Thread: Scared, Happy, Confused

Like many of you, I am in a sexless marriage and struggling. I have been with my husband for 14 years, things started bad but I thought my excitement for sex would rub off once we were married and he was more secure in our relationship - I was definitely wrong. Things have gone from bad to worse to nearly non - existent. He gave me every excuse in the book and I too have lost self esteem and confidence through the continuous rejection. Many nights have been spent crying over the lack of desire my husband has for me. To make things worse, I caught him talking to over 30 women via email a few years ago. He was courting them online but I don't believe he ever actually met one of them. He said it was an addiction, that he has stopped but I still worry that he's just biding time with me until he finds someone else but maybe he just needs to feel like a man since he knows he can't give it up to his wife. I don't know what to think anymore.

For years I committed to protecting my family (I have a 2, 5 and 7 year old) and protecting myself from enduring a less "fortunate lifestyle". I told myself, being on my own and struggling as a single mom with three kids was not worth the price of sex after all who would want someone with 3 kids? I have a best friend/husband who takes care of me and the kids really well, why risk it? I have a nice home, I stay home with the kids, a nice car, a secure future, a great friendship, but no intimacy....

I finally caved and had sex with someone else the other day and it was incredible, it's all I can think about now. I know now that I can't go back to no sex but how do I manage on my own - with 3 young kids there is no guarantee that I will get any more sex than I do now- and I'll be on my own, it's so scary. I don't know what to do, just have affairs, leave - I am only 35!!! please help.

Cheating is wrong. I think you should have went to see a counselor with your husband to see why he is with holding sex from you. Also, it's a usual trend that sex becomes less frequent with time. So you should not have assumed he would have given you more sex before marriage, since that it when it happens most.
Make a decision. You could either save your marriage, in that he will too be willing to work to make you happy (more sex for you). Or leave the marriage with all the risks that come along with it. It's your life, no one can tell you what to do.

Slip him some Viagra!


(Yes I'm joking)


and I agree, cheating is wrong but its understandable why you did it. Wrong. But understandable...It can be hard to resist someone who makes you feel like a woman again.

Counselling's a good shout, go on your own first, ask what your counsellor would suggest. Is there anything you can try at home with him or how to ask him to join you in the sessions.

You obviously know that adultery is wrong, cheating is wrong. Withholding sex from your partner is wrong too. But two wrongs don't make a right......right? Not gonna beat you up for cheating, you know it's not the answer. And no, you can't have both.......you have to make a choice. If you're resolved yourself to the fact that you can no longer go without sex, and hubby is not willing to go to counseling to try to make this better, then it sounds like you have only one option. It's a tough situation you're in with the kids and all. But hubby needs to know exactly what this is doing to your marriage. Before you EVER got to the point of cheating, he should've known that was on your mind, and he should've been given the opportunity to either try to make it better, or get a divorce.

Maybe this is stereotyping, but I think that this is a common mistake that many women make. They view their man as a "project". One that they can remodel, reshape, and make into the perfect mate. When it does not happen, they see themselves as a failure. I'm a guy so let me share a "guy truth" with you. It's rare that we ever change. For the most part, we are pretty comfortable the way we are. So its a serious mistake to assume that you can change us. What you see is pretty much what you get. So if you don't like it, you should consider moving on... before marriage.

I don't mean to sound harsh. You have a lot invested wtih this guy and if you can get him to counseling it may be helpful. If your husband will not go with you, go alone. Cheating is not the answer (nor is confessing that you cheated to your husband). This affair could have really ugly consequences for you if he finds out and wants to divorce you on the gounds of adultery. You need not feel that no one would want a single mom with three kids. Lots of people would not mind that at all. You made a mistake in marrying someone that you were not satisfied with and thinking that you could change them. Nothing more nothing less. You should not lose confidence in yourself for this reason, just do not make the same mistake twice. The reason that your sexual liason was so incredible was that you felt wanted, needed, and desirable. That's totally understandable, but ultimately won't solve your problem. Try working this out via counseling. I don't like to encourage anyone to break up a family, but if your husband is having his own little Internet "affairs" and you can't work your way out of this loveless, sexless marriage, it may be the best thing for all concerned.

My thoughts and prayers for you.

Mav

I cannot stress enough how strongly I recommend seeing a counselor.

No one here can offer you much help other than to recommend getting professional help.

Take this seriously. You have a serious problem on your hands and you know it. Be responsible, do the responsible thing, get help.

I'm not saying you are doing anything wrong, I would probably do the same thing in your position, I'm just saying that you CANNOT handle all of this on your own. No one can. Seek help and find a way to make your life better, you, your husband, and your kids deserve it.