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Thread: Sex outside a committed relationship

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    VIP Member Array Sweet Lady's Avatar
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    Default Sex outside a committed relationship


    Hi,

    I have been married for 10 years; was a 23 year old virgin (yes, its possible!!). I am eeeked by the idea of having another penis in me but my husbands. Not withstanding that I love him very much and know he would be broken if I even kissed another man, I sometimes wonder what sex would be like with another man.....
    I have been attracted to other men but never let them get close to me (guarding my heart for my hubby). I get very cold towards men making advances on me and they just back-off!!

    My question is, is it possible to cheat once and still remain in a committed reletionship? Do you tell your spouse/partner/boyfriend later in life because of the guilt or you go to the grave with it? What has your experience been?

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    Not to say that I've done it,
    but to (too :- ) grave it is...

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    July 2011 Poster of the Month Array kristalyn_04's Avatar
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    It's possible, but very difficult. You tell your partner, obviously they would be upset and heartbroken, and probably have issues trusting you again. It would take a lot of work to get that trust back, if they don't leave you. If you keep it to yourself, there's always the risk of them finding out somehow on their own, which would be even worse because you were sneaking around and were deceitful. The only moral way to go outside the relationship is to get your partner's permission, possibly even include them. However, even that can cause problems later on, so you would have to decide if it's worth the risk. Bottom line, it's never ok to cheat... and if you do it once, you might feel inclined to do it again, and your partner will never trust you and would have every right to leave you.
    How can you see where you're going if you spend your whole life looking over your shoulder? –Naughty Ninja

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    Veteran Member (800+ posts & member 1 year+) FEBRUARY 2011 POSTER OF THE MONTH Array stressed's Avatar
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    - Sex with another man: It is always different with a different person, but that does not make it better overall. If you have sex with 10 men in your life, all 10 will do everything differently. Some might be great at kissing, others better with their hands, and so on, but what ultimately matters is to enjoy sex with the man you're in love with. You can do different sexual things with your husband, just as many as you'd do with another man, so it's not worth going through cheating just to try something "different". Plus, if you find that the other man is a lot better than your husband then you risk putting your marriage in danger.

    - To be able to cheat and return to your partner without feeling any guilt, you have to either not be in love with your husband or to separate sex from love. As in, sex is just physical but love is special and only for your husband. If you're in love with your husband you will feel guilty for cheating on him no matter the reason.

    - If you tell about it, well, it depends on why you did it. If you feel guilty about it every day you will eventually tell him (in the same way that criminals tell about their crime to somebody either to brag or let it out). If you did it just for sex and you don't believe that it's wrong to have sex with men other than your husband, you won't feel any guilt and you probably won't consider it important enough to tell him.

    - Whether you 'should' tell him about it, well, considering that you're already thinking about cheating (not necessarily going to act on it, but still) you should tell him what you feel before you cheat. What is it that leads you to such thoughts, what are you missing, what would you like your husband to do, talk to him about sex and people who have multiple partners vs those who've only had one.

    In general, cheating is not worth the trouble.

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    WH Head Moderator Array WildChild's Avatar
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    Why would you want to do this?
    We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer

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    VIP Member Array foxdana's Avatar
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    I think stressed is right. Talk to your husband before you do anything! He may be having the same feelings as you or may be willing to change your marriage boundries so he can have sex with someone else too. How would you feel if the situation was reversed? Would you be willing to let him sleep with someone else, so you can?

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    VIP Member Array lonestar's Avatar
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    Once you have sex with another person... you are no longer in a committed relationship.
    vivre bien

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    VIP Member Array Sweet Lady's Avatar
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    Hi All,
    Thanks for the insight stressed and kristalyn04. You have just reminded me of why I have been faithful all these years. Truth is, I have been getting attention from a very handsome man and have not felt the way I do since I met my husband - the butterflies, strong attraction, etc. I know it is not love but just a lust thing which I hope will be over soon.
    I love my husband more than anything. I know he would be heart broken and never trust me again.
    I have spoken to him about what sex is like with others. He says it is not like with me as he loves me and is in love with me. I took that answer with a bit of doubt as he cheated on me 3 years ago with 3 women in one year. Long story cut short, I decided to give him another chance and through it all I have been faithful to him. Unfortunately after reuniting with him i have not satisfied sexually. I think I am peeking and he is on the slow down. This stresses me alot as I want more than 3 times a week. He seems stressed out by trying tokeep our businesssup and running and making me happy.

    This month we will be going to a mens clinic to see if he is okay. Hope to get answers.

    Wild Child - It has crossed my mind, I am curious to know (or was curious). From what I have read, it is not worth it (not that I didn't know that truth all along).

    Stressed - THANKS, you just knocked sense into me.......you have just saved me from making the biggest mistake ever.

    Thanks a lot. It helps to have a place to be open about such things and remain faceless.

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    VIP Member Array CharlesV's Avatar
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    CHeat on him with 3 men a year and it will be even!

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    July 2011 Poster of the Month Array kristalyn_04's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CharlesV View Post
    CHeat on him with 3 men a year and it will be even!
    No. Cheating is never the way to solve problems, it only makes it worse.
    How can you see where you're going if you spend your whole life looking over your shoulder? –Naughty Ninja

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