Can't have sex

**MsGoldie** · 11-05-2010 10:31 PM

Hi there girls, I am super new to this forum but after having a wee look around I am hoping you can give me some advice.

I have been with my partner for a long time, I'm completely comfortable with him and we've had a healthy sex life in the past. For the past few years though I have found sex difficult (I don't get loose enough and it's therefore painful). The only time we usually can have intercourse is if we've had a bit to drink! I feel really guilty about this and I want to change it but I'm unsure how exactly. I know it's all in my head so changing it is hard and I'm always thinking that if we do "this and that" then he'll think/want sex and I can't so we end up doing nothing.

What I'm wanting to know is, is there anyone else that has had a similar situation and how did you "start" to mend it? What suggestions do you have?

**WildChild** · 11-05-2010 10:46 PM

How old are you?
Are you taking any meds?
Do you feel desire for him?
Do you get aroused?

**MsGoldie** · 11-06-2010 04:10 AM

How old are you? 25
Are you taking any meds? No
Do you feel desire for him? Yes
Do you get aroused? Yes I can easily get aroused and climax quickly (without sex).

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-06-2010 04:36 AM

I know it's all in my head so changing it is hard and I'm always thinking that if we do "this and that" then he'll think/want sex and I can't so we end up doing nothing.

When we first meet, it's chemistry and we open up to the idea of excitement, then intimacy, love...

If you feel that, that love has gone and you feel like it's just "sex' you will close up, not want it... yet, you desire the person, but what you desire is lust, what you had, and intimacy, love, not sex.

Is it possible you feel like he just wants sex? An you've turned yourself off?

CW

**MsGoldie** · 11-06-2010 05:42 AM

No, I don't think he is just wanting sex (we're bestfriends, we're engaged and love one another so much... this unfortunely is our only "problem").

I certainly want to have sex, and I enjoy everything else that happens before it's just that I can't seem to get to that! It's very frustrating but thankfully my fiance' is an angel. It's certainly all in my head and it's just trying to move past that.. but how exactly?

**WildChild** · 11-06-2010 09:20 AM

Can you relate any event to your going from having a healthy sex life in the past to being unable to relax and enjoy it now? Was there some point that you were made to feel wrong or bad about your sexuality?

**Hopeless Dork** · 11-06-2010 01:14 PM

If you can perform when drunk , its probably not a physical issue (but still wouldn't hurt to go to a gyno and make sure there is no medical reason sex is uncomfortable for you)... but it sounds more like anxiety. Do you fear pregnancy? Do you feel unnappreciated? Do you have any body image/self esteem issues? Have you guys tried using lubricants? Does he perform foreplay activity on you prior to sex? Perhaps making you come before intercourse and adding in lube could help ?

**MsGoldie** · 11-06-2010 11:14 PM

Thanks all.

It certainly is anxiety - anxiety over the fact I probably won't be able to. It started a few years ago when I found sex painful and it then become increasingly harder. I talked to my doctor about that and there was nothing unusual found. So I guess you could say that yes - there was something that has triggered it and now it's a matter of getting out of that mindset. I'm very aware of why - it's just a matter of what to actually do about it I need help with. Ideas?

**Allie602** · 11-07-2010 12:23 AM

There is a condition that is treatable - vaginal spasms which causes pain during intercourse. You can read up on it to see if it sounds like what you have and then seek medical care Some GYN's are not aware of the problem and the treatment so you have to find the right one. This is a link for info Vaginal spasms undiscussed problem - Israel Singles, Ynetnews Good luck.

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