Need advice... sexual relations with my 11 year old daughter near by...

**geedee** · 10-01-2010 10:34 PM

I have 3 kids. My 2 older kids and I moved into my boyfriends house 7 years ago. My son was 13 and daughter was 4.

3 years ago my boyfriend and I had a son together. Now my daughter is almost 11 and she shares a bedroom with the 3 year old. Their bedroom connects to my bedroom that I share with my boyfriend. My daughter has been in that room since we moved in 7 years ago.

My 11 year old daughter is only in our house every other week. I have joint custody of her with her father. She suffers from night terrors and sleep walking so I have to monitor her sleeping and make sure the bedroom doors are always left open between us.... she wonders at night and goes in and out of my bedroom during the night to go to the bathroom, or just walk around, sometimes she is awake sometimes she isn't. In the past year the sleep walking has gotten more severe since she has started puberty.

My boyfriend waits for the kids to fall a sleep and with the door between the 2 bedrooms wide open and her facing right at our bed he thinks nothing of groping me or waiting until the in the middle of the night and trying to initiate sex from me. He also makes sexual gestures sometimes to me with her near by......... several months ago I had to demand he not walk around or sleep in his boxer shorts when she was there because his penis would hang right out. It took me really having to tell him I thought he was sick for him to wear regular shorts when she was around.

What do you think?

**SidneyAlive** · 10-01-2010 11:20 PM

Well I'm not gonna call him sick, however he seems to be missing the obvious if he doesn't get the point that he shouldn't be exposing himself to an 11 year old girl, geeeez...

**rcoreyus** · 10-01-2010 11:23 PM

I'd "remind" him first. If it takes more than one reminder, than I'd worry. Lots of people can do dumb things without thinking, but if he realizes that he is exposing himsellf to an 11 year old and doesn't stop - that doesn't sound good.

**Hopeless Dork** · 10-01-2010 11:37 PM

How long ago did the night terrors and sleepwalking start? Has she always had them? Could they be stress/trauma related? I am disturbed, deeply, by the fact that you TOLD him he was exposing himself and he didn't flush with embarassment and wear shorts IMMEDIATLY upon realizing his mistake. The fact that you had to all but call him out on being potentially a dirty old man in a raincoat flashing a child for him to do something about it ... is really, its not a usual behavior.

She is 11. She is not a baby anymore. The impressions he is making are memories that will last her entire life. You don't want her looking back on life with mom and have her major memories be of her boyfriends penis waving around on a sunday morning... its rediculous.

Maybe I am not the best person to answer this since I was abused by a family member for several years with his wife, also a family member... nearby almost every time. I have always wondered if she ever suspected, if she ever had any idea and chose to ignore it to my peril or if she was just blisfully ignorant of it all.

I am not trying to make you paranoid, I'm saying, she's your daughter so be vigilant.. make sure he knows the line of whats appropriate conduct and whats not and make sure that ylou have had the talk with her about whats appropriate conduct and whats not so that she is able to understand that, not just with him, but with any man... to know when someone is not behaving the way they should.

If you have ANY reason to suspect he may be innappropriate with her, do NOT close your eyes and ears to it and pretend if you don't believe it, its not happening... because that won't help your daughter one bit.

If you think he is not being innapropriate with her and that he is just lazy, forgetful... then just make sure you drill home to him the importance of taking all the extra precautions so that your daughter doesn't have to be exposed to that.

Would he wear his boxers with his penis dangling out if you had a friend over for lunch? Probably not. What about if the grandparents came to visit? If he knows how and when to be appropriate with everyone else except for her, i'd raise an eyebrow for sure.

Also does he act any differently when she is gone for the week with her dad? Does he still walk around the house like that and talk like that? Or only when she is there?

**geedee** · 10-01-2010 11:40 PM

See thats the thing... I have reminded him, I've told him point blank don't try to have sex or grope me when she is sleeping right there and can get up and walk in here at any moment and he gets pissed off and says "she is sleeping" and then he gets mad at me for still not wanting to have sex with him right then................ my thinking is that there is an 11 year old girl right there and she doesn't need to wake up to see her mother and step father about to have sex........ know what I mean.

What is wrong with him to not get that..... no matter how many times I tell him its not okay and I'm not comfortable with it. I don't want her seeing it.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-02-2010 12:01 AM

In my opinion, he has a whole week to grope you every evening, as you only have her ever other week..

He may see her as "his daughter", no big deal attitude, she has to see a man naked at some point.. But, he is not her Father, so take all those boxers, throw them in the bin, put bonds in his draw....and when he complains, tell him you'll buy some sexy feeling boxers he can wear and you will bring out on the weeks she isn't there. That should get the message across...

She suffers from night terrors and sleep walking so I have to monitor her sleeping

Have you established why? Is she receiving councelling?

You can have sex, when she is there, if the door is slightly closed for that moment, doggy style, slowly... so you both can see, stop, if you think you can, both of you,ask him to compromise....

**geedee** · 10-02-2010 12:02 AM

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

How long ago did the night terrors and sleepwalking start? Has she always had them? Could they be stress/trauma related?

She has had them since she was little...... and the talking and walking in her sleep all comes from her father whos done the same thing since he was little. The night terrors aren't so bad, only occasionally and its more of a yelling and crying.

I don't feel anything is going on with my boyfriend...... but I also don't understand where this blatant disregard for her welfare comes from.... he really was put out that he had to wear shorts instead of his boxers..... because "he gets hot at night"..... so my daughter gets to see your penis because you are to hot to cover it up? Anyway its been like 6 months since that whole battle went down and he hasn't worn the boxers around her since. But I had to really put it out there like he was sick and something was wrong with him for him to finally get it. Now my battle is the groping he does with her being able to see. I just feel like its common scene who would do that and its really causing me to not want to have relations with him at all. He's a pig and there is no way no how I'll stand for it.

If I thought for one minute that he was doing something he shouldn't with her I wouldn't even think twice, we'd be out the door with no if ands or maybes..... and I really feel so strongly about this groping thing that I consider this on the boarder of sexual abuse with her alone. I just want to some opinions because I'm so baffled about it. Thanks

**p3375** · 10-02-2010 02:46 AM

g:
Agree strongly with HD and CW here. Reading your origional post my mind just kept screaming 'danger'. Your bf may be having feelings or urges he doesn't conciously realize, much less understand. At eleven, daughtor is in the midst of a very emotional, vulnerable period in her life. I think you feel uneasy about bf's behavior for a very good reason, and believe it's up to you to be watchful and strong and protective. Listen to your instincts and don't be afraid to keep addressing issues as they come up.
Pat

**Hopeless Dork** · 10-02-2010 07:45 AM

gee, I hope you don't feel offended at my concern over that and hoping that you pay close attention to the appropriateness of his behavior in front of you and possibly what his behavior is when you aren't even around. Talking to your daughter in general about levels of appropriateness from ALL people not just him, can help make sure that she's safer, not just in your home but anywhere else she goes.

It probably seems rediculous to think that a man would act weird to his own stepdaughter or girlfriends daughter that they've helped raise, but .. God, it happens... girls are stastically more likely to be abused by dads/ step-dads, uncles, older cousins, grandfathers or a close friend of the family than any stranger. Not only have I had many friends growing up, along with myself that have endured being hurt by a family member... I watched a special with oprah where they took the camera's inside a sex offender group therapy session (hiding the faces of course) of men that had abused someone in their home, neice, girlfriends daughter, etc... and they were very candid about grooming processes and how they get the child comfortable with sexuality including exposure, pushing bounderies, seeing how far they can get.

I know you have said that you don't believe this to be an issue with your boyfriend, and I"m glad to hear that if you did believe something like that you'd get away from him right away, so i really hope you don't think I'm saying ' you're bf is doing something bad, or is gonna' because of the concern... I know you can't be paranoid, but if he's walking around the house exposing himself and refuses to consider the effects its having... it could be that he is doing that purposefully... OR that he doesn't respect your wishes enough to take 10 seconds to cover himself and to stop with innapppropriate displays of sexuality towards you in front of her.

**geedee** · 10-02-2010 10:23 AM

No I'm not offended at all.... thats why I posted here to get other opinions. I honestly feel like he just doesn't care... its not his kid so who cares if she sees it.... he more or less has the attitude that "she wont see"...... he's just clueless and really an all around pig. Just like he thinks nothing to cuss like a sailor in front of the kids.

I've already drilled her on inappropriate behavior so I'm pretty confident if anything happened to her she would tell me or her father.