Thread: My partner's low sex drive is completely destroying our 4 year relationship. Help?

I really don't know what else to say.

I'm 22, she's 21.

We've been together for nearly four years and have been best friends for around seven. Before we started dating, she'd hook up with someone every six months or so and that's all she really 'needed'. I've been in relationships on both ends of the spectrum, ranging from sex everyday (sometimes twice a day) to sex once a week. As long as I've known her, she's never been like that, though.

We've been together a while now, and I was thinking that after we "settled down" a bit, we'd have sex a bit more often. We used to average once a month or so (since we lived with our parents and could only see each other a few times a month anyways) and I thought that, given some time, things would change. Turn the page and it's 2010... and we've been living together for a little over 2 years and I'm lucky if we do *anything* sexual more frequently than once a month. We kiss, cuddle and hold hands just like any other couple, but when it comes to a romp in the sack... it's almost always a no-go or no-show.

Tonight was definitely the last straw. The last time we "hooked up" was sometime during the first or second week in September. It's been well over a month now and I honestly, deep down, feel like just can't take it anymore.

Being a man, psychologically, I *need* sex. Just like any other man, I need it to feel loved and cared for and it's just not happening. When we talk about it, she says that she has "really bad anxiety issues" but doesn't know what causes them. She says that sex doesn't cross her mind more than once every couple days and she really just doesn't feel the need to do the deed. I want to say that she's masturbated twice in her life and says that she cant get herself off (because it's "weird" and she didn't enjoy it).


I know deep down that every girl wants a man that can seduce her and make her feel like the sexiest, most desirable thing in this world. I'm just rather stumped with "Why is she different?". I love this woman with all of my heart and so much more. I'd take a bullet for her in an instant. Our relationship is **incredible** in every way... until you start thinking about our sex life.

I work 50-60hrs a week and then spend another 10 or so every weekend working on my own business. I think she usually hits right around 40 unless it's a bad week for business. I'm a firefighter/paramedic, so my schedule is always a bit goofy since I don't necessarily work your standard 9-5 shabang. So even though we see each other daily (we try to, at least), I still work A LOT. This usually leads to "stress".

A man's way of relieving stress is... SEX.

So no matter how much I've worked this week, how much I've got to do by Monday, how much stuff I have to build, configure and ship by Tuesday, how many clients I need to meet tomorrow, whatever.... nearly the entire day, as most men do, I spend it thinking about knockin' boots.

She's not like me at all. Good day, bad day, tired, bubbly, sick or well... she still doesn't want me. She tells me every time we talk about it that she feels horrible for not "pleasing me" and wishes she knew what to do, but we've never found any sort of magical "cure" for it. I think that talking it out is our only option but I'm only one man, I can only say and do so much.

Look, I want to paint a picture for you ladies (and any guys that may be reading) to give you a better understanding of what usually happens when I try to "initiate" getting intimate with my SO. This is just how I do things (although it does vary from encounter to encounter). Maybe it's something *I'm* doing, so I wanted to throw this out there as well.

On weekdays, I usually come home around 6:30pm or 6:30am (depending on which department I was working). Now, I've given up completely to having "wake up sex" because, let's face it, she's awfully y when she first wakes up haha It's not worth getting smacked or yelled at. And to be completely honest, I've pretty much given up on "starting things" myself and have settled with letting nature run its course.

Suppose (like tonight) I got in around 6:30pm, said "hey" to her at the door. Walking past, I gave her a quick kiss and set my bunker bags down by the front door. I noticed her new haircut, her outfit and the fact that she was fresh out of the shower (her curly wet hair is huge turn on!). I slowly walked towards her, slipped one arm behind her, in the small of her back and wrapped my the other around her shoulders and gave her a *biggg* hug. After sharing a nice, "cozy" hug and a few more kisses, I grab something to drink and sit down at the island and ask her about her day. We do the whole small talk number for 10-15 minutes when suddenly... I notice that every time she turns her head towards me, I get goosebumps. Something about her hair and that summer dress has struck a cord deep inside me and I couldn't resist my primeval urges to make a move. I grabbed her and kissed her passionately... heaven. I pulled away and I just couldn't take my eyes off her. Every time she looked into my eyes, I felt like she wasn't looking "through me"... she was actually seeing *into* me.

At this point, I couldn't help myself. She had me hooked on many levels. I picked her up, both of us giggling like little girls and carried her into the bedroom and laid her gently onto the bed. I climbed on top like a seasoned cowboy, slid one arm underneath her head and used my free hand to start tracing light circles along her side. I obviously went into "flirt mode", making a few jokes and setting the "feel" for what I wanted to transpire. Something deep and meaningful, yet playful and loving.

After passionately kissing like there was no tomorrow, I slowly tugged down the side of her soffe shorts to reveal her sensitive hips and just a sliver of her cute butt. I slowly made my way down until her hip could feel my warm breath over the coolness in the room. Nibble a bit here, lick a little, suck a bit here. Slowly tracing the outline of her shorts with my tongue, I made my way to her tummy and started all over again. After a few moments of intense teasing, I decided to push onward. I concentrated my kisses and flicks in-line with her heavenly opening a bit further south. Very slowly, I traced my way down to her waistband and effortlessly slipped underneath. I pulled the front of her shorts down to reveal just the slightest hint of her clit. I slowly licked and nibbled all around it at first, before turning my attention to the "focal point". Finally, my tongue makes two slow flicks over the "button" and I hear: "Babyyyy.... Stop.". I let go, look up and ask "What's wrong?". She said "Not right now, I've had a long day and I have to get up realllly early." I reply, "Babe, it's almost 7pm... we've still got all night, it's kinda early." She replied, "I just don't feel like it."

So I kiss her cheek and lips over and over, say "I love you." and walk away. I figured it was time to start working on these computers so I can ship them out in a day or two, so I got busy. The rest of the evening went off without a hitch (or a bang ha). We were laying in bed and for some reason she wanted to throw her leg over mine, and slowly move the inside of her thigh across my junk every few seconds. I politely told her "stop" and gently pushed her leg down, away from my boys. She rolled over huffing, "Sorry! God.". She said that she hates that she can never please me, and she wishes there was something out there that would make her want me sexually. I cuddled up behind her for a few, she passed out and now I'm on here.

Welcome to my world, Ladies!

I honestly could not tell you the last time *I* initiated, in any way shape or form, that actually led to a sexual encounter. Usually I'll know when things are gonna get freaky. She'll make a couple comments throughout the day about how sexy I look in my uniform, or how nice my butt looks, and sometimes she'll pull me close, feel my chest/shoulders and say something like "Hey, Sexy!"

If any of those things happen, at some point in the next 24 hours, I might get lucky. This happens at the MOST, twice a month. It's been steady at once every 4-5 weeks for four years straight... so when this happens, I know something is coming.

Now sadly... I don't want her pity sex (which I feel like I'm getting). I want a real, passionate exchange of love for once, a real earth shattering bonding experience.... and that's just not happening. I'm at the end of my rope here and don't know what I should do to help her! When she "initiates", usually she'll start by scratching my back, having me roll over and she'll start scratching my chest/stomach.

Once she hits my stomach or legs, mentally, I'm all-in. So she'll do the usual quick tease, wrap my little fella up and start going. Positions are limited (which sucks) because she gets muscle cramps in weird positions. On top of that, she can't take me in very deep without it hurting her, so hardcore doggy, knees-to-chest missionary and whatnot is OUT. It's slow and gentle, *all the time*. I LOVE IT. Don't get me wrong, I really do! ...But every once in a while, I wanna let the animal in me... OUT.

Look, I just don't think this is normal by any means. As far as I know, she's not the cheating type. She snuck a few kisses in on me with a "friend" of hers when we first started dating but to my knowledge, it hasn't happened since. Four years later, I'd trust her with my life.

Any ideas as to what could be causing this? She was never raped, molested or anything of that nature. She grew up in a very strict Catholic family, but is currently atheist, as am I. She's perfectly healthy otherwise and we enjoy an amazing relationship in every regard... except for sex. I'm thinking that her hormones are all out of whack but I'm really not sure. We've talked about going to therapy together but she's too embarrassed and doesn't want to.

I feel like I'm sleeping with my room-mate, ladies. That's all I can really say. And to be entirely honest, it makes me want to cry. It just doesn't make sense.

If you've got anything you can throw at me, please feel free! I can use all the advice you can give.

Huge Thanks, Gals!

I think one thing you need to remember, as you stated in your post, is that she was always like this, sexually, since you have known her!! I think it is unfair for you to be unhappy about her not changing for you, cause you knew what you were getting into. I know it must be difficult for you to live like this, hopefully she will start to feel more sexual need, it does happen sometimes. I think you are just sexually mis-matched, unfortunately!!