Constructive advice welcomed.

**JonDoe** · 09-27-2010 10:03 PM

Unfortunately, the last few years my wife and I have averaged sex once every three months, before that about twice a month for many years. We've been married 20 years, and any time I mention that I'd like to have more sex, that I need more, she tells me to stop counting and putting a number on it. However, about every two years I get through to her, and she agrees increasing intimacy (of any kind) would be good for our relationship, but things simply never change. She even came up with an idea a few years ago to write it down, and asked me to hold her accountable, but nothing changed.

I tend to her needs, to a fault, and she has multiple orgasms, but the planets need to be aligned for her. I need to take her to an expensive dinner, her weight has to be ideal, she can't be tired, the laundry has to be done, the grass cut, the kids have to be out of the house, the dog has to be feed and walked, the phone can't ring, etc.

If I touched her in a loving way outside of the bedroom, she would elbow me as hard as she could, and yell at me for grouping her, even if I walked up behind her, put my arms around her waist, and gently kissed her neck. Well, as you might have figured out, I haven't tried that in many, many years.

We never talk during sex either. She simply refuses to give any verbal feedback, won't make eye contact, and gets mad if I ask her if something feels good.

We never kiss during sex either. When I try to kiss her, she will say in an agitated voice: "Do you think this is a make out session?"

For the first 10 years of our marriage, she wouldn't let me give her oral sex, nor would she give me oral sex. Despite having tried many times to talk about sex outside of the bedroom, she would bring the conversation to an abrupt end. However, one night just before having sex I told her that I wanted to give her oral, and if she honestly didn't like it, then I'd never ask again. She reluctantly agreed expecting to end this once and for all; however, 10 years later, we never have sex without me giving her oral. However, she almost never gives me oral (read once every few years) and when she does it is with total lack of enthusiasm, and for no more than 1-2 minutes, and never once to orgasm.

Her nipples were off limits for many more years. However, a few years ago, something changed, and now I have to simultaneously finger her anus and vagina, lick her clitoris and rub her nipples, until she has multiple orgasms, regardless of if it takes two minutes or twenty. If she doesn't orgasm, it is my fault, and she gets very frustrated. Sometimes that ends it before we have intercourse. When we do have intercourse, she absolutely refuses to go more than 10 minutes, and if I am not already hard, then end of session too.

After years of rejection, I stopped trying to initiate sex years ago, and occasionally turn her down because the resentment is tough to overcome.

I'm am obviously a very patient man, or at least I was until now, but I am loosing my mind, and thinking of leaving, but don't want to hurt the kids. What should I do? Is there any hope? Are we too far gone?

**sourpuss** · 09-28-2010 08:02 AM

Is she this selfish and stubborn in the rest of the relationship?

**WildChild** · 09-28-2010 08:15 AM

Oh dear. You are not alone. We have other men here who deal with similar things and I wish I could wave a magic wand and heal this, I can't. Believe it or not there are men who are very much the same in their behavior. I've dealt with a couple. We have some women here too, who were much like your wife and turned it around. We've had a lot of discussion on this.

Has she always been this way. I mean not very into sex? What kind of sexual interaction did you have before marriage? As newly weds? Are there are religious factors to consider? If things were once good, are there any things you can think of that seem to be factors in a change - things like children, infidelity, substance abuse, meds, an accident - sometimes the oddest things can trigger a response in people. Have you tried counseling? What is her family like? Are her parents in united and loving relationships?

**JonDoe** · 09-28-2010 08:51 AM

Originally Posted by sourpuss

Is she this selfish and stubborn in the rest of the relationship?

To an extent, yes. Early in our marriage, before we had kids, we would read in bed, and when she decided it was time for lights out, that was it, immediately. She was not even patient enough to let me finish reading the page without her getting miffed. She expected me to watch TV that she enjoys, but she wouldn't watch shows that I like. Now we rarely watch TV or movies together.

She is a loving caring person. When it comes to friends, she would do anything for them. A few years ago, she even said that she treats friends better than she treats me, and that she needed to work on it. Nothing changed, zero, zilch, nada.

We spend almost all our our time away from each other, even when we are home. She sleeps in the master bedroom, and I either sleep on the couch or in the guest room. It's been that way for years. It has come up occassionaly during conversation with friends, and she laughs it off blaming it on me snoring. It pains me greatly, but perhaps more because our boys are not witnessing a healthy, loving relationship between their parents.

Her father pulled me aside once, and despite not being one to offer advice, told me he had a lot of respect for me, and he knows what it is like to deal with a difficult woman.

For me divorce has never seemed like a solution, but I fear that it seems like the only option now.

**sourpuss** · 09-28-2010 09:01 AM

I know I sound like a broken record on here, but I would suggest counseling. From what it sounds like, it would be hard to get her to go, but I think you should go on your own and let her know that you are going, and you'd like her to go as well.

**rcoreyus** · 09-28-2010 12:07 PM

I'm really sorry you are in this spot - you have my sympathy. I could have written almost the same letter you did. The only difference is that (stupid me), I introduced a vibrator into our lovemaking and now sex usually consists of me giving her an orgasm as quickly as possible with the vibrator (and often nothing for me).

Its miserable and I haven't found any solution. I do all the romantic things (flowers, dinner, back rubs, kisses, love notes, etc). She says she loves me and does want to hug and kiss, but nothing more, except every month or tow.

I wish I had a suggestion for what to do, but I don't. Like you, we've been married a long time (25 years), so I can't bring myself to leave over this - she would be lost without me.

Its too late for me, probably too late for you - maybe some of the younger readers will listen and not be in this situation 20 years from now.

**masterchief** · 09-28-2010 12:48 PM

Originally Posted by sourpuss

I know I sound like a broken record on here, but I would suggest counseling. From what it sounds like, it would be hard to get her to go, but I think you should go on your own and let her know that you are going, and you'd like her to go as well.

We tried that, difficult when your wife brands the councellor a liar after the second session and never wants to go back

Anyway, most of that sounds familiar with subtle differences. Even if you get some compromises, then it still has issues attached. I find I feel guilty that she's doing things just to keep me happy rather than something she wants to.

There are only a few options: fix it, suffer it, go seperate ways. You'll need to balance up the rest of your life around this problem.

**jns** · 09-28-2010 06:55 PM

Originally Posted by JonDoe

Her father pulled me aside once, and despite not being one to offer advice, told me he had a lot of respect for me, and he knows what it is like to deal with a difficult woman.

For me divorce has never seemed like a solution, but I fear that it seems like the only option now.

It sounds like your wife's mother is/was also strong willed and self centered.

You have another option if she would be willing to let you have a gf, but I think this is highly unlikely.