My man prefers to masturbate than make love to me...

**Sunshine Girl** · 10-26-2010 10:59 AM

Hi, I have been with my current partner for three years now. When we first met the sex was great, however it has dwindled now and I cannot see that it is down to me as I am always up for it. I remember him waking me at 4am and again at 6am and I never refused him. I am far more adventurous than him and I have tried to discuss this with him. He just says "sorry"

Some mornings I will wake up and he is maturbating, on occasion I have turned over and joined in etc but I find this very insulting as he has a woman who is always up for it yet he prefers to masturbate. This morning I woke early and came into the lounge, later on I went back in for a cuddle, he was still half asleep, I got bored and came back out only to discover when he awoke and came out to the loo he had been masturbating again. I have tried hard to understand this but my brain is now cooked and it has done my self confidence in big time. When we do get it on it is only ever maturbation, he does me and I do him. Not had penatrive sex for about a year now. He seems a very selfish lover, it's all about him not me.

He does not seem to like showing affection in public (which I know some people do not) I would not force him to do that. I miss that emotional connection that you have during intercourse with someone whom you love.

Has anyone any suggestions?

**WildChild** · 10-26-2010 11:35 AM

Welcome to the club. Been there.

**Sunshine Girl** · 10-26-2010 11:37 AM

Haha, should that encourage me? Never experienced anything like that before....

**arhandcock** · 10-26-2010 12:04 PM

My man is just like that as well. I can def. understand what you are going through. I talked to my man about it because it ticked me off. What he said made sense. He said, "You know how women like to pleasure themselves, because it is something that feels good to you and it is done a certain way? Well, men usually masterbate once a day when they are single or living seperate from their partners. When you get into a relationship, men usually quit masterbating because now they have a woman that demands to be involved every time the man is turned on. Therefore, men have to quit masterbating because women need it all the time." But apparently, men enjoy masterbating just as much as women. I have even suggested having my man let me watch, but men are more bashful about it (alot of men) than women. Talk to him. I let my man masterbate, but I remind him, he will not get any more pleasure from me if he doesn't give me what I need at least once a day!

As for the intimate love-making. I think it is something that just drops away after being together for a certain time... Sucks I know! I figured out the only time he will show me affection during love making, is when I take his hands and guide them down my body, or when I hold out on him for a night or two then dress up in something sexy for him.

I hope this helps. My man is not into pda, pleasing me or affection so I figured I maybe able to put things in perspective for you. Plus, the girl above responds to my threads too and she is never encouraging to me either.

**Sunshine Girl** · 10-26-2010 12:18 PM

Thanks for your response arhand, it is good to know I am not alone. I have had many lovers but never experienced this. I would far rather please him than pleasure myself as that feels a little empty. Clearly we don't agree on that (him and I) I have watched and I think he enjoys the interaction however has never said. He is a poor communicator at the best of times. I stopped giving him BJ's a long while back as I beleive oral sex works both ways. He never asks me for it and I don't oblige. I always loved oral sex but I think it's a mutual thing. I have spoken to him till I am blue in the face and all I get is a mouth full of teeth.

Lovemaking should not drop away after only 3 years should it?

**stressed** · 10-26-2010 01:23 PM

Excuse me, but "the girl above" gives excellent advice and always encourages women to not tolerate less than they deserve, especially sexually. I don't agree with advising someone to accept less than she deserves "because men are this way". No. Men are not this way. Some men are.

Anyway, you are right about stopping giving bj's and I'd even advise you to stop giving sex. He constantly turns you down, spends more time pleasuring himself than you, he doesn't care about your pleasure, I don't see why you should tolerate this for. It's not normal! He clearly has some sort of mental issue that prevents him from being intimate with you. No sex for a year is wrong! Ask him to get a blood test and if it turns out normal then send him to a counselor. You can't spend the rest of your life without sex, it will drive you crazy.

No, 3 years is too soon for sex to stop like it has in your relationship. Something serious is going on and if he's not willing to solve it himself then you have to take action. I'm sorry but men don't behave like this.

**arhandcock** · 10-26-2010 01:52 PM

Anyways, you cannot keep that puppy-dog love that you feel in the beginning forever. Just saying that maybe there is something you could do to spice up your love life. Maybe something kinky or sexy!

I try to keep things fresh. Once it gets into a routine, and it does, things need to be switched up a little. Maybe thats what is going through his mind. I wish you the best of luck, I really do!

I agree about the oral thing, my man gets it 1-2 times a day, and I have gotten oral from him 5 times in 2yrs. I finally broke down to him the other night and now he pleases me alot more because he realized how important it is to me. In my email account (yahoo) there is a notepad, I write everything that bothers or hurts me in it knowing he looks at it, he then takes action to fix those things. Maybe you should either talk to him about it, or buy a diary and leave it where you know he'll see it. This way he can fix what needs to be fixed. Sorry you weren't able to get your point across to him! It is frustrating! Can you try pleasing yourself, with the door cracked open so he can peep in on you then feel the need to join? I have done that and it worked like a charm!

**ltsang** · 10-26-2010 02:34 PM

jeee why would he do that. I would make love with the women that loves me instead of masturbating by yourself.

**rcoreyus** · 10-26-2010 04:27 PM

If he masturbates when he has the option of having sex with you instead, that sounds like a problem. Most men do not behave like this, most would much prefer sex with their SO to masturbating, but there are some. There have been a bunch of posts here from women whose men prefer masturbation (and some similar posts from men). I don't know if anyone has found a good solution to this.

I'm definitely not suggesting that you "just put up with this", just letting you know that this isn't nearly as unusual as you might think.

Does he have any explanation of why he prefers this?