Performance anxiety, please help

**waya** · 11-01-2010 11:08 PM

I'm so confused, and really hurting. My boyfriend says he has performance anxiety, shocked me at first but I'm dealing with it. But we're at the point in our relationship where we're using the L word and I need the emotional connection that comes from physical intimacy, though we're not going to have intercourse (a personal choice of mine.) Anyway, he's told me more than once that he would give me pleasure even if he doesn't reach orgasm, and that we would just keep building up his desire until it's able to drive other thoughts from his head. I'm perfectly ok with this, but we never have gotten around to the pleasing me part. Today he tells me (for the first time) that he can't give me pleasure either because all the other drama in his life intrudes and he just can't. Keep in mind that I told him many times before we started being exclusive that I have a high sex drive and it is a need for me. Is it wrong for me to want him to give me pleasure anyway? I don't understand why if he loves me he can't/won't. He says he wants to but I have a hard time believing that, though some of that may be my own insecurities. Either way, I'm really hurting. I'm a sensitive person and have wanted to cry all day.

Are there any guys here with a similar problem that could shed some light on this for me? Is it possible that he really can't pleasure me or does he just not want to bother unless he can get his?

Oh, and he doesn't have a job, hasn't for a few months and I can understand how that would undermine his confidence.

**stressed** · 11-01-2010 11:13 PM

It's hard to tell why unless he tells you so. It can be anxiety, or other physical/psychological issues.
Unfortunately, this seems to be very common (I'm also going through something similar for the last couple of years).

My advice is, don't settle for anything less while it's still early. Otherwise he might find it convenient to take his time and eventually feel he doesn't need to change much but you'll have to be the one accepting him the way he is. This behaviour is extremely difficult to change, so please keep that in mind before you become too attached to him. Give him the time he needs but don't give more than what he gives you. Do discuss this with him and listen about this drama that goes on in his life, but don't sacrifice your sex life for his sake, it's not worth it.

**WildChild** · 11-01-2010 11:22 PM

Not understanding this at all.

You aren't having intercourse. (frankly that's outside my comprehension, but whatever works for you)
Why would you do this if you have a high sex drive?
How are you defining a high drive?
He has performance anxiety about what?
How is he offering to pleasure you "even if he doesn't reach orgasm" if you aren't having intercourse?
What is it he's doing or nor doing?
What does, "building up his desire until it's able to drive other thoughts from his head " or "all the other drama in his life", have to do with him pleasuring you?
Are his fingers going limp? Or his tongue won't work?

Are you doing anything to pleasure him?

Maybe I'm missing something here but I don't understand what it is the two of you are trying to do that doesn't involve intercourse but can't happen unless his desire is built up and the thoughts in his head and drama in his life are resolved.

**Hopeless Dork** · 11-01-2010 11:40 PM

Unless you guys are virgins, the whole sexual aspect of your relationship seems a bit dysfuntional. Have either of you had sex in the past?

**waya** · 11-01-2010 11:43 PM

WildChild

Honestly, the no intercourse is for religious reasons but I kinda wanted to avoid adding that because it often gets a bad reaction online *shrug*

My high sex drive: I'm kinda like a guy. Easily turned on, think about it every day, sometimes have a hard time concentrating on other things. Could easily have sex every day with the right person.

He has rarely reached orgasm with a woman because his mind interferes.

He's offered manual stimulation.

What we've done: We've been very sensual together but usually don't go inside each others' pants.

I imagine it's similar to how a lot of women feel. When life is crappy in one way or another it's hard to get into sex mentally. He stopped masturbating so he would get more worked up when he was with me and possibly bypass his intrusive thoughts.

I have offered to try and please him and he says he wants that but I let him initiate so he doesn't feel pressured. His body language is very expressive and I can tell when things are getting to be a bit much.

**Hopeless Dork** · 11-01-2010 11:45 PM

I don't understand, you say no intercourse for religious reasons but then go on to say you'd easily have sex every day with the right person? Which is it? Not being critical just trying to offer advice that relates to your situation and having trouble understanding what your situation is.

**waya** · 11-01-2010 11:46 PM

Re: Hopeless Dork

Yes, we both have and yes it is dysfunctional

**waya** · 11-01-2010 11:46 PM

The right person would be my husband

**stressed** · 11-01-2010 11:51 PM

So you've been married before.

**Hopeless Dork** · 11-01-2010 11:57 PM

Did he have performance anxiety in his last relationship? Do you think it could be based in guilt? If you guys are abstaining intercourse for religious reasons, maybe he may feel like doing all the other stuff is not morally right either? Guilt can effect sex drive. That could possibly explain why he won't attempt to satisfy you, it wouldn't matter about his being about to orgasm or not in order to please you, but he still makes excuses not to.. so could it be that you guys are just not on the same page with what you think is sexually acceptable in your relationship?