll give you my take on right or wrong in relationship: I think you first have to decide whats important to you in what order this could be one list: 1) is that you have an obligation to protect yourself from harm, 2.) communicate your core needs and commit to continual negotiation and compromise to have them met and meet those of your partner, 3) accept your partner as they are. It’s kind of a hierarchy, for example, if your partner meets your core values and is not harming you it is right to accept his petty annoyances. If he not meeting your core needs thn accepting him is moot.

Having satisfying sex with a partner is a core need in a committed relationship; they are your only source of sex. Maybe your questions pertain to have you done all you can to communicate the importance of sex to your emotional well being and the stability of the relationship and the ability to stay in the relationship. Have you given him enough of a chance to change to meet your needs and is he willing to take the necessary steps to meet your needs. Do these sound like what concerns you?

**flourie** · 09-23-2010 11:43 AM

thank u CW. the thing is our relationship was first a deep friendship before it became a romantic one. his feelings were always in the middle of the two but it took me alot of time before i realised that i loved him too.... and to realise that i was attracted to him...because i already loved him. and the day i realised it, we started our relationship and started spending nights over... the sex came much later. and since then we have never spent a night apart unless we needed to. we dont officially live together but we are always together. after so much history im not sure i know how to date this guy.
i can handle the pain of being apart but i just feel that im being selfish because he stood by me when i was very messed up and took the blow of it even though i gave him the option to leave. and now i feel i'm breaking up with him...giving up on us because of ....well....sex.

**flourie** · 09-23-2010 11:52 AM

allie thank u for the insight... the heirachy has helped me think a little clearer. when it comes to meeting requirements i would say he goes more of the mile... he is one of the nicest guys ive met and he compromises alot...so do i but he has never really given me a chance to do it as much as he does it for me. now i feel this is my time...but i also feel the loss of strength and i feel lost about this relationship.and i wonder how much more do i have to go before i can be there for him the way he has been there for me. there are alot of things that crossed my mind.
1) what if we have fizzled out.
2) he is leaving once he graduates... does it really make sense to start a long distance on such grounds?
3) i hold our friendship higher than our romance ... that is...if i had to break this love up into two. and i can deal with losing him as a lover...but not as a friend.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-23-2010 05:53 PM

Perhaps his love for you is stronger, than sex..

In-other-words, there are soulmates but sometimes, those soulmates are like brother and sister, so close, the boundry of sex, is there....

Perhaps, he can't see the girlfriend/boyfriend side as much as he wants to, because he's protected you, loves you deeply but in a different manner..

**Allie602** · 09-24-2010 02:59 AM

Is he willing and able to maintain a friendship? He may need time to get his emotions in check and may perhaps be able to pick up the friendship more fully. From the additional info your shared, it sounds like things are in the sate of flux and the demise of your intimate relationship is more a matter of timing than anything else.

I have two friends who married men they had relationships with in college but parted ways, They were in their late teens early 20s in the first relationship and middle - late 20s in the second one. They both said that they were very much in love when they broke up but felt unsure about committing because they wanted more experience living and having relationships with others. They got back together by design, they maintained occasional contact over the yrs and happen to get in contact between relationships and decided they belonged together.

So bad timing sometimes trumps love.

**Allie602** · 09-24-2010 03:10 AM

I meant - they met up again NOT by design.

**WildChild** · 09-24-2010 06:05 AM

He should see a doctor, there are some serious medical conditions heralded by loss of libido. Low testosterone can be cause by many things but can carry serious health consequences. Other signs of this can be low energy, crankiness and poor concentration.

**Allie602** · 09-24-2010 06:12 AM

Originally Posted by WildChild

He should see a doctor, there are some serious medical conditions heralded by loss of libido. Low testosterone can be cause by many things but can carry serious health consequences. Other signs of this can be low energy, crankiness and poor concentration.

This is perhaps the most important advice, an aspect to your post that is easy to overlook by getting enmeshed with the relationship issues.
The basic problem may not be low libido but an underlying condition some simple. some serious that causes low libido.
I hope you will come back and let us know how you are doing and that you got the messages.