Am I just not sexually compatible with my husband?

**themeximini** · 10-10-2010 10:39 PM

My husband and I have always had a great sex life, but I feel like we don't match up sexually at all. The only sexual partner I had before my husband was 16-17 while we were together, so I guess I completely took for granted how easy it was for him to climax whenever he wanted to. My husband is not like this at all.
Typically we have more sensual sex with slower more gentle thrusts first until I have an orgasm, and then for me the pleasure is over. In order to have an orgasm, my husband needs to basically bang away at me as hard and fast as he can for a good 15 minutes (sorry but there's just no nice way to put it!). If it were just a matter of it not being greatly pleasurable to me, I would just put up with it the way I did before we had our daughter.
Now this type of action feels like agony to me. I had extensive tearing when I gave birth and my episiotomy scar positively throbs after about five minutes of this type of thrusting. I hate it, but I eventually usually have to stop him and ask if there is any possible way he is going to have an orgasm anytime soon because I'm starting to hurt. Usually this isn't going to happen so I finish him off with a hand job. Oral is not an option because I simply cannot recreate the motion he needs to have an orgasm. I frequently give him blowjobs as foreplay, but he has said before I could do it for three hours and he would not have an orgasm.
He isn't incredibly happy with the way things are going and neither am I. I wish we could just have "normal" sex. My husband says he has always been like this and has never had a partner that complained his thrusting hurt before. He is always incredibly understanding and sweet when I tell him we have to stop because I am in pain, but it's obvious it frustrates him.
Anyways, he requires this absolutely frenzied motion in order for a hand job to work for him, and I know he masturbates pretty often, so I wonder if he is simply used to this intense friction that I can't provide. I'm wondering if there is any way we can retrain him to like different actions during sex? I just hate that for one of us to be happy with our sex life, the other one has to be miserable. Any advice??

**foxdana** · 10-11-2010 12:09 AM

Maybe ask him not to masturbate for a week or so then try again. He might be so horny that he will cum within a couple of minutes! Might be worth a try! I know if I masturbate, with a vibrator too often, I find it hard to cum from my hubby's finger, the stimulation is very different.

**stressed** · 10-11-2010 12:19 AM

It seems like he is overly used to his own hand movement/speed. I don't see a solution unless he cuts down on masturbation. I find it odd that he doesn't think of doing so by himself, since it is something that frustrates him as much as you do. He cannot blame you for something that is caused by his own habit.

It won't change if he keeps masturbating frequently. It may not change even if he does cut down on masturbation (he may have lost a great number of feeling due to his aggressive masturbation pattern), but it's something worth trying.

My SO has the same problem regarding oral/hand from my end and I believe he is unable to orgasm in this way simply because he's been masturbating too much for several years in the same way.

**WildChild** · 10-11-2010 07:53 AM

This is one reason the episiotomies are a bad idea. A tear will heal with less scaring and trouble. However there is little to be done about that now. Using a kegel master or some other resistance device to improve kegel effectiveness may well help. It will also reduce the high likelihood of trouble with incontinence later on due to tissue and nerve damage.

I think Stressed is right that if he gives Rosie a rest and keeps his hands off himself for a while, he may become more responsive.

**themeximini** · 10-13-2010 01:17 AM

Originally Posted by WildChild

This is one reason the episiotomies are a bad idea. A tear will heal with less scaring and trouble. However there is little to be done about that now.

Believe me, I was incredibly upset about it. I changed doctors immediately after the delivery of my daughter. My gyno on separate occasions stripped my membranes and gave me an episiotomy without telling me he was going to do either. Then he rolled his eyes at me when I told him that made me feel violated. Unbelievable.

Thanks for the advice everyone, hoping he will lay off the alone time.

The more I think about this, the more I think it has to do with me and not him. Anyone know if there's anything that can be done to make my scar less painful?

**Allie602** · 10-13-2010 01:52 AM

It is not about you. Every woman is different. When a man says that none of his other partner had a problem with the trusting shows an ignorance about sex. You stand a very high chance of not having sex with him at all if you don't reach some kind of accommodation. If you hurt with the way he is trusting then he is going to have to learn how to have sex so that it is mutually satisfying.

Sit with him away from the bedroom think about what you want to say in a kind and gentle way. You have to let him know how serious a problem this is and you both need to work on it. If he is resistant maybe he would be open to reading a book about male and female sexuality and read it together. If still resistant to change you need to let him know that you may start feeling less and less like having sex with him. If that does not work then stop having sex with him. And tell him you need to talk. There is nothing like no sex to get a man's attention.

**WildChild** · 10-13-2010 08:16 AM

Originally Posted by themeximini

He isn't incredibly happy with the way things are going and neither am I. I wish we could just have "normal" sex. My husband says he has always been like this and has never had a partner that complained his thrusting hurt before. He is always incredibly understanding and sweet when I tell him we have to stop because I am in pain, but it's obvious it frustrates him.
Anyways, he requires this absolutely frenzied motion in order for a hand job to work for him, and I know he masturbates pretty often, so I wonder if he is simply used to this intense friction that I can't provide. I'm wondering if there is any way we can retrain him to like different actions during sex? I just hate that for one of us to be happy with our sex life, the other one has to be miserable. Any advice??

I've dealt with this with men before; both the response that, "no one ever complained before" and the desensitization due to frequent and hard masterbation.

I agree with Allie that you need to talk away from the bedroom in a non threatening arena. Men can be very fragile where sexual performance is concerned. While it is likely that over time your pain may resolve, that could be a long time and you don't want to end your desire for sex in the meantime. He needs to keep his hands off himself and needs to understand why. Perhaps the two of you can make a compromise. He keeps his hands off, you will work with him to relieve him sevually? He will probably need to just be hands off for a week or two at least though to start to be responsive to different stimulation. There is a wonderful book, One Hour Orgasm, that describes a very sensual way of arousing and pleasuring a man (it describes it for women as well) perhaps you could both learn this gentler way, which actually creates a more intense orgasm.

If, rather than seeing this as a disaster in your sex life, the two of you can see it as an opportunity to create a new level of intimacy, caring and pleasure, this could turn out to be the silver lining.

I would file a complaint about the doctor who mistreated your body. Episiotomys are not routine these days. You should have been educated in how to work your pernium to toughen it and help it be more elastic during your pregnancy, to reduce tearing. The doctor should know that tears heal faster, cleaner and with less scaring than cuts. I did this and had two natural deliveries with no tearing at all. There is no justification for keeping women in the dark about self care.

**masterchief** · 10-13-2010 08:46 AM

You might need to get hold ready before you jump on. It seems like he needs to leave it alone for a while and you are the only one allowed to touch him. As above, a week without should have some effect.

Work out what turns him on, it's not just physical. If you think you;ve tried everything, then try some of the adult videos (or a quick search on google).

It sounds wrong, or that he's not interested enough. If he's turned on then it shouldn't take that much more to finish it.

The idea of it hurting someone else would be enough for me to lose interest and not continue.

**Allie602** · 10-13-2010 11:39 PM

Originally Posted by WildChild

I'v

I would file a complaint about the doctor who mistreated your body. Episiotomys are not routine these days. You should have been educated in how to work your pernium to toughen it and help it be more elastic during your pregnancy, to reduce tearing. The doctor should know that tears heal faster, cleaner and with less scaring than cuts. I did this and had two natural deliveries with no tearing at all. There is no justification for keeping women in the dark about self care.

I have to really agree with Wildchild. When I read that part of your post I felt enraged. You need to do the right thing to get this doctor to change his ways. This is not trivial and he knows it. He is dismissive because he hopes you will not take it any further.

The reason I think you should lodge a complaint is to make him learn how to treat patients. There are a number of things you can do. You can lodge a complaint with the state licensing board, Do it in writing with all of the information that you can provide. You can find the name of the person who is head of the board from the web site for your state. First call and tell the person what you are going to do and follow it up with the letter. The complaint stays on his record for his entire career if he gets more complaints he may have his license restricted or not renewed. He knows this and will be very careful from then on.

You should also the hospital where he has privileges to practice. The person you should large the complaint with will depend on the hospital, you can call the hospital and speak to the head of nursing.

**Jester** · 10-14-2010 04:40 AM

OK, speaking from a guy's point of view that has this issue, tell him that this is very uncomfortable for you. If you were into this it would be different but it hurts you. Find something that stimulates his mind. If he looks at porn watch it with him to see what excites him. If there is some act, kink look etc. that gets him extremely excited look to see what you can do together to bring on that response. Also the above posters are correct he needs to take a break from masturbating. That has a big impact on me. Approach this from a caring, sensitive point of view that you are trying to make sex better for him. If he feels like he isn't good enough he may get defensive.