My wife said that marriage is not about sex...

**mikeshaw411** · 09-23-2010 02:35 PM

Hi all.

A little backstory about my wife and I.

I'm 30, she's 25. We dated for about 4 years before getting married, and now have been married for 2 years. We both have had quite a few sexual partners in out past.

Before we got married, our sex life was normal. We didn't live together and had sex atleast 3 times a week. After we got married,our sex life dropped to once a week, to now maybe once or twice a month.

Here's the kicker, my wife slipped out and said that she was a "nympho" with one of her ex-boyfriends and that they had sex pretty much everyday,everywhere. and in every way. They even had sex in his car out in the woods and she wouldnt even dare do that with me. This was the boyfriend she dated before me.

I asked her why she wasn't a nympho with me, and she said that, "Marriage is not about sex" and that her and her ex-boyfriends relationship was just based upon sex. I am in no means a "sex addict" but like any other married male, I enjoy having sex, and he comments make me depressed thinking that maybe she not "sexually attracted" to me in that way. I'm just so confused right now. Any advice?

Thanks

**ManINeedACoffee** · 09-23-2010 02:52 PM

Marriage may not be about sex, but sex is certainly an important part of a sturdy marriage - it's how you show love and affection for each other and to keep that strong bond. To me, to say "I'm not a nympho with you because marriage isn't about sex" seems like an excuse. What's the REAL root of the problem for her? Is she never "in the mood"? Does she have certain attitudes about married life that conflict with yours? Will she tell you what the real issue is?

**rcoreyus** · 09-23-2010 03:11 PM

Ouch. The combination of her reducing sex after you got married and telling you she was a "nympho" previously in life is really mean. While its possible for a relationship to be only about sex, that doesn't mean that a relationship based on love can't have a lot of great sex.

Was she having lots of sex earlier just to "win" a husband?

I wish I had a useful suggestion, but all I can offer is sympathy - and let you know that if you wanted to I think you have every right to leave a relationship where you have been deceived. (I suspect though that you love her and don't want to leave....)

**liminal** · 09-23-2010 03:22 PM

Marriage should be about respecting other peoples feelings. It sounds like your wife has a problem with that.

**mikeshaw411** · 09-23-2010 03:24 PM

We had a pretty normal sex life...nothing freaky or nympho about it. We just had more sex before we got married. But the thought of her having freaky sex with someone else and not even attempting to do it with me, kills me.

**LanaBear** · 09-23-2010 03:30 PM

Has anything changed in her life? More stress, kids, etc.? Have you changed? Do you please her when you do have sex, is she satisfied? Have things become boring and monotonous, is there any spontaneity or romance in your relationship?

**masterchief** · 09-23-2010 03:56 PM

have some kids, sex will become less of an issue then

**Rediscovered** · 09-23-2010 04:27 PM

I hate to say this, but speaking for myself, there have only been two men in my life I've been able to be my sexually uninhibited freaky self with--the man I'm with now (I'm 50) and the young man I dated right after high school. All the men in between (including my ex-husband), just didn't bring that out in me.

I truly believe there is a whole perfect storm that has to happen for a woman to be her true sexual self...it has to do with chemistry, trust, *all* the senses, etc.

This is just my own personal opinion and I hope this isn't the case for you and your wife, but I just thought I would throw it out there.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-23-2010 05:38 PM

She stated he was her "boyfriend" but he was her lover... She purely viewed him on a sexual level, felt comfortable, having no inhibitions, adventure...if you will..

She stated that marriage is not about sex. So, I think she is saying there, that it's about love, she married you, because she loved you, he was just a sexual partner.

What you have to do though as she has adventure in her system, feels she couldn't be that lady/woman outside the bedroom and the tart in the bedroom, is to make her feel that it's "ok" to be two people, it's ok to let go of her inhibitions not to supress them for the rest of her life, and never let it out again.. Your okay with it, you love her, and know she loves you and this is what you concluded from that statement....

I think she is viewing sex as dirty and love as basic sex here and there, she may even have felt tarty from what she did, when what she needs to understand is it's okay to be yourself, express yourself, and enjoy each other...

**jns** · 09-23-2010 07:51 PM

So if marriage is not about sex, what is it about? What is it about to her? Having a house, nice things, someone to come home to, giving your best to your spouse, etc.? I'm sure she has some ideas about what she thinks it is about. How do those ideas mesh with yours? Can you live semi-celibate?