exteme pain during intercourse

**married07** · 10-16-2010 03:07 PM

I know I roped you in here with the title "pain during intercourse" but since Im new here let me tell you a few things about myself. I am a 25 year old male who has been married for 3 years to my beautiful 23 year old wife. Yes I know this is a women's forum but I figure who better to ask about womans health problems then, well, women.

As the title says my wife has extreme pain during intercourse but let me give you some background info so you can see where Im coming from. My wife and I were both raised with strict moral guidelines and therefore we waited to have sex until after the wedding night. Much to my suprise and dismay the actual intercourse did not happen until 4 months after the wedding night. Thats how long it took for my wife to completely insert me because she had a very very tight vagina. So much so that it made her gyno complain that she was hurting her fingers by clamping down on them during the exam. Also add the fact that Im 7 1/2 inches and girthy and 4 months later...it finally happened.

Now my wife back then had pain inside and out during sex but I always assumed it was because she was new to sex and things still needed to loosen up. But things never got better in fact that just went downhill. After the pain persisted then the vaginal dryness set in. I cant remember the last time she had any moisture down there.( yes we use lube,lots) The pain seemed to never go away, she became less and less interested in sex, and she became depressed. I unfortunately am a very sexually driven guy and could have sex multiple times a day. Therefore I was always asking for it and she was never giving it. Which caused alot of stress in our marriage and we ended up in counseling for 6 months. The counseling didnt do anything with the sex but it definately did help us communicate better. From there we went from doctor to doctor and ended up trying hormone therapy. The doctor said her testesterone was low and injected her with a testesterone pill in her muscle. The therapy was expensive and a failure. It didnt change her sex drive at all and never made the pain go away. In fact all it did was make her hair fall out.

Now three years have passed and she and I are miserable and have a hard time with our situation on a daily basis. She has physically shut her self off and wont even help me in other ways to help me with my sex drive. Manual stimulation, oral, or anal. I have tried counseling, modern medicine, toys, lotions, how to videos, loads of foreplay, advice from family, etc. But at this point she physically pushes me away. Im nearing my wits end and cant hardly accept the fact anymore that when I come home and want my wife that Im never wanted back. If you have any helpful advice, Please post your ideas.

facts about her symptoms

she has a normal period with no really bad pms or pain
she has a burning pain on the outside under the entrance to her vagina
she has really intense muscle pain inside
actual intercourse has never been more than 15 mins long and never more than once a week or two,
more like once a month
she is allergic to latex and oil based lubes
we use loads of water based lubricant ( astroglide)
she has no desire to engage in any sexual contact

**LanaBear** · 10-16-2010 06:09 PM

Wow, what an unfortunate situation... I wish I had some advice, but as I read, you've appeared to try everything I would have even suggested.

So, just bumping up hoping that someone on here can give you some good advice on how to deal with this.

**jjasmine** · 10-16-2010 07:00 PM

all i can really say is try to show your wife how much you love her, and don't pressure her to have sex no matter how hard that may be! oftentimes pressure to do something makes a person not wanna do it even more. but tell her that it is not something worth giving up on. im sure at this poiint the entire idea of sex turns her off because in her mind, it equals pain. just try to be there and hang out liek you guys did when you were falling in love, dont even hint at sex, then im sure that inevitably if it is meant to be, and if you are still in love as before, you will find yourselves both turned on. TAke YOUR time. im taking a sex class (fact- 21/+minutes! of foreplay makes over 90%women orgasm! not to mention makes her very wet) and im a woman myself and learning just how complicated pleasing a woman can be! however, its important to remember though that despite all the confusion and what may seem at first like complications, good relationships/sex/life is just about COMMUNICation, patience, and sensitivity to the needs of your loved one. i know and can see that you have been patient and sound like a very nice man and good husband, but if all else fails, id hate to give ultimatums, but maybe just TELL her how you REally feel---- tell her you cant stand coming back to your own home to find coldness and distance, and that you cant live like that anymore. we only live this life ONCE= we cant subject ourselves to unhappiness! no matter what the form. if you guys have tried and tried and tried your best but still arent seeing eye-to-eye, it could be time to part ways and agree that it just isnt meant to be.

**ItsASecret** · 10-16-2010 07:09 PM

This is sounding more like an underlying physical problem. If her muscles hurt from the inside it is obviously not because of you because well you cannot even get in there to begin with. Pain does not happen without a definite reason, the problem is finding that reason. Has she seen any specialized doctors? Endocrinologists?, gastroenterologists?, a different gynecologist?

**WildChild** · 10-16-2010 08:25 PM

A couple things come to mind, This could well be a combination of things going on. The tightness to the point of causing the doc to complain - have you discussed this with the doctor? What did she say if you did? Could this be tension? Women who are deeply ingrained with the idea that sex id 'dirty', 'sinful' and really for procreation only, can be very literally uptight up about it. One thing that may help, at least from a physical standpoint, would be doing kegels. Unassisted they are only slightly effective, the question would be whether she would be open to using a medically licensed kegal master device to exersize the pc muscles? The device does look rather like a slender dildo. I know many people think kegels are to thighten the muscles but they are actually to strengthen and control them. This may allow her to relax her muscles at will.

Another thing that comes to mind is the question of what you are using for conception control? She is allergic to latex and to oil based lubes. Are you using condoms? If so I'm going to assume that they are lubricated or have spermacide on/in them? And you have been using Astroglide water based lube. I'm betting she could be paraben sensitive. This cheap preservative is found in a host of personal products including most lubes and spermicides. About 10% of people are sensitive or down right allergic (I am very allergic). This stuff has been banned in Europe and is slowly being replaced in products in the US. It is found in every breast tumor although it is as yet unclear if the parabens cause the tumors or the tumors just collect it.

My own reactions include flaking, peeling skin, cracking and bleeding, swelling,and great deal of discomfort. Testing for chemical sensitivities is an iffy thing. It doesn't always show up in a traditional allergy test. Just like a food sensitivity you can remove it, which will mean checking every lotion, shampoo, cosmetic, toothpaste, body spray, detergent - pretty much every product in your home and keeping her from contact with it for probably at least a month and see what happens. This will mean you have to keep away from it too so as not to bring her into contact with it through contact with you. The stuff is insideous and as an 'inert' ingredient, is not always listed on the lable. Given it's connection to breast cancer I think everyone should avoid it anyway.

Of my own knowledge lubes that don't have parabens (methyl, butyl. propal, isopropal) are:
KY Warming Jelly
KY Sensual Silk tingling
KY Sensual Silk Personal Lubricant
Astroglide New Glycerine and Paraben Free (it says this right on the product, the other Astorglide products have paraben)
Pink silicone
Yes organic water based
Gun Oil silicone

There are probably other paraben free products but keep in mind that you have to check every lable. Most KY products have it, just because something says 'hypoallergenic' doesn't meqn paraben free - not at all. The best source will be an adult store, they typically will have a large selection and may even have a display of paraben free products.

Also keep in mind that any lubricated condom is very likely to contain parabens.

I know this is a hassle, believe me I know, I've lived with it for many years, BUT if this is the problem or part of the problem, there aren't any other choices for dealing with it. Finding out falls into that area of it won't hurt to eliminate it and might help, it might just completely alter your sex life, or lack of sex life. I know for myself a reaction can be very immediate especially if I'm already sensitised from some other sources of exposure.

If this is a problem for her and you get this stuff out of her life, she will find a change in many ways. Her whole body will feel better. If she wants a doctor's opinion on this she needs to see a dermatologist.

**married07** · 10-16-2010 10:20 PM

ItsASecret - we have been to a normal family practice doctor, a hormone therapy doctor, a endocrynoligist, and two diff gynos. They all tell us that there is nothing wrong with her, one even told me it was all in her head.

WildChild- we dont use condoms and she was on birth control up until recently, as for the paraben thing. There could be something here with that and definately is worth investigating. Thank you

Thanks for the input so far everybody

**ItsASecret** · 10-16-2010 10:34 PM

If her doctors are saying medically they see nothing wrong then not much else can be said there. I am assuming that she has also had ultrasounds or other scans done? Has she been off the pill for more than 3-4 months?- this is the rough amount of time needed to remove the pill completely from all systems in the body. Only other thing I guess you can do is the drastic harsh removal of anything with the word paraben in it. At the very least it can put both of your minds at ease to at least know if that is what is contributing to your wife's pain and then you can work on things from there. But if it is not the culprit then your pretty much hooped and back at square one in which case I have no idea what it could possibly be.

**Altair** · 10-17-2010 12:19 AM

Have you guys tried with aphrodisiacs like horny goat weed?

**caterpillar79** · 10-17-2010 01:12 AM

I don't think that would address the main issue, Altair, it might help but it won't solve it.

OP, do a Google search about "painful intercourse" (dysparenuia) and look for the article written by Dr. David Delvin and Christine Webber. I hope it would give you some more insights. Also, try to see another OB-GYN/Oncologist if possible, as well as a doctor trained by the Institute of Psychosexual Medicine (IPM) - depending where you are, I hope you have one close by.

**married07** · 10-17-2010 05:31 AM

ItsASecret - yes shes had ultrasounds and scans. Even had an MRI done to check her pituitary gland, ya that one was costly 3600 bucks out of my pocket. Her insurance is horrible, she has been off the pill for a stint before but not that long. Right now shes only been off it for a month or so. And yes Im going to go on a anti-paraben campaign right away, as that sounds like it could really be something to check out.

Altair - oh if it were only that simple. The only thing I can say is been there done that and was disapointed. Remember I have had 3 years of my life to stair up at the ceiling at night and think about why this is happening.

caterpillar79 - I have done that search and believe it or not I have also read that article. Which made alot of sense and now I have a theory. Maybe something like paraben is giving my wife pain on the outside. Which in turn makes the whole idea of sex unbearable and therefore puts her mind in a " I dont think so " kind of state. So in turn us trying to gently "force it " causes the muscles to cramp inside. Which is more pain and just makes it even worse and worse.