Accepting that men can not make me orgasm

**BSimple** · 10-10-2010 08:17 PM

I am a 33 y/o women who has never had an orgasm through sex. Most guys can not make me cum orally either. I can bring myself to orgasm easily. I was even married for 7 years and he could orally but thats it. I really enjoy sex and since i know I wont orgasm I like it rough and even like it to last a while. I am divorced and havent had a serious relationship in 7 years since my divorce because I like my independence. I am healthy and in good shape. Because of all this I can go without all though thats no fun. Do you think faking it or telling the guy if he asks if I came to say even though I didnt? I guess I am just coming to terms with the fact that I probably wont ever orgasm thru sex.

**stressed** · 10-10-2010 09:38 PM

I think it's better for you, and probably the guy as well, to tell him beforehand or just at a relevant time, that you don't orgasm by sex. If you haven't talked about it before sex and he asks you right after it I think you should be honest, for the sake of you both. It's nothing you can do about or control, it's not the guy's fault, so there's no point lying for him. He won't get hurt either because it won't be his fault.

I'm 26, have had 3 sexual partners, lied to the first two about it (they rarely asked if I had an orgasm, but when they did I claimed that of course I had one), told the third one that this is how things are and I just feel much better about it. I can understand it can be disappointing for some men to know that they might never be able to bring their partner to an orgasm, but that's how many women are and I think it's just better to let them know about it instead of feeling bad about this situation.

I still just think it's sad in a way that we may never have an orgasm by sex, since we do enjoy it. Some say books help, but I've never read one of those.

**foxdana** · 10-11-2010 12:25 AM

If you can bring yourself to orgasm, can't you show a man what you are doing and have them do that for you? That way you get the orgasm and they get the satisfaction of getting you there!

**stressed** · 10-11-2010 12:59 AM

Originally Posted by foxdana

If you can bring yourself to orgasm, can't you show a man what you are doing and have them do that for you? That way you get the orgasm and they get the satisfaction of getting you there!

That requires:

- A skillful and willing partner with whom to try several positions in order to get it right, who would not feel like a failure if he did not get it right after ten different positions (rare).
- Even so, it's hard to know what it is that can make you reach a vaginal orgasm if you haven't had one. Clitoral orgasms are easier to achieve, but they can still require a lot of effort and understanding from the other.

I can bring myself to orgasm within less than a minute, I've shown a partner how to do so, yet no man has ever given me one. Plus, after years of it not happening it kind of gets to you and you eventually believe that it will never happen, which makes it even more difficult for it to happen even if it's theoretically possible.

**WildChild** · 10-11-2010 07:33 AM

Don't fake it. Be honest. Yes, you should try sharing and demonstrating how you get yourself to orgasm. He has fingers and should be able to get you there. Once you have a mental association with a man and your orgasm, it may become easier to cum with him.

Your emotional connection can play a critical role. I have had some partners that I have been very responsive with and multi orgasmic (my last one I never didn't cum with him) and others with whom it just doesn't happen. The man I'm seeing now is a very attentive, caring lover but I just can't quite get there with him. Somehow our energy just isn't flowing that way.

You have to keep working on it, learning new skills, learning what works for you, how to communicate it and then finding the right man. If you can bring yourself to orgasm, a man can get you there too. You have to be open to it. The mind is our biggest sexual organ.

**lonestar** · 10-11-2010 12:41 PM

Guys can tell when you don't come because you're muscles don't spasm like they would during orgasm. Most will know that you're lying if you tell them you came. That being said, some guys are oblivious cause they are focused on their own pleasure.
And I agree with foxdana, teach them. Some guys have no CLUE what they are doing down there...that and every woman is different. Show him what you like, it'll probably turn him on (bonus!)... guys want to please their woman. Most will try to learn. Don't get discouraged if it takes them a few times- pleasing a woman is a little more difficult.
And I hope this doesn't come across as offensive, I don't mean it to be, but have you seen a medical professional? Maybe they can point in the right direction of something that can help you? Or maybe try going to an adult store with your man...

**Mes T** · 10-11-2010 08:10 PM

Originally Posted by lonestar

have you seen a medical professional? Maybe they can point in the right direction of something that can help you?

I don't think it sounds like it has anything to do with that, just possibly a combination of a mental block, lack of communication, and lack of desire from partner to want to learn.

I'm ashamed of myself but I'm in the same boat. I'm ashamed because I feel like if I just communicated to him what I need, then he might be able to do it. Trouble is it's been a year now with me not saying anything about it, and he in turn has never asked me if I've come or not. How to bring it up without hurting his feelings. That's the ONE thing stopping me.

Ugh male egos....

**dr.mansview** · 10-11-2010 09:45 PM

i think mes_t may have partially hit on the answer..the male ego..if you are upfront to your partner and simply say "i don't orgasm with a man", he may take that as a challenge and go the extra mile in effort..

**KDia03** · 10-11-2010 09:55 PM

I've never been able to orgasm, ever- not by myself and not with my partner. I told my boyfriend before we had sex that I've never done it, that it's hard for me, blah blah blah... and it really took the pressure off. He said later that he was glad I told him, because it made him feel more comfortable and reassured. Although we still have fun trying to reach this seemingly impossible feat, it's not something that's really that big of a deal if you tell your partner in advance.

As for me, I think it's a control issue. I don't want to be completely free, because I worry about the zillion and one consequences if I do. Will it be weird/embarrassing? Will it wet the bed too much? Will it hurt (I often get numb/oversensitive whenever I think I'm getting close)? How will my partner react? Will this cause us to obsess too much about reaching it again, and thus make sex a stressful affair? Yadda yadda... I don't know. It's not something I am really concerned about.

**BSimple** · 10-11-2010 10:30 PM

Thanks for all the advice. You may a point about the connection aspect..the only guy that could make orgasm orally was my ex-husband...but then again he even did the first time.. maybe thats why I married him...lol. Anyway I dont have a boyfriend, usually I have sex sporadicly and its casual. Actually I dont evn try to have an orgasm. I think it has to with trust issues I have. I am not able to relax fully. Anyway, Its no big deal really. And yes I have a toy that takes care of me...so no big deal.