New here - help getting hubby on the same page as me

**Cindyluwho** · 11-03-2010 04:09 PM

A little background - I have been with my hubby off and on since I was 16yo. We have been married for 14 years now and have 2 kids whom we adore. For the last 7-8 years my sex drive has been zilch, zero, nada... I would have sex for "maintenance" only and only every once in a while really enjoying it...

About a month or so ago my sexdrive SKYROCKETED - like insanely high - similar to when I was 18yo and we could not even wait to reach somewhere to have sex - we would just stop wherever and go to it...

Of course hubby at first thought "cool!" and he was joking last weekend asking if I was abducted by aliens or something, but he is clearly not on my level of libido now... for example the other day I sent him an email saying "topic of the night will be G spot - do your homework there will be a test later" but then the evening comes - kids in bed and he says "I will let you ride me but I am not up for an adventure tonight" Last night "I am tired" so there was nothing.

A few weeks ago - I sent him a link to an adult website that sells lingerie and asked him to pick out something for me to order..... no response.... 8 hours later he finally says "something black - 2 piece I don't care" the package came in and he has not mentioned it at all...

I bought blindfold and wrist ties - told him and all he said was "oh really?" ...that was something that i LOVED back in the day the heightened senses when you have senses taken away is just so thrilling to me. I told him I rented an adult film that is a digital rental - meaning it streams to the laptop. I tried to figure out how to hook it up to the TV - I looked it up for an hour - he looks for 5 minutes and says "Oh well I don't know how" and thats it....

My ego is pretty hurt right now and the last thing I want him to do is be on the defense if I bring it up... what can I do to get him on the same wavelength as me? I am afraid if I just show up in the lingerie he will just shrug and say "not t onight I am tired" and I do not think I could handle that kind of rejection...

**WildChild** · 11-03-2010 04:34 PM

You back burnered him for how long? Its very likely he has trained himself out of thinking about sex. You are both young still, you might start with a check up for both of you just to be sure there aren't any physical issues. Sit down and have a talk. He may be resisting because he doesn't know long this will last and doesn't want to get worked up to be let down again later.

**LanaBear** · 11-03-2010 04:38 PM

I agree with WC... You are probably feeling what he felt when you did this to him. Now he doesn't know how to act, thinking is this temporary, what do I do, etc. Doesn't want to get his hopes up and start really thinking about sex again because he has gone through years and years of being denied.

All you can do is talk to him. Reassure him, tell him what you are feeling. See if he understands and prove to him that you have changed, over and over again.

jr · 11-03-2010 05:47 PM

Sounds to me like you lack open communication. Start with an open face to face conversation.

**rcoreyus** · 11-03-2010 09:58 PM

I agree with the above. He has probably trained himself to not be sexually excited by you - it was too painful for all those years to be turned down. Give it time - but be consistent. It wouldn't be fair to finally get him used to the idea of frequent sex, and then need to turn it off again.

**Cindyluwho** · 11-04-2010 04:39 AM

Thanks for your comments. I will certainly be opening the lines of communication further. He definately seems to think this is fleeting and is confused by the change and truthfully I have no idea if this will last either but I sure hope so and I plan on mentally keeping myself in this state as it is much healthier for me.

I have been to the Dr and all is fine with me. I am thinking this surge has more to do with age (I am 37yo) and the fact that the kids are getting old enough where they do not need me 24/7 (they are now 6 and 8) and he is finally helping out with them so much more now due to his new much more flexible job (working from home 3+ days a week). For the last couple years I have been working 40-50 hours, running to meet the bus - bringing them to activities, cooking supper, homework etc.... its tiring and stressful

I guess I will just keep talking to him and trying to show him how I feel and in the meantime I will keep reading here as there is great advice on relationships as well as sex that I hope to take advantage of.

**LilahX** · 11-04-2010 07:03 AM

As already said, keep up communication. Tell him you understand his bewilderment at your sudden change of attitude and his fear that it will just be fleeting and he'll be back to nothing again. Tell him you want to work with him to ensure things stay good. In the meantime don't overwhelm him, there's plenty of time for all the fancy stuff. Just get him used to you being there, willing and available. Make it about what he wants as well as what you want. Don't pressure him at the moment, he's got to rebuild his confidence that things have changed.

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