Thread: Help me decide, should i wait for marriage?

Each day i change my mind and my very understanding boyfriend refuses to have sex with me until i make up my mind, unfaltered for a month. Good Boyfriend!

FACTS:
-I've been with him for 9 months and i love him, i've known him and extra 6 months on top of that (friends first!).
-We are literally scarily perfect for each other. Everyone says so. Including me (big step for me trust me!)
-I'm 23, he is 25. He's been with one other woman. He said she was "loose"- compared to me anyway- could be why he always lasted so long.
-He is over 6 foot and below healthy weight (doctor is worried- he is healthy but just doesn't put on weight), I'm under 5 foot tall and I've got some meat on me, healthy.
-We talked about getting married after our education when we would have our "real jobs" which should be in 2013!
-I am currently still being raised by an overprotective, really religious, dominating, controlling, Roman Catholic Mother.
-I do not feel it wrong for others to have sex before marriage as long as they are responsible about it. But in myself i feel "wrong" and "dirty" though 'excited' about it. I could maybe except that we could have sex while engaged...he said he is going to ask me "soon"...but he won't tell me so any day now I guess!
-I was sexually abused (not sex) on my first kiss/sexual encounter day. And i was stupid and kept seeing him and even though i told him not to touch me afterwards because i was too shy to tell him to stop in the moment, he kept doing it... (not sure if this plays any part)

I've written for and against Virginity till my wedding night:
FOR
- Romance (I'd pass this aside to him being the only man i slept with regardless of when)
- Morals
- No pregnancy scares
- Makes my mother happy (she smells lies and i still live with her i can't afford not to)
- Something that will define a difference from a relationship, to a marriage.

AGAINST
- I am VERY sexual with a high drive, and i have a feeling he won't be able to please me from physical limitations (he has a 3.5" girth and a bend, and i am an outtie, could that get in the way?? I'm not sure if it does I'm new to this!)- i find the idea of a frustrating sex life for forever to be a big turn off. It's putting me off him. He is perfect in every other way. And i don't KNOW it will be bad, I'm just assuming. If i "Test drive" first than i will know my fears are false and i can rest easy and continue to move forward with him.
- What if we don't work physically or have unmatchable drives and are stuck with each other post marriage
- Horribly awkward wedding night, possibly painful or just not working (maybe i have a condition, who knows?!)
- Costly (hey condoms and Nuva rings as back up aren't cheap-especially at the rate we will go at it!)
- In 3 years a lot can happen, one of us could die, and we'd never get to share that special moment together- that would be my biggest regret in life ever.

We talk about it A LOT and are sexual in every other way (except anal - not our thing) so it all seems it will match up.

I'm scared I'll sleep with him on our wedding night and say that famous line "Ok, you can put it in", "It already is..."
Once he thrusted his finger in me (as opposed to 'come hither' motion), and i didn't feel a thing (as in literally i felt like nothing was inside me) and entirely relaxed everything from "boredom". Has anyone been with a thinner guy? Do you feel it inside you? Would a different motion of the ocean make it more noticeable inside? I have sensation inside that is more fun than my button and i want sex to pleasure me that way. I know there are certain positions that would also make me feel it better, but I'd hate to stick to a few positions when there are so many to try...

I can't live a lifetime of that "nothing inside" feeling, I'd feel robbed of an experience and cheating is out of the question. But I'm not sure I'm too comfortable with the idea of pleasuring myself with a "toy" with or without him in the picture- i want it to be pleasure on both our parts that's why sex is so wonderful compared to oral (69 is out of the question too...I'd bite down hard if he plays his cards right, haha). I think I'd resent him eventually and then get bored of sex and then he would resent me for not giving him enough. I claim to want it at least twice a day (which is pretty consistent with how many times i service myself, or at least want to). He's more than fine with this! haha.

At the end of the day if that was how it was going to be for me would i want to be with someone else?...Not particularly. He is too perfect for me, I'd never find someone with as beautiful a soul as his.

I've tried to forget about it but i can't...and it's ruining us. Should i just sleep with him to put my fears at rest so i can look at him longingly again? What if my fears are then confirmed? Should i leave him? I don't want to be shallow, but i do want to be honest...sex is a very big part of who i am, since as long as i've been sexually mature. It's not a phase and apparently it will only grow stronger as I'm no where near my peak and i get more sexual with each year.

I guess being a virgin and not stretched out would benefit this issue of the girth not being enough?

btw, I'm a worrier, if you hadn't picked that up.

I want to be responsible and see the gyno, but I'm scared because i don't want them to stretch me out, i'm reallllly scared that i will be loose. I've been doing kegels to music several times a day, and he has noticed a difference ( with his finger), and I'm scared to put anything there which might not keep me tight for him. I'm scared the first time he will boast how great i felt and as soon as I'm fully stretched he will stop feeling me as good as i once was on my "virgin no more" night. I'm scared i feel "tighter" than his ex because I'm a virgin and post sex i'll be just as loose as her, or worse. I even told him not to try 2 fingers anymore because i know for a fact he is thinner than his 2 fingers. 2 fingers feels good but only went in so far. And it was tight. Infact, he is thinner than my 2 fingers, and i barely felt a thing when i used 2 fingers (i have only went inside myself about 4 times.) I get very, very, very wet. That probably doesn't help.

I know he can't change how he is (would weight gain make him thicker???) , but i can change me, hence why I'm doing kegels. I'm terrified that the gyno or toys we might have to chose to use later will render me useless to pleasure him. I don't want to even get the Mirena anymore because it would stretch me to put it in.

I'm hoping because I'm short I'll be tighter than normal and so that he would feel bigger to me. When he uses his mouth or hands to please me i get in a frustrated state, despite communication i cannot cum until I'm on the brink for a good 10 minutes, i hyperventilate and go all numb on my arms and legs, get a headache, and get really frustrated and eventually sometimes (a handful) i cum. And it feels so good! But that frustrated feeling almost makes me get up and leave the room, it physically hurts to hold my breath that long (i can't breathe even though i try!) and i tense my whole body, and so all my muscles hurt- i even nearly pulled my calves. I always thought "at least a penis would do more so-called damage in there to push me over the edge" but now I'm not so sure. I've always looked at sex as the end all to frustration...I have little excitement in the nipples, or neck or even kissing. The only place that feels good to me is inside me, and i save that for boyfriends to only touch. My button feels good too but inside is the best, probably because i never touch it, so it's special and exciting and new.

I guess i want to know that you CAN feel a guy in you even if he is thin.

His ex also said the bend hurt her....would it hurt me?

I know i have to try...but if i feel guilty and dirty or worse, my fears are confirmed, then I'd be upset i did, but less upset than if my fears were confirmed after i said "I do".

I know he loves me and would do anything to make me happy and pleased, there is a lifetime of practice ahead of us. But i really don't like the idea of using objects. I only want him inside me.

I'm just asking for some advice, should i wait or not, and do you regret waiting? Or do you feel it was the right thing for you?

I'm pretty sure I'd rather find out now rather than later and feel a bit of "What a pity i didn't wait because it feels good", rather than, "I should have tried before because after 10 years of this i can't put up with it anymore". Or somethign like that. Would be way more messy that way.

I don't mean to be shallow, but I'm talking basic needs here. And in the end I know I'll marry him and i would even stand by him regardless. But I don't like getting into marriage unless I'm certain it will work and if i have a doubt now, then that's not worth getting into, imo.

Sorry for this being long, please don't flame me It's my one chance at sex and i know there is making love, but sometimes, I'd just want to get off. And i know not all people do from sex, but at least get some enjoyment out of it. Just some. I want to feel him inside me, that's all I'm asking! He is my only gateway to it, that's why there is all this pressure. If i had slept around i wouldn't care because I'd experienced it a least. The way i see it, sex is the only thing in a marriage you can't substitute anyone else for. If he isn't great at listening, get a best friend. Not great at cuddling, get a puppy. Not good at sex, get a vibrator??? lol...i guess there is an answer after all! And i'm not putting all the blame on him, I'm taking some responsibility too. I think i know my answer already, to at least have sex once, post engagement, before inviting people to a wedding. Easy. But i won't feel good about it...It will be a begrudging, pent up, explosion. lol

Thank you for any if any will answer or share their experiences.